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Windows on Williams - My Neighborhood and its impact


Yvette12 1 / 1  
Jul 12, 2015   #1
I would like feedback before I submit my short essay! I went above the limit and I'm not sure if that would affect me.. DEADLINE JULY 13

Describe your neighborhood and how it impacts who you are. Limited to 300 words

Memories from my childhood lay within the smaller part of Burnet, Texas, a tiny run-down neighborhood consisting of old dingy homes and lifeless plants seem quite depressing. Lacking diversity, one would find only Hispanics within the area. An enormous Catholic church, a big tourist attraction, borders my unpleasant and unknown neighborhood. Some people often refer my neighborhood as "ghetto" or one of those bad neighborhoods you would not let your child walk alone in. I can somewhat agree, but I personally believe it just needs improvement much like other things in this world.

Most of my neighbors will openly speak of their poor education and mention how they were unable to attend college due to its skyrocketing fees and simply following the wrong path. Most children, as well as teenagers in my neighborhood, tend to follow in their parents' footsteps of not finding education important. Hearing my neighbors' stories makes me realize how important furthering my education is. My family and I struggle as it is, if I can eliminate those burdens I will do whatever it takes. I will study for endless hours and go to school for years just to have a better life for my family and me.

I have always said anyone can achieve success if they are willing to put in the long hours of work. Determination and perseverance is the key. I have never let where I come from affect where I am going but rather use it as motivation. Someday I will come back to my hometown and make it amazing. The people will be inspired and yearn for knowledge. Growing up in this environment has illuminated the light bulb in my head and encouraged me to strive for change. I envision a neighborhood full of color and spirit where the people are educated in both academic and non-academic materials. I picture my neighborhood coming together to get kids off the street and into school to better their lives. In the future I hope to change their perspective so that they know anything is possible.
ChristineB - / 108 55  
Jul 12, 2015   #2
Hi, Yvette. I'll give you a few suggestions on how to shorten your piece:

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Memories from my childhood lay within the smaller part of Burnet, Texas, a tiny run-down neighborhood consisting of old dingy homes and lifeless plants seem quite depressing.

Suggestion: My childhood was spent in Burnet, Texas, a tiny, run-down, depressing neighborhood consisting of old dingy homes and lifeless plants seem quite depressing .

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Lacking diversity, one would find only Hispanics within the area.

Suggestion: The area lacked diversity; only Hispanics lived there.

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Some people often refer my neighborhood as "ghetto" or one of those bad neighborhoods you would not let your child walk alone in. I can somewhat agree, but I personally believe it just needs improvement much like other things in this world.

Suggestion: Some people often refer my neighborhood as "ghetto" or one of those bad neighborhoods you would not let your child walk alone in . I can somewhat agree, but I personally believe it just needs improvement much like other things in this world.

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Most children, as well as teenagers in my neighborhood, tend to follow in their parents' footsteps of not finding education important.

Suggestion: Most children , as well as teenagers in my neighborhood , tend to follow in their parents' footsteps,of not finding education important.

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I hope this has helped you a little!
OP Yvette12 1 / 1  
Jul 13, 2015   #3
Thank you so much, it was very useful!
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Jul 23, 2015   #4
I think you wrote a lovely piece, very touching. You just need some pointers to shorten it a bit.

seems quite depressing...

This could be cut! You don't need to tell the reader how to feel, after that description, it's obvious. So don't be too wordy! Eliminate unnecessarily telling the reader what to think.

unpleasant and unknown neighborhood...

Again, you call it a ghetto at one point. That's enough to create an image that sticks.

Just make your point succinctly, with less flourishes, and you will have cut the unnecessary. I think your form and grammar are fine as is your vocabulary. Just do the necessary editing, and you will have a better essay.

Good luck!

ef_carol
masaji - / 3  
Jul 23, 2015   #5
Hi,

I think it would be better
I will study for endless time and go to get an education for years just to have a better life for us


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