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Williams Supplement Window Essay- Any suggestions? ROUGH DRAFT


GirlNextDoor 1 / 2  
Dec 15, 2012   #1
Hey guys! So I had a really hard time trying to start this essay and I kind of just randomly wrote about an experience so do you think I should continue with this choice of topic? Do you think I need to write more about how it affected me? Is it too weird?

Its a rough draft also so things will get fixed up, but overall what do you think?
Thanks!
Here is the prompt btw:
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

Overhead the gnarled tree branches interlock and interlace, a forever ending maze with no beginning or end. The soft breeze through the trees creates shadows upon the leaves, making them dance and twirl, as without any care in the world. At first the world around me seemed dead quiet. There were no cars honking. No rattling sounds of construction or the shouting of men. It seemed completely devoid of life. Yet through the deafening silence sounds begun to emerge. The whispers of the wind through those dancing trees. The scuttling of animals in the underbrush and the murmurs of the water. I get up from my warm cocoon on the hard ground, shivering as I peer out of the mesh skylight of my tent to get a better look of the sky.

We were on the rouge river, and I was only eleven, undertaking a five-day rafting trip. It was on this river where the waters roared like lions and whispered like fairies. Where the suns warmth lifted the spirit of every soul. Where kids laughed and screamed as they jumped off 30 ft cliffs, with the raucous sounds of air, and then water, rushing past their ears. It was here, in this place, where I looked past the opening in my tent to the world beyond.

I expected the sky would be dark here, without the city lights casting the chalky gray cover upon the sky. But it was just the opposite. Millions, no trillions, of starts shone brightly in the sky, creating a sight so brilliant I have never forgotten it even to this day. My fingers fumble as I unzip the opening. Once I do I stick my head through it to get a better view of the world around me, for I prefer experiences that I see with my own eyes, and not ones through the paradigm of a window.

Word Count: 315 (Eeeek)

xphyllisx 6 / 22 1  
Dec 16, 2012   #2
I like the description of your environment. In my opinion you describe it vividly that didn't make you essay seem too dry. However I noticed the question says to explain why its meaningful to YOU. I think that's something lacking from this essay because you seem to focus more on what you are witnessing from the outside. You should add a connection with what you are seeing to maybe what you are feeling and experiencing in your life.
alexb 1 / 6  
Dec 16, 2012   #3
I like the essay and vivid description. My suggestion would be to elaborate on why it is significant to you. Maybe something along the lines as getting away from the city and slowing your life down... I'm sure you have a specific reason. Tell us through your essay


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