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Wind Chimes and Dancing - UC Prompts


Brittanicoleeee 2 / 4  
Nov 24, 2010   #1
Hello there! It would be very much appreciated if you could give me any advice (and especially correct my grammar) on my UC prompt essays! Thank you so much in advance

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

When asked about the world I come from, I think about three things - a loving family, a competitive community, and wind chimes. As a child, the trips to my grandfather's house seemed monotonous. He lived alone in a single-story, house in South El Monte with a rundown swing set and hundreds of wind chimes that nearly encompassed the entire deck area of his backyard. I assume he loved the sound as he would pause and listen to them whenever they would chime. To me, however, they were nothing but a nuisance. Their cacophonous rhythm entirely annoyed me whenever the wind blew. This is why when my father decided to put up a few of his own wind chimes in our backyard I asked him, "Why the wind chimes?" with a short, aggravated tone. My father's response was straight to the point, "I like them."

I began to comprehend the intention of these wind chimes shortly after my grandfather died. Once he passed, his house was cleared out of all memorabilia including his chimes. My father, of course, took most of the assortment as they now reside on the perimeter of our backyard gazebo and perform the loud-sounding ring that fills our house with the typical offbeat routine. I soon realized that the wind chimes reminded my father of his hardships he encountered as a first-generation American from Mexico and of the special bond he shared with his father.

I haven't encountered as many hardships as my father has. This is fact. But in a way, the wind chimes have become a symbol for me in their own way. I have seen the way my father aches to once again bond with my grandfather and I, too, hope to someday create such bonds with not only my family, but others as well. I have realized that my aspiration of becoming a nurse is perfect for creating connections with others. Also, every time the wind chimes ring, they remind me to stay focused in school in order to prepare for my future profession. My school is particularly competitive by nature and thus requires me to keep up with these prevailing standards. The wind chimes ring and I remember to appreciate this fact. Without seeing how important a strong education is to my peers, I would not have been so influenced to push hard to achieve my goals.

I collect my own wind chimes now. Often, I am questioned about the intent of these chimes. I simply say, "Well, I like them."

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was the summer of 2009. I was just about ready to enter my junior year at high school and I had been practicing dance for more than five years at that time. I looked around at my dance peers, most were younger than me but our skill level in ballet dancing was about the same. The fact that most were younger than me yet we all had about the same skill level was not at all self-degrading. I realized this as I watched them go across the floor, demonstrating the current dance move that my teacher shouted out: these girls have been practicing dance since they were toddlers and I've only been in dance for five years, hey, that's pretty good! That was when my teacher called out the next move: fouetté. A fouetté is a ballet turn, performed in series, during which the dancer raises one leg and makes fast outward and inward thrusts for each revolution. It is a highly advanced move and every dancer knows - the better the fouetté, the better the dancer. Anyway, I could not do it. Every time I tried, my leg would turn out in some overly awkward way and my arms, which could have been used to propel my turn, only served one purpose - to catch my fall.

I tried and I tried, but every time my teacher called out that move and I failed miserably at it, my hope to someday turn gracefully amongst my dancer peers was crushed. One day, when my teacher called out a fouetté, my usual pessimistic response was said, "I can't do it." Then, my dance friend, suddenly aware of my personal dilemma, said one thing in particular that I will never forget, "You can't do it because you say you can't do it." Ever since then, this is a maxim that I live by. It opened up my eyes to the realization that "trying" to do something and "wanting" to do something were two entirely different sayings. If I had really wanted to perform a fouetté, I would have done so.

Determined, I spent my days practicing my fouetté turns. I fouetté'd at school in the USB room, at home in my garage, and in dance class. It became an obsession as I felt like I breathed, ate, and slept with fouettés in my mind. This determination paid off. I still remember the date in which I performed my first perfect fouetté. January 12th, 2010 became a noteworthy day in my mind where my teacher noted the excellence. "Perfect, Brittanie!" she said.

For something that might seem so trivial to others, it was one of the most significant moments in my life. I had excelled at something that I had failed at so miserably before. I applied this accomplishment to my life. It made me realize that I could control my future if I really applied myself to everything that I did. Schoolwork, SATs, tests; almost everything became reasonably easier as I realized this insight. I know that this motto that persuaded me to practice fouettés will carry me far into life - past high school and past college. As it had proved to influence me so much and provided me with confirmed excellence, I hope to share this realization with others who feel dismayed from something that they cannot do.

I am proud to say that I still attend my local dance studio and even now, I still perform my favorite ballet move, the fouetté.
Original94 - / 2  
Nov 24, 2010   #2
He lived alone in a single-story, house in South El Monte with a rundown swing set and hundreds of wind chimes that nearly encompassed the entire deck area of his backyard.

