Winter break essay for school on GOALS

Here is the topic: What are your short-term and long-term goals? Are they related? Which ones are priorities?

This is what I have so far. PLEASE critique (I need a good grade). Anything helps, thanks! :)

"Dr. Malu to the trauma unit STAT," blasts the intercom and I speedily make my way to the emergency room. I start to shake and doubt my abilities of whether or not will I be able to do this? Will I be able to save this person? Then I remember my training and all the arduous hours I spent studying day and night to become what I am today. I swipe away all the negativity swarming my mind and focus on what is pertinent: saving my patient's life. This is my goal. To become a doctor who will help those in need has always intrigued me and by pursuing my education it will lead me to this great achievement.

However, as of now I need to focus on the present and that is graduating high school. Without the foundation of high school the road that will lead me to my long-term goals will be crushed to shambles. Therefore, I have decided to prepare myself for my future which includes the journey of college and medical school by taking challenging classes to spark my interests. Since ninth grade I made it a priority to put school first and enrolled in the Cambridge Program and Academy of Health Professions Program at my high school, Gainesville High. It was there where I learned of my love for rigorous coursework which is what prompted me to remain enrolled in both programs.

I know that when the day comes for me walk across that stage to receive my Cambridge and Academy of Health Professions diploma, my short term goals will be accomplished. I can visualize my family cheering for me in the stands, "you did it Rosemari, way to go!" As I get my picture taken with my principal who proudly shakes my hand I will remember all of the hours I dedicated to be where I am at. This would not be possible if I didn't have a plan, if I didn't have goals set for myself. Both my short-term and long-terms goals work together like when rainbows form after it rains; when one appears it results in the other to develop. Similar to how after I graduate from high school and earn my diplomas I will embark on a new journey to college.

brilliant:)

your last sentence :


could be reworded a little bit though.

Similarly, after I graduate...or something like that.

goodluck!

Your essay is extremely good! The one thing that I would consider fixing is the sentence, "To become a doctor who will help those in need has always intrigued me and by pursuing my education it will lead me to this great achievement." It seems a bit awkward. Other than that everything looks solid.

Stephen made the same edits I would have, so I'll just talk about the essay as a whole.
The question asks you to talk about both short and long-term goals, but it seems that most of what you're saying is about short-term. However, this isn't TOO big of an issue because you swiftly connect how your short-term goals will lead to long-term. It's very well-written, but I think returning to the anecdote from the beginning for a sentence or two would help wrap it up and connect everything.

Good luck! :)

Thanks Ariana! Is this a better ending?

In time, I will learn all of the skills necessary to become that doctor who will save the lives of my patients. First, I will have to do what is pertinent at the moment: succeed in high school. Once this is attained I can move on to more challenging and life rewarding dreams, like getting my doctorate degree and becoming Dr. Malu: a driven and determined physician whose ultimate goal is to help her community by saving lives and promoting health.

Thanks so much! :)