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"whatever decision I make with my co-members" - extracurricular activities or work


Rechy 11 / 73  
Aug 7, 2011   #1
I have been so lucky during my high school experience to help my father everyday after school. My dad has taught me many things such as: Thirst to always strive to be the best. I enjoy going home each day knowing there is someone there relying on me.

Helping my dad creates a platform whereby I practice and learning new leadership skills and following my instinct. These experiences motivate me to thrive for the best and be persistent in whatever I choose to do in the future. I was able to perform excellently and excel in my school activities, some of which are science club, the Debate team and the student government, due to the knowledge being instilled in me by my father. In these activities, I practiced teamwork and leadership and I've always had full confidence in my decisions; however, I am still open to my team's other ideas.

Could you please check my other essays. I need help with reduction of the word count.
joannavf 1 / 2  
Aug 7, 2011   #2
Comments:

You had it all in your essay, it's just that you had to make it make sense. You can ignore all my corrections, but I think you should correct my corrections and maybe you will have an acceptable essay.

Also you have to tie in you work with your dad with your work in school activities.

That's so nice that your dad and you are close.
nightlingera - / 1  
Aug 8, 2011   #3
I think that it might be wise to include what you do to help your father. Maybe relate it to how the specific work relates to how you slove problems in other subjects. I feel it sounds vague without the information. Maybe its just me though.
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Aug 8, 2011   #4
Thanks Nightlingera, i thought as much.
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Aug 30, 2011   #5
I just need an ultimate review on this essay.
Dark blue - / 5  
Sep 2, 2011   #6
Take internet reviews with a grain of salt. Admissions2012 is a horrible editor.

I have been so lucky during my high school experience to be involved in my family responsibilities. This has since created a platform where I not only try to bring out the best of my leadership skills, but also [develop] new leadership skills.

I enjoy going home each day knowing there is someone there who expects me to portray my leadership abilities in duties such as : [<wording is really awkward.] organizing my father's financial arrangements i.e banking and spending, (If you're going to use this, find a way to fit it in smoothly) cooking the meals and making sure my younger siblings are outstanding in their academic endeavors.

Tutoring my siblings not only helped save the cost of hiring a tutor but also helped me have a wider horizon on my academic subjects widen my academic horizons.

These experiences [have] motivate[d] me to thrive for the best and be persistent in whatever I do, be it in the science club, the d ebate team or the student government, due to the knowledge being instilled in me by my father (awkward). In these activities, I practiced teamwork and leadership, and I've always had full confidence in my decisions, however I am still open to my team's other ideas. (awkward)

You don't have to make the exact changes that I suggested. It's your essay, so make the revisions that sound the best to you.
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Sep 3, 2011   #7
Thanks Anthony. Please help me review my Yale supplement essay and the others.
darkeyedduke 2 / 5  
Sep 19, 2011   #8
I am sorry, my grammar is not good enough to help others to edit their essay.
But I am very glad to help you to put this essay up and let more people to have chance to read it.
Good luck!
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Sep 20, 2011   #9
Please leave critiques. Thanks Hu for the helping.
zulaa - / 4  
Sep 26, 2011   #10
I think you took enough revise for your essay.Sorry but I can not help you because I am not good enough .
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Sep 27, 2011   #11
Thanks.
kate47 - / 5  
Sep 27, 2011   #12
I think it's a riot that I was the only one who gave you honest feedback about one of your essays--but you called it sabotage. My critiques are obviously far from sabotage. Sabotage would be what the rest of the people on here are doing--letting you submit such a trite work.

Your little essay here doesn't even say what this extracurricular activity is. Is your dad a pimp? Maybe. Do you help him run his prostitution ring? I mean seriously--why isn't your essay more concrete? The first essay you posted makes NO sense.

Alternatively, I could ask why "being on top" is what you really want. So: you're implying that extracurriculars are worthless to you unless you can be the president? And just what does "being on top" have to do with knowing that you're making the right decisions? HA! Yet again, complete fluff is thrown in to make your essay look really substantial. ANY adcom, especially Yale, will see right through this little maneuver.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Sep 28, 2011   #13
Isn't it more than a little cowardly of you Kate47 to be saying anything without your own essay up somewhere !!
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Sep 28, 2011   #14
@Kate47---Your comment above is one of the cheapest I ever saw on EF. Rebecca Bakare might not be having an extra-ordinary English like yours, but she surely seems to be a better human than you. Stop insulting other people when you yourself have not posted a single thread.I hope you learn some manners.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 28, 2011   #15
I think it's a riot that I was the only one who gave you honest feedback about one of your essays--but you called it sabotage.

No Kate, it is sabotage. You obviously have strong command of English, and you use that strength the way the big kid uses his strength as a playground bully. You indulge in a masturbatory, indulgent act that you rationalize by pretending to think you are helping. But you know the essayist is not just going to read your comment and edit know how to write brilliantly. It's easy to criticize; it's hard to do it with some finesse.

People are bearing their naked souls here for all to criticize. I see that you have not posted any essays, though! If you post an essay, somebody might sabotage your confidence!


This has since created a platform----In formal writing or any writing that you want to be super impressive, a good rule to use is: Always make sure a noun comes after the word "this."

This circumstance has since...

These experiences have motivated me to thrive strive for the best and...
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Sep 30, 2011   #16
Thanks. I will make the corrections.
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Sep 30, 2011   #17
Thanks Kevin, Ajiit and Rajiv.
@Kate47- Your reviews would have been meaningful if you hadn't portrayed yourself as an egotist.
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Oct 5, 2011   #18
Please! leave reviews.
jagmeet122 1 / 2  
Oct 5, 2011   #19
hey bro, could you help me with my essay? im also an indian n going to college in D.C. please help me!!!
Dii 6 / 24  
Oct 6, 2011   #20
"My helping my dad " you could scrap the first My. "
"where I'm being exposed early to the real world; the real world where I have the freedom to act on my polished instincts and leadership skills. I was exposed early to the real word where" I think the word where is too repetitive

where I was exposed to the real world .In this world I had the freedom to act on my polished instincts and leadership skills.
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Nov 1, 2011   #21
I'm about closing this thread. Anymore feedbacks will be highly appreciated.


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