May one of you please correct my rough draft (or advise me in what to do)? Thank you for your help.
Prompt:
Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful?
Also I am not quite sure if it really works with the prompt.
I glanced over my porch's overstep and saw a discarded copy of the Los Angeles Times, I would normally never bind myself to read such trivial trash, but its title sparked my interest. The headline smacked in size thirty-two font exclaimed "Measuring Your Future Success"; I beat myself up and grabbed the crumpled manuscript hoping to reinforce my ego. I continued to read the paper and was plunged into despair, since I was labeled a failure. It took into account my parent's education, their income, and my ethnicity, in a sense their prediction was understandable, but the pain it struck was not. As I moved through each word, I revamped myself as I continually failed to fit their predictions, ranging from my academic success to my future aspirations. I had accomplished a mistake, obtaining the title of an outlier, marking my individuality and persistence.
In a sense, the world was my antagonist as it engulfed me with a promise of failure. Fortunately, with every incorrect categorization, I pelted my colossal foe. As I disproved the last prediction I left my coup de grace. Such a formidable opponent fell to a small boy; I was David slaying Goliath! Though the feat was not lavished with golden accolades or pricey trophies, I obtained a rare title. I acclaimed the act with such high honor, since the participants were few and those who broke the predictions were even smaller.
Throughout the discourse of achieving the title, I was proud of being marked an individual through the process. Also achieving success against heavy odds lent me a sense of the world. Unlike many of my peers, I was not provided a Virgil to guide me through hell. I had to strive through every endeavor without the assistance of an instruction manual providing a set course for success. An unfortunate circumstance that I accepted with open arms, since it provided me with a sense of realism. Although I carried these unfortunate burdens, I obtained the success promised to opulent individuals, what a highlight to my accomplishment!
Once I acknowledged my feat, I noted that being persistent helped me throughout the discourse of my life. During primary school I scuffled through stacks of homework with my yellow instrument, and alienated myself from frivolous matters. Intermediate school was no different as I confined myself in the closest library. Once in High School I immediately dropped my valuable trait and catapulted to a state of failure. My first semester struck me with no surprise and released me into distress. Quickly, I directed myself towards my wooden bureau to refine myself as I once was. Although at times it serves as a burden, being persistent has become a viable trait.
Now as I continue through life, I iterate Calvin's words of predestination in sarcasm and humbly laugh to myself. Also the title was more than just an outline of a few qualities, it detailed the jurisdiction I have against most challenges. Not only that, but I also proved to myself that I may turn myself positive, contrary to my adversaries.
I was trying to explain how I don't step down from anything even when presented with heavy odds. I know it is a bit trite, but I think this really describes me as a person in general.
I glanced over my porch's overstep and saw a discarded copy of the Los Angeles Times,. I would normally never bind myself to read such trivial trash, but its title sparked my interest. The headline smacked in size thirty-two font exclaimed "Measuring Your Future Success"; I beat myself up andBeating yourself up? This sounds odd. grabbed the crumpled manuscript hoping to reinforce my ego. I continued to read the paper and was plunged into despairAs I continued reading the paper, I plunged further into despair because I thought I was labeled a failure. I'm not sure if that sentence works well. You may want to take it out or re-word. It took into account my parent's education, their income, and my ethnicity, in a sense their prediction was understandable, but the pain it struck was notThis sounds odd. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey here . As I moved through each word, I revamped myself as I continually failed to fit their predictions, ranging from my academic success to my future aspirations. I had accomplished a mistake, obtaining the title of an outlier, marking my individuality and persistence.A lot of what you're writing makes little sense. I under the gist-- you read an article entitled "Measuring Your Future Success", and that, according to said article, you were a 'failure'. However, what is lacking is sense! You start off quite well, but by the end of your paragraph you're babbling.
In a sense, the world was my antagonist as it engulfed me with athe promise of failure. Fortunately, with every incorrect categorization, I pelted my colossal foe. Your language is quite awkward. If you're not used to writing/speaking this way, try a more simplistic style. As I disproved the last prediction I left my coup de grace. Such a formidable opponent fell to a small boy; I was David slaying Goliath!I like this! Though the feat was not lavished with golden accolades or pricey trophies, I obtained a rare title. I acclaimed the act with such high honor, since the participants were few and those who broke the predictions were even smaller.
Throughout the discourse of achieving the title, I was proud of being marked an individual through the process. Also achieving success against heavy odds lent me a sense of the world. Unlike many of my peers, I was not provided a Virgil to guide me through hell. I had to strive through every endeavor without the assistance of an instruction manual providing a set course for success. An unfortunate circumstance that I accepted with open arms, since it provided me with a sense of realism. Although I carried these unfortunate burdens, I obtained the success promised to opulent individuals, what a highlight to my accomplishment!
Once I acknowledged my feat, I noted that being persistent helped me throughout the discourse of my life. During primary school I scuffled through stacks of homework with my yellow instrumentwhat are you talking about-- a ruler? , and alienated myself from frivolous matters. IntermediateMiddle school was no different as I confined myself in the closest library. Once in High School I immediately dropped my valuable trait and catapulted to a state of failure. My first semester struck me with no surprise and released me into distress. Quickly, I directed myself towards my wooden bureau to refine myself as I once was. Although at times it serves as a burden, being persistent has become a viable trait.
Now as I continue through life, I iterate Calvin's words of predestination in sarcasm and humbly laugh to myself.I am unclear as to what you are referring to. Although it might seem obvious to you, remember that AOs are typically graduate students, so they may not understand the reference either. Also the title was more than just an outline of a few qualities, it detailed the jurisdiction I have against most challenges. Not only that, but I also proved to myself that I may turn myself positive, contrary to my adversaries. This entire paragraph seems unnecessary. It's very confusing as is. Because it's your closing paragraph, try to give it more meaning. For instance, draw from what the article taught you about yourself.
Overall, I think you answered the prompt well. A lot of your writing is unnecessarily wordy. You need to take out the 'filler' and leave only the good stuff. Just a general point-- when writing essays, you don't need to go over-the-top with your language. It's better to use simpler language and more even phrasing than sound awkward. You should not sound like you're writing this with a thesaurus handy! I can tell that the language you are using in your essay is not language that you use in everyday life-- this is bad. I should not be able to tell! Furthermore, you over-use complex phrasing. Remember-- KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid).
I apologize if I seem unnecessarily harsh. I am trying my very best to help you with your essay. Good luck on your application!
Read my Character essay?
