So this is my essay for uc apps prompt 2. its not really done but i think its close to it. looking for some feedback, everything helps.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am sitting in the dirt, looking at the fire I made with pride. This time, it only took an hour to make. I relax knowing that I will be warm for the night and eat the remains of my trail mix. As I lie there in the middle of the Sespe Wilderness I feel completely calm, in the present moment, not worrying about school, life, or relationships. The only thing there is nature.
Freshmen year of high school my friends and I decided to go on a life changing experience called "Wilderness Experience". This was part of a school wide program which every student takes part in but does a different activity. Wilderness experience was an immersive trip where I was thrown into the wilderness for a week with only the food I can carry and a group of about twelve other students. We camped in the Sespe Wilderness in Southern California, a remote area inhabited by bears and the endangered Californian Condor. When I agreed to join this trip, I had no idea what I was about to experience.
On the first day, we hiked. After 12 hours of walked with over 60lbs of cargo, everyone in the group was tired. I pushed on and soon made it to the spot were I would be spending the rest of the week, near a river. Here there was no cell phone coverage, no television, no computer, and it was cold.
As the days passed I began to lose myself in the moment. I would forget what day it was, and simple not care what day it was. I felt calm and carefree. I fished using a man-made hook and line, learned what plants were edible, and shared close bonds with others in the group. Then, the day came to leave the camp site and instructors for a night and live by myself. My task was simple; create a fire using a bow drill I made earlier that week and not get eaten by a bear. That night changed my life.
I found a nice spot near the river, surrounded by large boulders to keep out the wind. I worked for hours preparing my area for the long night ahead, got wood for the fire and even found some edibles to keep me going. As night fell I could no longer hear others in the distance. All I could see and hear was the small fire which I surprisingly made. I sat there almost all night, enjoying the moment away from worries, away from the stress of the complicated world.
This moment of peace and enlightenment has greatly shaped who I am today. Before this experience I thought little of nature and focused on irrelevant issues to my life which took me away from the eternal now. This lead to me spending my days throwing the frisbee around with my friends outside and eventually into founding of a club at my school and an competitive team. This also encouraged me to further explore the world of biology, which is now my passion in school.
As I lie there in the middle of the Sespe Wilderness, I feel completely calm in the present moment, not worrying about school, life, or relationships.
The only thing there is nature.
~
Do you mean, the only thing there is is nature?
If so, try rewording that sentence.
Freshmen year of high school, my friends and I decided to go on a life changing experience called "Wilderness Experience".
Wilderness E xperience was an immersive trip where I was thrown into the wilderness for a week with only the food I can carry and a group of about twelve other students.
After 12 hours of walking with over 60lbs of cargo, everyone in the group was tired.
...learned which plants were edible...
As night fell, I could no longer hear others in the distance.
Overall, your essay was excellent. Answers the prompt perfectly. Good luck.
My task was simple: (i think a colon works better here) create a fire using a bow drill I made earlier that week and not get eaten by a bear.
it would be better if you hinted your love for biology earlier in the paragraph. I thought it was a little too sudden. But other than that, your essay is really good :D very descriptive!
GOOD LUCK :)