(you don't need the comma there)

Their cacophonous rhythm entirely annoyed me whenever the wind blew. (I don't think you need "entirely" there).

This is why when my father decided to put up a few of his own wind chimes in our backyard I asked him, "Why the wind chimes?" with a short, aggravated tone .

I don't think this sentence sounds very good. Something like "When my father put up his own wind chimes in the backyard, I asked him, in a harsh, angry tone, "Why the wind chimes?"

(It's understandable that you hated them, no need to say "This is why") Also, this is very unclear. Are you talking about your father or grandfather? From the previous sentences, it seems like grandfather, but make it clear who your talking about.

memorabilia, including his chimes. (you need a comma here).

My father, of course, took most of the assortment as they now reside on the perimeter of our backyard gazebo and perform the loud-sounding ring that fills our house with the typical offbeat routine.

Be more direct. You dont need "of course" and the sentence is fine without "on the perimeter of". Try to avoid being too wordy. Something like "My father took most of the assortment, as they now reside on our backyard gazebo, performing the loud, offbeat ring that fills our house."

I soon realized that the wind chimes reminded my father of his hardships he encountered as a first-generation American from Mexico and of the special bond he shared with his father. (no need for "he encountered").

and I, too, (no need for the comma after "I").

I thought it was pretty good, but you need to get to the point a little faster. I'm no professional so don't take these suggestions as complete and utter truth, but I think I pointed out the main grammer issues.

I'll do the second statement later on, since I'm writing my own as well.
Original94 - / 2  
Nov 24, 2010   #3
Prompt #2:

It was in the summer of 2009 .
Dont open with "it". Say something like "A major event in my life happened in the summer of 2009". Be specific right off the bat.

I was just about ready to enter my junior year at high school and I had been practicing dance for more than five years at that time.

"I was about to enter junior year at high school, with around five years of dance lessons."
Something like that. Don't use unneeded words.

I looked around at my dance peers, most were younger than me but our skill level in ballet dancing was about the same. The fact that most were younger than me yet we all had about the same skill level was not at all self-degrading. I realized this as I watched them go across the floor, demonstrating the current dance move that my teacher shouted out: these girls have been practicing dance since they were toddlers and I've only been in dance for five years, hey, that's pretty good!

Something like this :
Though most of my dance peers were younger than me, our skill level in ballet was about the same. However, this was not discouraging at all when I realized something as I watched them demonstrating the current dance move that my teacher shouted out: These girls have been practing dance since they were toddlers while I've only been in dance for five years. I thought to myself, "Hey, that's pretty good!"

self-degrading isn't a good word choice.

Anyway, I could not do it. Every time I tried, my leg would turn out in some overly awkward way and my arms, which could have been used to propel my turn, only served one purpose - to catch my fall.

Combine these.
Every time I tried to do it, my leg would turn out in some overly awkward way and my arms, which could have been used to propel my turn, only served one purpose - to catch my fall.

From this, it can be assumed that you couldn't do it.

One day, when my teacher called out a fouetté, my usual pessimistic response was said, "I can't do it."
Use active voice.
One day, when my teacher called out a fouetté, I responded in my usual pessimistic voice, "I can't do it."

Then, my dance friend.
"dance friend" sounds awkward. Say something like "My friend from dance"

It opened up my eyes to the realization that "trying" to do something and "wanting" to do something were two entirely different sayings.

Things, not sayings.

It made me realize that I could control my future if I really applied myself to everything that I did.
Take out "that"

Schoolwork, SATs, tests; almost everything became reasonably easier as I realized this insight .
Schoolwork, tests, and almost everything else became reasonably easier with my new insight.
SATs are tests. The sentence wasn't structured well. Comma, not semicolon.

I know that this motto that persuaded me to practice fouettés will carry me far into life - past high school and past college.

Good sentence idea, but you need to really reword this one.
Maybe something like:
I know that my new motto will carry me far through life, past high school, college, and whatever may come after.
Use this one if you like it.

One more thing, you might not want to use accented letters in your statements. Just write "fouette". No need for the accented e. The adcoms aren't looking for special formatting. If the word HAS to be spelled with the accented e, then ignore what I said.

Anyways, I liked this one a bit more than the previous one, but make sure to fix up all that grammer. Good luck!
OP Brittanicoleeee 2 / 4  
Nov 24, 2010   #4
Thank you so very much for your advice! I really appreciate it. I will definitely correct the things you've mentioned.


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