Winning a Competition and Getting Involved in Organizations; NUS Achievements Personal Statement

Hi, I'm new here. Can I please ask for some comments on my personal statement? Are there any parts that I have to elaborate more on? Any inappropriate sentences? Are there any weird phrasing or order of sentences? As well as grammar and spelling mistakes. Thank you so much!

personal statement essay

You should also include a personal statement elaborating your achievements, as well as their relevance to the course of study you have chosen.
(2000 characters)

Going out of the contest room, I was excited but still unconfident of my result. This is my third time participating in national competitions on behalf of my school. The previous two attempts were in junior high school, where I took Mathematics subject. Although I am passionate about mathematics and have studied extensively, I was unable to qualify for the next rounds. I then came across programming and decided to give it a shot. From 2019 to 2020, I studied programming fundamentals and theories, as well as competing and winning medals in various informatics competitions. I found that I enjoy it. The 2021 Indonesian National Science Competition in Informatics I joined recently was my chance to prove my interest. I immediately opened the regency level winner announcement as soon as it was announced. From hundreds of initial participants, my name was listed with the other 47 winners in Jakarta. I soon learned that computing is my true calling, and I am ecstatic to pursue it further.

Getting involved in organizations has also shaped my character and transformed me into a whole different individual. In junior high school, I became a member of the committee for my school's interschool competition. When I was in senior high school, I joined the Student Council. Surprisingly, I was appointed as the treasurer which turned out to be a life-changing experience. These experiences molded my attitude, character, and abilities to the point that I decided to run for Student Council President. Despite the fact that I lost to the elected president, which made me vice president, I learned valuable communication, organizational, and leadership skills. I believe these skills are essential for my future.

NUS has the best computing school in Asia and a long list of successful alumni. My ambition is to use my expertise to help the community and to develop long-term solutions. I believe that applying to NUS will bring me closer to my objectives.

The writer must never indicate unsuccessful competition and school government participation, specially if it is not related to the chosen major. The student must instead focus on his successful accomplishments with a clear explanation of how there activities further solidified his interest and provided a foundation for the course. These are not represented at all in these paragraphs. The requirement is not merely for accomplishments, but related accomplishments. Clearly connecting the two is a must for this essay. The essay provides general character information rather than course specific interest. These are the reasons why the essay does not meet the prompt requirements. The removal of irrelevant accomplishmento and non accomplishments will allow more characters to be used for required discussion paragraphs.

If your intended major is computer science, why would you throw it off by mentioning other subjects that you're not very good at? The prompt asks you to highlight your achievements in your field of interest so I don't think you should mention your failures--something that you haven't been asked about--in a completely irrelevant field. Also, you only state that various organisations have shaped you as a person and not HOW it has shaped you. Maybe you were shy to take up leadership positions but your teammates helped you overcome that shyness by being supportive or that you found yourself thinking critically--something that you perhaps weren't initially very good at. I'd advise you to emphasize on the descriptions. Try to make the essay unique to yourself and not something that any other person can come up with.

Hope this helps!!