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"only winning over myself, will I win over the world." - Admissions Essay


agus3264 1 / 1  
Oct 29, 2008   #1
I would appreciate your feedback, suggestions, comments, etc. Thank you.

Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

The economy of these past years has been a challenge to many. The overspending in the war on Iraq, the real-estate fiasco accompanied by the ridiculous amounts of foreclosures, and the gigantic national debt have created room for the recession we are currently experiencing. Our lifestyles have changed, even to desperate extents. The economy has taken its toll, and some families in response have taken desperate actions.

I immigrated to this country in hope of finding and achieving the American dream, as well as a better standard of living. Ironically, the opposite occurred and the dream seemed to stray away from my grasp . My family invested in the real-estate market when it was at its peak. Poorly guided by the self-interest from the "experts", we naïvely ended up inmersed in a sea of debt. Over a year-and-a-half ago, my life took a dramatic downturn that surprisingly made me a better, stronger, and more mature individual. My dad moved to northern Florida in search of a higher-paying job, the only way we could get out of this quicksand, which in turn would be the only way, as my dad said, that we could ever enjoy the pleasures of life in the future. This was the biggest hit to my family of three, leaving me in a single-parent home. As my dad said, such sacrifices had to be made for my future and that of my family.

My family means everything to me. My dad is truly my hero, and the only person whom I have never heard utter the word "lazyness" or the expression "let's leave it for tomorrow". My mom and I had to become a strong team of moral support and family affection for one another, which was essential for enduring these harsh and challenging times. In the economic aspect, we tightened, cut expenses, and now I even have to contribute to my family's monthly income.

In essence, I have become the "man of the house", my responsibilities have been augmented substancially, my indepence has been greatly expanded, and the once distant "adult life" came earlier than expected. These circumstances have forced me to become greatly disciplined and to re-evaluate my perspective of money and life. Such financial hardships have also shown me the value of business education and knowledge of the economy.

The aforementioned events have led me to try to strive for success in every activity I engage in, to becoming the fittest of the bunch. They have also led me to the answer of the most perplexing question during the junior and senior years of my life, "what is going to be my future career?" I have opted to strive for a dual-degree in business administration and finance at the Warrington College of Business Administration.

I sincerely long to become a Gator, part of its privileged and amazing human infrastructure. I will devote myself to success, by utilizing the lessons experience has taught and my personal moral diplomacy for anything that life throws at me. My personal motto, "only winning over myself, will I win over the world."
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 30, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

Mechanically, a few thoughts. First, the use of hyphens in this piece is unnecessary; you can remove them.

Second, make sure your punctuation is enclosed in quotation marks when you are using them. For example, "experts", should be "experts,".

"...life, "W hat is going..."

Remove the comma after "success" as it is unnecessary.

"..."O nly winning over myself (Remove comma) will I win..."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP agus3264 1 / 1  
Oct 30, 2008   #3
Thank you so much for the corrections. I would like to know what you think about it overall? UF material? Did you like it?
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 31, 2008   #4
Good afternoon.

As I am not a member of the UF admissions manual, I will not be able to tell you if this is "UF material" or not. It is a well organized essay that answers the prompt. You do a good job of describing your reasoning, and it has a good introduction and conclusion. I think it is a good essay overall.

Best of luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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