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Williams essay; looking through a window at a significant environment


sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 24, 2009   #1
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

Any suggestions to my essay? :)


The hands of the clock point to 8:30. Fifteen minutes until the bell. Mr. Smith has left to get some coffee at the teacher's lounge, leaving me by myself in the band room. I hear mixed sounds coming from a distance. Finding nothing in particular to do, I glance out the window to see students arriving at school.

Two girls in the same lacrosse uniforms, chat excitedly in front of their parked cars. A group of students sit on the picnic table next to the parking lot, leaning against one another. Next to them, are friends questioning each other for their biology test. Out of many students, my eyes turn to the one girl who is strangely shown in black and white, while the rest of the scene stays in color. She stands alone, looking somewhat lost. Her grip onto the school map, which has been reread several times on the spot, tightens as she looks at the unfamiliar people and buildings around her. Please, someone go help her...

"Jiyoooon!" The image of myself two years ago quickly disappears in my head. My friends walk into the band room, waving their hands at me. Soon, my other fellow bandmates come in and start warming up their instruments with some scales. As a familiar, warm, soothing sound begins to fill the room, I look out the window again. This time, I can only see my reflection on the window glass instead of the girl outside. I see myself smiling among a crowd whom I share my love of music with. I become thankful of this place where I could belong to, where I could rest my heart on.

NeoGeo 5 / 11  
Dec 24, 2009   #2
To start, thank you very much for being so thoughtful and meticulous when reading my essay! On your essay though, I really like the approach you took. However, while the essay is really interesting, I feel like you might be giving a lot of background without enough explicit substance. Granted, you kind of mesh the story with its impact on you, but I'm not sure how the admissions officers will feel while reading it. Other than this small, emphasis-type thing, it's a great approach, and definitely kept my attention through the whole thing, so good job!
OP sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 24, 2009   #3
No problem, I really enjoyed reading yours. Thank you for your thoughtful comments too. Do you think it's the third paragraph that needs more explicit details? And did you see any grammatical mistakes or awkward spots in the essay? :)
amyhr0311 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2009   #4
hmm i agree with NeoGeo in the sense that it is a little too implicit. the setting and the mood was good, and the approach engages the reader, but perhaps you could describe just a little how you delt with you being new and a misfit and how you arrived at your current understanding?

well i certainly hope i interpreted your essay correctly :P

would you help to take a look at my common apps? thanks!
NeoGeo 5 / 11  
Dec 24, 2009   #5
Two girls in the same lacrosse uniforms chatting excitedly in front of their parked cars.

Changed chat to chatting

Out of many students, my eyes turn to the one girl who is strangely shown in black and white, while the rest of the scene stays in color.

I understand what you're saying here, but the word choice is kind of awkward. Maybe change "is shown" to "appears" or a more fitting word. Also, try to find a better phrase than "stays in color" like "remains colorful." These are almost stylistic suggestions, so please don't feel like your essay is broken if you don't make these changes.

Her grip onto the school map, which has been reread several times on the spot, tightens as she looks at the unfamiliar people and buildings around her.

Excise the "which has been...on the spot" section. I'm not quite sure what you were trying to convey, so you could make it more clear, or tighten up the sentence's focus by removing it.

As for your third paragraph, I really only think you need one, non-flarish, non-poetic sentence summing up the main idea of the essay. Your last sentence right now is good, but if you were to modify it into something more direct/explicit, I think it will greatly improve the coherence of your work.

Like I said earlier though, this essay was entertaining to read, and had a good message to it. You could submit it right now and have an awesome essay, so don't worry a whole lot :).
OP sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 24, 2009   #6
Thank you both of you! Alex, I received a suggestion that I sholud elaborate more on how I dealt with being a new student. What do you think?
Ekooo 1 / 3  
Dec 24, 2009   #7
I think elaboration would be helpful. It would make second to third paragraph transition more smooth if there was a contrast between the past and the present.


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