Hi Everyone. I was wondering if anyone could help critique my diversity essay. I appreciate any comments.
Prompt: Whitman College is committed to building and sustaining a diverse campus community. We believe a diversity of backgrounds and perspective enriches our community and enhances intellectual and personal growth. What is your concept of diversity, and what experiences ave you had that inform your thoughts? (350 word limit)
Response:
Having lived on Hawaii for seventeen years, it seems diversity stems from every corner. Growing up, I was raised in a traditional Chinese household. However, as much as the Chinese environment has shaped my personal life, a Western education, Hawaiian values, and the people I encountered have also influenced my growth. For me, the concept of diversity is similar to a DNA strand. ALl individuals, through their race behavior, socioeconomic background, and gender represent a DNA strand, each different from the next. OVer time, my experience with diversity has been quantified through the people I've met inside and outside of Hawaii.
During my elementary and middle school weekends, my time was spent inside my parents' restaurant doing homework. Usually, I worked independently because my parents could barely understand English. However, they continued to show incredible interest in my studies and pushed me to comprehend the material. Often, they asked that I read aloud to them and they assigned additional homework to evaluate my level of knowledge. It was my family and school teachers that influenced my work ethic and taught me the values of diligence and commitment.
Hawaiian values have also shaped my character. During junior year, I attended a youth program called Leadership Kauai. During one session, the hawaiian guest speaker, Puna Dawson, described her life in hawaii, highlighting the Hawaiian values of responsibility and community awareness. By attending Leadership Kauai, Dawson said we, the participants were all hawaiian because we had the desire to help the Hawaiian community progress. It was at Leadership Kauai where I obtained newfound desire to protect the environment from outside threats.
Outside of Hawaii, I attended summer medical programs and befriended an array of different students. I learned that each student had one unifying goal: to have a career in healthcare. At these programs, I gained knowledge from the guest speakers and the students.
After seventeen years of living, my accumulated knowledge creates my diversity. I've realized that each individual, although different in their experiences, all share common motives. Like a DNA strand, when combined with other strands, a living organism is created.
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NOTE: IM THINKING OF DELETING THE LAST SENTENCE BECAUSE THE WAY I PHRASE THE SENTENCE DOES NOT CONVEY WHAT I WANT TO SAY.
suggestions are widely accepted and appreciated. thanks!
Your essay sounds good:
By attending Leadership Kauai, Dawson said, "We, the participants, we're all hawaiian because we had the desire to help the Hawaiian community progress." It was at Leadership Kauai where I obtained newfound desire to protect the environment from outside threats.
You can combine both your program experiences in 1 paragraph by stating, "Another program I have attended was outside Hawaii,...
As far as the last sentence, it doesn't make sense.
Hope this helps!
Mind helping me out with my essay?
haha. thanks a lot. I realized the last sentence didn't make sense and I've deleted it.
I've realized that each individual, although different in their experiences, all share common motives. Like a DNA strand, when combined with other strands, a living organism is created.
ok you can do this ;
I've realized that each individual, although different in their experiences, share common motives- like a DNA strand where each strand is different and yet, complementary to the other- hence, creating a coherent whole.
i hope i made sense.
goodluck
hello! BLEEP BLEEP ALARM!
i really hope you have not sent this out yet--or you are about to come off as a VERY STUPID PERSON. (and i mean this in all kindness) i am not sure what you maybe meant with the whole DNA strand analogy thing, but the way you used it doesn't make sense, doesn't add to your essay and is BIOLOGICALLY INCORRECT.
an organism is NOT comprised of many different DNA strands. an organism is made up of many many cells inside of which holds a single strand of DNA that is specific to the organism. each cell in the organism holds the EXACT SAME COPY of that DNA strand. all individuals have unique DNA, but the DNA is the SAME throughout the cells. YOU SEE? the analogy you tried to employ is the OPPOSITE of what you want to get across!!!
i hope you have time to change this, and good luck with your application!
