Thank you in advance for all comments and suggestions!
Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words. (Mine is at 340 right now...where can I cut down?)
I look back through the plate-glass windows, and excitedly wave goodbye to the six state troopers standing stoically on the other side. If you had told me three hours earlier that my visit to the Senate Offices would warrant an armed escort out of the building, I would have laughed. Who would have guessed that my first run-in with the police took place while I was fighting (civilly) for gay rights?
I had traveled to Albany with a mini-consortium of human rights groups representing Empire State Pride Agenda to lobby for marriage equality. The group had one mission that afternoon: to locate our ever-elusive Senator Dean Skelos. The illustrious congressman had been dodging e-mails and phone calls for weeks but we were undeterred. With unabashed excitement, our political science version of "Where's Waldo?" began.
With wide eyes, his staffers informed us that the Senator was on the floor for a vote followed by a full calendar of meetings in his "other" office. Thanking them, we set out for the Senate floor to await his departure from voting. After the last Senator exited we figured out that he had exited a side door. Sneaky Waldo. With heightened enthusiasm, the group set out for the Senator's second office. One escalator, two grand staircases, an aged elevator, and an impossibly long hallway brought us face to face with two State Troopers outside the Senator's office. Found Waldo!
The scene became completely ridiculous when four additional state troopers and six senate guards materialized; it became apparent we were unwelcomed visitors. The News 1 crew disagreed: they proceeded to interview each of my fellow group members, disregarding the uniformed men. It was the first time I had witnessed, or even participated in a civil protest, and here I was, viewed as a key member! Bob, one of the troopers, decided to pursue the route of sore loser, though, giving my interview an abrupt end as he escorted me out of the building. I had survived my first run-in with the "man." Tag, game over.
Hi! I really like your essay. I think that it could be cut down by eliminating these words : "Tag, game over", "Sneaky Waldo", "If you had told me three hours earlier that my visit to the Senate Offices would warrant an armed escort out of the building, I would have laughed." <-- not that necessary becuase it's described already later. Maybe you could cut this down a bit then? and finally: "representing Empire State Pride Agenda" isn't too necessary
Overall, good job! I like the diction especially. Please take a look at my essay and tell me what you think!
I like your essay, and I actually think those little interjections ("Sneaky Waldo." etc.) are valuable to bringing out your voice in the essay. However, it might be enough to say that you were escorted away by state troupers when trying to contact your senator. You have pretty limited space, and I think this essay is more concerned with how you relate yourself to that significant scene. You could describe looking out at those people who are supposed to defend your rights, who, in fact, you and everyone else fighting for equality pay to defend our rights, and describe your feelings of betrayal or determination. Great essay!
Thank you both so much for your comments!
@Lewis: I'll definitely comment on your essay once I crank another one out, haha. But I will definitely take a closer look at your suggestions.
@Ngcoel: Fantastic idea! Thank you so much!
Again, thank you both for helping me make this essay stronger. It is much appreciated! =]
