I wish to become an entrepreneur. I have the needed initiative - NU application essay

Northwestern Statement: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (300 words) 330 words

I'm attracted to the high level of education that Northwestern offers its students and moved from its long standing reputation as one of the top universities in the world. During my army service, I was surrounded with the best and brightest that Israel has to offer and endured intricate tasks which required strenuous thinking and collaborative work with my peers. That intellectual atmosphere helped me develop both personally and professionally beyond what I ever thought I was capable of.

[...]

Well it is the first time I post in here, because I am also looking for help.
My first advice is to avoid using contraction, and also try to paraphrase sentences that end with this kind of phrase "professionally beyond what I ever thought I was capable of" or "what I want to be"

I think the first sentence should start with a hook, a sentence to grab the attention of the reader. You have everything you need in the body of the first paragraph, maybe a little bit of rephrasing and rearranging can help - maybe begin with elaborating about the people you served with and how they influenced you, and THEN connect it to why Northwestern attracts and moves you.

For example:
During my army service, I was surrounded by the best and brightest minds that Israel has to offer and endured intricate tasks which required strenuous thinking and collaborative work with my peers. That intellectual atmosphere helped me develop both personally and professionally beyond what I thought myself capable of. This made me attracted to the high level of education that Northwestern offers its students and moved by its long standing reputation as one of the top universities in the world.

See what I did there? just changed the order of the sentences.

Shachar, there is room for improvement in your essay mostly because you deviated more than once from the essay prompt. This is not an autobiographical essay, to mentioning your experience in the navy is not relevant to the essay. It is also the main reason why you went over the required word count. If you start the essay immediately at this particular point;


you will have established your answer the the prompt immediately that requires you to connect the undergraduate school you are applying to with the unique qualities of Northwestern University. Follow it up immediately with;


and you will have established the qualities that you share in common with other Northwestern students. Adding this following will establish the way that you plan to utilize the opportunity to study at the university:


If you will kindly revise your essay to reflect these changes, I believe that you can be assisted in further strengthening the essay within the proper word count. Don't worry about the actual word count while you are revising the essay. The word count, grammar problems, and other situations existing within the essay will be fixed as the content of the essay is revised.

Edited version, would love to hear your opinions :)

I'm attracted to northwestern's Financial Economics Certificate program. I spent the last several years investing my own money and although I did beat my benchmark which was the S&P500, I believe that attending this program will take my business understanding to the next level and help me develop as a professional.

I wish to become an entrepreneur. I've the needed initiative, but I'm missing the academic education that will broaden my horizons and teach me how to carry out enterprises. I believe Northwestern's qualities will enable me to prosper as a person and as an entrepreneur. Furthermore, I think that I can contribute to its cultural diversity and be an integral part of it.

In addition, I also love that Northwestern has students from all over the world because it produces a mixture of cultures. I traveled alone around the world for a year, met people from almost every place on the globe and learned many things from them. In addition to perfecting my English, I learned Spanish, Polish, and to speak a bit of many other languages. I wish to continue to expose myself to different cultures and I would love to share my experiences with my peers.

During my army service, I was surrounded by the best and brightest minds that Israel has to offer and endured intricate tasks which required strenuous thinking and collaborative work with my peers. That intellectual atmosphere helped me develop both personally and professionally beyond what I thought myself capable of.

Now, I wish to study at a university that offers a similarly high level of intellectual atmosphere and study with the brightest students from all over the world. I believe that being surrounded by so many successful people will help me develop even further and will inspire me to excel academically and to become a predominant entrepreneur.