Hey guys, if anyone could edit/comment this for me that'd be cool. Right now it is just one big paragraph, do you think the format works or should I try to split it up? Also, should I take a different approach from the "I see" repetition? Not sure if its too overused...Thanks!
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
As I look through the dirty, dilapidated windows of H.E. Kenney Gymnasium, I see the building where I have spent two hours every day for the last four years at either track or cross country practice. I see the info sheets handed out at the first practice, and I remember reading those sheets as a freshman with no clue of the role running would play in my life. I see the Tough Illinek award I received at the end of freshman year for my dedication, which encouraged me to train even harder in the coming years. I see the All-State trophy case, which contains photos of every All-State athlete to pass through Uni, and my heroes throughout high school. I see the elusive tenth place Twin City medal, which I missed by three seconds my junior year, and was my motivation for a seventh place finish senior year. I see the Spartan Classic trophies, a reminder of three years of disappointing races there. Next to the trophy cases, I see my coach's office with its ice machine and self-massage equipment, where I have spent countless hours learning how to counter the damage of hard training. I look down the stairs and see the locker room that I have shared with my closest friends and teammates. Then, I look out the front door and see the whole University of Illinois campus, where I have run miles upon miles, alone and with my team, in wind, snow, rain and heat, at all times of day, fast and slow, and see myself as I have grown and changed through the inconstant years of high school, where only one thing was predictable: knowing that every day, regardless of what was happening, I would be out there running.
You have a nice essay there, but I believe you should find a way to replace some of the I see
I also think you have to work more on the part that asks you why what you are seeing is meaningful to you. for example, I see the Spartan Classic trophies, a reminder of three years of disappointing races there. Next to the trophy cases, I see my coach's office with its ice machine and self-massage equipment, where I have spent countless hours learning how to counter the damage of hard trainingHow are these meaningful to you now
the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you.
I think they worded their question in kind of an awkward way, here, but you answered it well.
I think your first sentence is too informative. You should begin with a sentence full of action verbs and imagery... cool words. Get the reader settled in before giving a lot of information.
And while you are at it, check to see if you gave any info the reader does not need in order to catch the meaning. For example, I don't think you even need to give the name of the gymnasium to cnvey your meaning, so it is an unnecessary distraction. :-)
