Need input / constructive criticism for my 800 word biographical essay... Hit me where it hurts !
Not the best grade point average and high standardized test scores. This kid must be a slacker. The end. It is so easy to see only that, but as is often the case, there is much more to the story . In that perfect world that does not exist, I should have been a normal, healthy teenage kid whose grades matched his test scores and who was president of his high school class.
As a youngster it seemed the wind was always at my back. My dad was a young professional whose job took him overseas and my twin brother and sister and I were home with mom who did not work. We moved to a good neighborhood, lived a comfortable life and I was identified early on as a boy genius. There were trips to XXX University to Programs for Talented Youth, I performed in local plays, sang solos at school talent shows, and was elected President of Student Government at my large public school.
The summer before my ninth grade year I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and just as the curtain opened on the Great Recession my parents separated, re-united, separated again, then divorced and my life changed in ways that I never could have imagined . Chaos and economic hardship became familiar companions and what life that did not suck out of me, Crohn's Disease did. I wanted so badly to be the healthy kid who did not miss school because of a chronic illness that I hated literally from the gut, but for me, life had other plans.
I have spent the better part of my high school years struggling with Crohn's symptoms, worried that my friends might figure out my clothing came from thrift stores and whether my parents would be fighting when I came home from school. You see, I live among affluent people and had once been part of that crowd. Despite the illness, the divorce and the stresses I soldiered on. I took as many honors and AP courses as I could and tried hard to be normal. It was not easy. In fact, the combination of challenging courses, Crohn's related absences, the stresses and economic hardships related to my parents' separation and divorce all took their toll on both my heart and my grade point average. It would have been much easier to retreat to the comfort of less challenging courses for the sake of my grade point average but I resisted the temptation.
It is a fact that plants grow best in a stable, fertile environment. As much as I wished it were so, the soil where I lived was rocky and infertile, the nourishing rains were irregular and it seemed the wind always blew. From a distance, or to a casual observer this plant does not seem to have reached its potential. I wonder though, whether the plant that reaches only eighty percent of its potential in a hostile environment is not in fact stronger ? Imagine waking the morning of an AP English test to find your house has no electricity because mom did not pay the utility bill and yet managing a 5.0 on the test. This is the sort of adversity I faced and overcame. I am thankful for the opportunity to acknowledge my weaknesses and share how they have helped shape me as a human being. I have worked hard to maintain a normal life. I have participated in both swim-dive team and hockey at the varsity level all of my high school years, I have remained active in my church, volunteered to serve those less fortunate than I , worked summers as a lifeguard and coached a youth dive team.
I am now under the care of great doctors at Children's Hospital XXX, my medications and treatment have changed and my health has improved. I am ready for the fertile soil of a great university where I know I can grow and prosper to my fullest potential. What I have to offer cannot be taught in a classroom. I have faced and overcome adversity. I am a human being with texture and tenacity and I am ready to face and conquer the challenges to come.
The first sentence is a sentence fragment. It is cool, because the fact that you use a sentence fragment helps to express your expectation that people might give only a bit of their attention before coming to a conclusion that you are slacker. I like that, and I think it is good writing and good use of poetic license - including a sentence fragment in order to express an idea like this. However, it just really is not good to begin your admission essay with a sentence fragment. :-) People will judge you for it.
You can say: This is not the best grade point...
I bet you can find a way to express the fact that Crohn's disease has affected you in a detrimental way without making it seem like you are using it as an excuse for a low grade point average. Just don't come right out and say it. In fact, I think you will be great if you can revise that first paragraph so that the main idea of the first paragraph is an idea about the improvements you have been making and the strong drive you are experiencing, motivating you toward achieving your goals.
You can talk about Crohn's disease in the second or third paragraph, and you can talk about it as a source of motivation and insight. Just don't talk about it as though it is an excuse for a low grade point average.
I like your writing style, and I think the reader will like it too. The best thing you can do here is to focus on your goals and especially on the achievements you want to make by entering the degree program you choose. You can keep all the same ideas, but use a little bit less focus on giving explanations for mediocre grades and give more focus to your goals for the future and on the fact that you are to the process of picking yourself up and overcoming adversity because of how important it is to you that you make a big splash in your professional field.
Not the best grade point average and high standardized test scores.(a comma)This kid must be a slacker.
This is not well preferred. You have to make it clear. who "This" refers to ?
A suggestion, Introduce your name before altered with pronoun "I".
AP courses
Please give clear information what AP is ?
I , worked summers
mis-space using
