Hi, I need your help with my essay urgently! Please check my grammar and let me know honestly what you think about my essay. I know the ending paragraphy needs a little work, so please give me some suggestions. Is it interesting enough? Does it lack something? Thank you so much!! :)
PROMPT: Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? Provide us with some limited measure of your personality.
We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of The Type of Person You Are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as Show and Tell by proxy and with an attitude.
People are often surprised to find that I'm an international student. "Your English is so good!" or "You don't have an accent at all!" I grew up in Jakarta, Indonesia, where the language spoken at home was English. My parents studied abroad, and encouraged me to practice English for the breadth of communication the language brings. I didn't realize this significance until I lived abroad. Mastering the language has brought me confidence and amazing opportunities. I enjoy meeting new people and feel most comfortable public speaking in international debate competitions.
I moved to Washington State two years ago, where I still face issues with adapting. I was raised with old Chinese traditions and Indonesian cultures. Before moving here, I have never heard of General Tao's chicken. I'm continuously on the quest for super spicy Indonesian hot sauce, as no meal is complete without it. I miss the sunshine, and I blame my lack of vitamin D on Seattle's inability to stop raining. Every morning I unconsciously wear a t-shirt and sandals, then reluctantly change into a thick sweater and boots before going out the door. I love the crisp smell of pine trees. I hate that my parents are 10,000 miles away.
I have an optimistic outlook towards life except when it comes to bicycles. When I was seven, I catapulted into the air after crashing into a truck while riding my bicycle. I have been traumatic of bicycles ever since. I've always wanted to become an astronaut, so I could see the earth from space and experience defying gravity. After reading To Kill a Mockingbird, I wanted to become a lawyer like Atticus Finch. I remember the horror of seeing grey, damaged coral reefs in my visit to the Bunaken Islands. Since then, I vowed to help improve the environment. I cannot throw away trash without properly recycling them.
I'm always hungry for sushi.
Travelling is my favorite activity. Like delving into the unknown, being somewhere new always excites me. My dream is to visit France one day. For now, I'm content with collecting French-inspired posters and mini Eiffel towers, learning French, and listening to Édith Piaf. My favorite book is The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I can't choose between Ecuador and Thailand as my favorite past destination. I think the Sant Ocean Hall in the Smithsonian Museum is the happiest place on earth. While I was interning in DC last summer, my stress would disappear under the exhibit's calming sounds of the ocean.
I used to be anemic, and I think donating blood is the best gift one can give. The possible power of a voice in creating change always inspires me to be an actor of change. I can't wait to debate cases with the Mock Trial team at William & Mary. And continue my journey, wherever it takes me.
I wanted to group them in paragraphs, like how paragraph one is about English. paragraph two is about adapting to a different cultures, paragraph three kind of my random interests, paragraph four about travelling, and the last paragraph is well...kind of odd.
What would be your suggestions on the topics I could drop? Do you like the idea of the grouping of paragraphs?
Thank you for your help! :)
well instead of just listing somewhat related things, STATE the relation and how they have helped you grow/made you who you are. be sure to have some sort of conclusion for each group
well you don't want a floating sentence about sushi so drop or incorporate
and don't just list your favorite whatevers... talk about why you love them and how they have influenced you/affect you
If the reviewer sees "my favorite book is by FRENCH DUDE oh and i've been to thailand AND ecaudor" he'll think you're shallow and didn't gain much from your unusual experiences. Also maybe mention how lucky/grateful you are to be so well traveled... lots of students don't have your opportunities and you don't want to sound like you're taking them for granted. Say WHY you like the places you've been and WHY the different aspects of french culture make you want to visit.
