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'the willpower to succeed in all my endeavors'- Personal Statement


cstephanie41 3 / 11  
Nov 25, 2011   #1
This is the personal statement that i've been working on. The prompt is "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?" Thank you.

Looking back, it's funny how much people can change in just the span of a year, including myself. During my junior year, our basketball team had a new varsity coach to start off the season. Under a new program, no one knew how the season would go, and we weren't excited about it. Luckily our coach, Elizabeth Reza, knew what she was doing, and proved to be an excellent coach.

So the regular season started at Central Valley High School. Unfortunately, in that game, our point guard Shantel was injured, and barely finished out the game. The next day at practice we learned that she wouldn't be able to play for three weeks. For some reason, the lucky person that she picked to be the replacement was me. I was terrified at such an idea. I just wasn't good enough at dribbling and my ball handling skills were mediocre. Images flashed through my mind of the million ways I could embarrass myself at the game the next day. Game time arrived, warm-ups were a blur, and I just couldn't wait to start the game. The jump ball went up as the clock began to tick and the game was under way. Livingston didn't come out as aggressive as I had anticipated and I was soon at ease bringing the ball up the court. The game was still close though and every basket counted. It came down to the wire as Livingston got the ball one last time and threw up a wild shot, but to no avail. The buzzard echoed through the gym and we came out triumphant with a score of 37-36.

The year went on and we fared pretty well in league. I ended up keeping the starting spot of point guard even when Shantel returned from her injury. It's amazing to look back at how scared and nervous I was to play the position last year, compared to how I play this year. Through many practices and games during the offseason I have made incredible strides in my skill level and am confident when I step onto the basketball court. I have learned so much from my accomplishment and look back at the event in such a positive light. It was a huge accomplishment for me to be able to play point guard when my team needed me most. From this experience I have learned that life is not set in stone, and many things can change in an instant. This challenge that I faced during basketball season taught me many things about life and changed the person that I am today. Because of my accomplishment I have acquired the willpower to succeed in all my endeavors and to always put forth my best effort. The lessons I learned as I became a point guard will follow me through the rest of my life as I come across the many obstacles that life throws at me.

Thank you for your help!!!
karan11295 5 / 42  
Nov 26, 2011   #2
I think you need to emphasize that first game a little more. Bring out the juicy details and how you contributed to the team. Use descriptive language for the atmosphere of the game. And keep the conclusion short and sweet.

Overall it is written well, but the story can be told better. I am sure you'll do it. Good luck
Taelor13 1 / 5  
Nov 26, 2011   #3
As the crowd was going crazy trying to distract me, I focused in on

Added a comma to that statement.

Next shot came around and luckily I nailed it too.

Revised: The next opportunity to score came quickly, and, luckily, I nailed it too.

I really, really enjoyed reading it! :)
mooseygirl89 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2011   #4
the last sentence is a little awkward, maybe change it up a bit? I also think your beginning was weak, it did not catch my attention very well. The rest of it flowed fairly well and was interesting to read. I would probably try to add a more alluring beginning "hook" to the essay, but other than that I'd say this is well written!

:)


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