Hi, I'm applying to UF and I've written the following entrance essay. Any suggestions AT ALL would be greatly appreciated, don't worry you won't hurt my feelings :P
Additionally, I realized that I'm up to 500 words, and the word limit for UF is 450, so any suggestions on cutting irrelevant topics would be very much appreciated.
Thanks for your time.
Topic:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
My Essay:
In my ninth grade year of high school, I came to a sudden and dramatic realization, one that set the tone for the rest of my high school career and, most likely, the rest of my life. What I came to understand was that real talent is nothing more than the culmination of hard work and determination and real prestige comes from the appreciation for that hard work and determination.
Ever since elementary school, art had been incredibly important to me. Back then, as I still do now, I enjoyed being able to create something visual that others could enjoy for its beauty. However, I personally had never believed I was a fantastic student, let alone a decent artist by any means, mostly due to the fact that I had always attended low income schools that averaged a C or worse as their school grade and had few, if any, art programs. I had always envied my friends who attended prominent 'A' schools in wealthy neighborhoods and had the opportunity to enjoy lucrative school programs. The concept of "bigger is better" was constantly being drilled into my head, the idea that unless you came from an affluent neighborhood and attended a prestigious school you were never going to grow up to be anyone even remotely important. Seeing myself in this situation, I came to honestly believe that I was just an average student, who should probably give up on his fictitious hopes of being an artist.
At the age of 15, I began attending Hallandale High School where I joined several clubs, among them, the school newspaper. The teacher in charge of the newspaper, Stephen Cravak, informed us that we would be attending the Florida Scholastic Press Association competition that year, and that everyone should compete in at least one category of their choosing. I decided to enter in the Advertisement competition, although I knew that my efforts would be largely in vain against the hundreds of other better-equipped and wealthier schools. I spent the following weeks working, editing, and reediting my entry for the competition, hoping that it would at least look acceptable.
The day of the competition finally arrived. And I submitted my piece among the hundreds of other entries from different schools. I attended the rest of the convention, becoming increasingly less and less sure of my submission, until the point where I was absolutely sure I had made a mistake even entering it. After all, why should this time be any different from the rest? Hallandale High was just another small, "C" grade school whose academic programs paled in comparison with that of bigger schools like Cypress Bay High and Coral Glades High. I was reliving my early childhood all over again.
Then on the final night of the convention, when the awards were distributed, something incredible happened to me: I won 2nd place for my entry. Additionally my fellow teammate Darrell won 1st place for his advertisement entry. Together, we had surpassed the hundreds of submissions from larger and more prosperous schools hailing from all over the state of Florida.
I finally realized, that it wasn't how wealthy your neighborhood was, what opportunities you were given, or what school you attended that determined how much talent and importance you had, but rather, it was how much work you were willing to put in that determined what you were going to get out of it.
Since that day, I always make sure to put in as much effort as I possibly can into whatever situation I encounter. And I fully plan to apply the same principle to supporting UF and the surrounding campus community as a determined and hardworking individual. My experience has taught me what it truly means to be proud of where I am, and to hopefully be able to exert my full capabilities into making the University the best possible place it can be.
The UF application essay has a character limit, not a word limit. The character limit is 3885, and when you copy an paste your essay into the online application, it will tell you how many characters you have left. I'm just a student too, so i won't critique the whole essay, but i think the second sentence in your introduction is slightly redundant , bacause you said "I came to a...realization..." and in the next sentence, "The realization i came to was...". It is not distractingly repetitive, but some rewording might make it sound a little more sophisticated. Great topic choice, by the way. I experienced the same exact thing with my fastpitch softball team several years ago. Good luck from the competition, maybe I'll see you there hahaha!
Thanks so much for the advice!
Hmm, what about:
"In my ninth grade year of high school, I came to a sudden and dramatic realization, one that set the tone for the rest of my high school career and, most likely, the rest of my life. What I came to understand was that real talent is nothing more than the culmination of hard work and determination."
Removing the double 'realization'
Reading it over again, I realized my ideas were shaky at best. I made a couple of revisions and additions, hopefully I made it more cohesive.
What I came to understand was that real talent is nothing more than the culmination of hard work and determination and real prestige comes from the appreciation for that hard work and determination.
The essay is outstanding, except for this. This may have been your realization, but it isn't true. Talent is more than that. A person could have worked as hard as you, even harder, and won nothing. Talent is different from work. It is the inner eye that sees the work differently.
Work without talent is ordinary.
Talent without work is nothing.
They go together, but they are not the same thing.
EF_Stephen
Wow, when put like that I completely see what you mean. Thanks for comment
and whatever you decide to define talent as, "I came to understand that..." is stronger than, "What I came to understand was..."
2 things I don't like about this essay: 1. Not enough focus on what you're ultimately trying to tell, too much detail in other things like having a C grade school and you do lose some focus because of it 2. This is kind of a byproduct of the first one but you do not do enough in terms of making conclusions and the ones you do make aren't anything special, they won't grab anybodies attention. Part of it is you don't develop enough of this essay to help show this idea that you state in your concluding paragraphs, but try to go deeper in your analysis of this. I'm not trying to sound obnoxious, you have some good elements to your essay, your very passionate for example, but those are two things I would definitely look at.
Thank you very much for your comments, they're not obnoxious at all :P
I was told the very same thing by many people that I showed it to. I'm currently trying to build a more solid connection between hard work and success.
Thanks again
