I'm applying to several universities through the Common App, and I'm really nervous about the essay portion.
I've never been a particularly strong writer and both my parents aren't native english speakers, so I'd really appreciate it if I got some feedback on my essays.
Any amount of feedback is fine, I just want to know if I'm on the right track!
Thank you so much for your time!
(I'm sorry, they're kind of long!)
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
I volunteered as a teacher assistant for a youth cartooning class, and although I had no interest in teaching, I did have an interest in art. Growing budget cuts had limited art in schools, so I was overjoyed to see children seeking out more art and gladly shared my passion with them. This was my way of preserving art in my community, and although I couldn't volunteer for very long, I tried to make a difference in my short time there. Art to me is more then just pencil meeting paper. There is a sense of freedom in art, in being able to create whatever I wish, and in having the world at the tip of my pencil. As I acted as the teacher assistant, I felt that I was less a teacher and more a student myself, cooperating with them in the creation of art.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250-500 words)
I had joined my high school's Winter Guard with zero performing skills, nonexistent hand-eye coordination, and no motivation. It was a foolish whim, and I assumed that I would not have to take it seriously. The group was small, barely funded, and unacknowledged by the student body. I did not expect anyone to have any expectations in me, and I had no expectations in anyone.
However, fear and guilt gripped me when the Winter Guard succeeded. There was a sudden increase in members, allowing the Guard to jump several divisions in competition and dramatically improve. The coach and my teammates looked at me with congratulating eyes. I didn't want to be there, yet they gave me such looks anyway, looks that I felt I did not deserve. When I saw the lack of members the following year and the expectation that the coach and team had in me, the same guilt compelled me to join again.
That year, Glencoe High School's Winter Guard was set to participate in Winter Guard International Competition for the first time in the schools history. We would fly to Dayton, Ohio to perform once, possibly twice, before top Winter Guards from all over the world. The reality of the situation charged at me with full force. I'd suddenly regretted joining the Guard. I had no talent or skill, and would only drag them down. I was terrified of the risk, of being put under the massive spotlight, of failing under that spotlight. There were only two things that I could do; leave the team with my head hung in shame, or pull through and learn to dance. I chose the later. Although I had begun the season with no intention to work my fullest, I ended it with aching limbs and more determination then I'd ever had. The stakes had changed once I realized that there were people who were depending on me, and I would make sure to show them that their trust had not been misplaced. It was worth the risk and the hard work to come.
The night before our show day in Ohio, our coach gave us a simple briefing of how the next day would go. She ended her briefing assuring us that no matter how we scored, she was proud of us. That night I slept with a terrifying mixture of guilt for having not taken Winter Guard seriously at the start, anticipation for the show day, and anxiety over how I would do. I knew for sure though that the next day would be the last time I ever preformed with the Winter Guard. It would also be the best time.
Show day finally came, and we took the floor for competition. The audience was mute, our score was only average, and we did not make it to the finals round. I took my risk. I regret nothing.
You are on the right track there Jennifer! I love both of your essays!
However, I should make some criticisms so that they can be improved.
First, in your common app short answer, you said: 'I had no interest in teaching', which can be a risk.
Participating in an activity should be something you really enjoy, hence don't let such negative phrase be included in your essay.
In the fourth line, the sentence is non-parallel, it should not be 'in art..., in being..., in having.'
As to the common app essay, I liked most parts except the last paragraph.
The ending is so abrupt that it can confuse readers. I suggest you to elaborate more on the process of the competition.
Best of luck!
Hi Jennifer,
I too agree with Paul Jo about the negative phrase of "I had no interest in teaching". I think it safer if you give more emphasis to your passsion for art and you willingness to help build artistic talents of your community. That would help you earn more marks for that section.
Art to me is more thea n just pencil meeting paper.----- lovely!!
As I acted as the teacher assistant, I felt that I was less a teacher and more a student myself, ---------I like your style of writing very much!
GOOD LUCK with school!!
