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"She was willing to actually speak out" - someone who has had an impact on you

ilmeari 2 / 3  
Nov 23, 2010   #1
I rewrote my essay, this time about a different person. This is a rough draft and it feels a bit too abstract for me but here it is. Any feedback is appreciated!

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

While growing up, I imagined my world to be inside a bubble, one that I took great care to keep from rupturing. It was beautiful, and everything that I saw through its glossy walls was beautiful. People lived in color. I understood, to some extent, that there existed people who were hurting, but even they lived in angry reds, or anguished blues, or pained greens. For the most part, the outside world was simply a great palette whose colors washed over the surface of my bubble, then faded away with time. Meanwhile, I stayed within its walls, dry and bright and content. Until it burst.

I can't say exactly when it happened, but I began learning-discovering poverty, sickness, war, the frailty of humans. Then my bubble was gone. I was covered in soap and pale colors, and as I looked around, trying to figure out what had happened, I started seeing gray. And my world was no longer beautiful. I continued to meet people and make friends, including one girl who was in the same gym class as me in the seventh grade. We talked, laughed, played, then drifted apart. Later we encountered each other again in high school and talked, and laughed, and now I cannot even imagine being separated from her. She speaks in gray sometimes, we all do, but she has also taught me to chip away at it until I see color.

She has been through a lot, and although some of her relationships aren't stellar, I have never seen someone with such fierce loyalty and deep love. Where others would wallow in self-pity, she gets up and dusts herself off. She says what she has to say and will not hesitate to stand up for her friends. I am so grateful for being friends with her, and just being around her and talking with her has taught me so much about living life with maturity and love, even in hardship.

I was angry with the world for its poverty and hatred and ignorance. Then I met her, and she was angry too-but she did something about it. She was willing to actually speak out and try to make a difference. That made me realize that I am a part of this world too, and just sitting there and feeling bitter made me hateful and ignorant as well. She taught me to see past the gray in this world by opening my eyes to the people that are reaching out to change it, and she also made me take another look at myself and where I stand. Now I know that stepping out of my bubble had to happen, and whereas before I simply demanded the world to become better on its own, my friend put a paintbrush in my hand and challenged me to do something about it. Sometimes I stumble and make a mistake, and sometimes I choose the wrong color, but thanks to her I have begun leaving my own mark on Earth.

auds 2 / 40  
Nov 26, 2010   #2
Yay abstractness!!!! This is really good, something like out of a story really. I really admire your writing and the way your describing the world through your bubble. It's awesome!! I think what your missing is examples on how she changed you, I know that she made you see the world in a different view and taught you that you can make a difference, but what did you do to live up to that? If you answered that then your essay would be through the roof lol. Good job.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 5, 2010   #3
This is beautiful stuff. In music, we do this sort of thing, too... leave a track just the way it is, because it has that raw realness. We don't want to alter it.

But if you are going to package this inspired writing nicely for the AO reader, just add some nuts to the snickers bar. Add 2 or 3 specific goals for the next year that you can relate back to her influence.

Another way to add nuts to the snickers bar is to cite a research study or journal article. It's easy to do, and it does not take up much room in the essay.

It's kind of like putting armor on your precious offspring.

jfk 2 / 7  
Dec 5, 2010   #4
This essay is great! The first paragraph is beautiful, but also extremely powerful in its use of language.

The only part that I got tripped up at was "She speaks in gray sometimes"
What do you mean by this? An example would really help in this situation IMO.
niricabiri - / 7  
Dec 5, 2010   #5
This is really good, but maybe show us an example. Instead of just telling us about how great she was, show us how she managed to rise above the gray with an anecdote or example

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