hello, guys! This is my first draft. I REALLY don not know if i express myself clearly. Could you understand what i am saying? Thanks soooooo much!
Whitman College is committed to building and sustaining a diverse campus community. We believe a diversity of backgrounds and perspectives enriches our community and enhances intellectual and personal growth. What is your concept of diversity, and what experiences have you had that inform your thoughts?
NOTE: Your response should not exceed 350 words.
To explain my concept and understanding of diversity, I want to cite one of the greatest thinkers in ancient China, Confucius's words at first, "an ideal society seeks harmony without uniformity." My reorganization of this thought was informed from studying of Chinese history.
During 770B.C to 221B.C, which is also called China's Spring and Autumn period and Warring states period, ancient China society was changing from slavery to the feudalism. Because the great economical progression and social transition, a lot of different schools of thought flourished, such as Confucianism, Legalism, Taoism and Mohism. Every school discussed their opinions freely; they advocated and developed their thoughts, opened debates between each other and explored the methods of administrating and developing the country and society. The thoughts and ideas discussed and refined during this period have profoundly influenced lifestyles and social consciousness up to the present day in East Asian countries. Unfortunately, in the later thousand years after Qin Dynasty unified the whole country, because the need of mental control of feudalistic autocratic politics, people were not allowed to air their different opinions. The phenomenon of Contention of a Hundred Schools of Thought never appeared again and thoughts sphere was always in blank silence. Although there were several strong empires and heydays, the Spring and Autumn Period and Warring States Period became the only era of great cultural and intellectual expansion in China. In my mind, it is the respect to diversity made the Spring and Autumn Period and Warring States Period the goldern age of China's philosophy and culture. The comparison in the history convinces me that diversity lead to the culture prosperity and social improvement. In an inclusive and elective community, people can hear different opinions and improve themselves through learning from each other. That's why I want to study in America and apply to Whitman. Having Lived in China and emerged in Chinese traditional culture for nearly eighteen years, I'm eager to bring my strength and knowledge to Whitman and make my own contribution to a diverse campus community.
There must be a lot of awkward praphing and strange sentences, i just don't how to express it properly. your suggestions are crucial for me!
Thanks again!!
Hey there, I know it's tough trying to write essays in a language that's not your own, but you did well.
"My reorganization of this thought was informed from studying of Chinese history."
First off, this sentence is much too wordy. As a Chinese speaker I can understand grammatically what you're trying to say but it's hard to grammatically piece this together in English. Try to use simpler words, the readers don't want the person with the biggest vocabulary, they want an essay.
"I know this through my studies of Chinese history."
This makes more grammatical sense.
"During 770B.C to 221B.C, which is also called China's Spring and Autumn period and Warring states period, ancient China society was changing from slavery to the feudalism."
"In an inclusive and elective community, where people can hear different opinions and improve themselves through learning from each other."
Hope I helped! A lot of your issues can be fixed with some more attention to grammar. Good luck!
