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Wish to further develop my skills - Application essay for United World College

vitachai 1 / -  
Jan 9, 2022   #1
Hi, I'm applying for UWC for the 2022 session. I'd really like some feedback/constructive criticism on my essay that I'm submitting along with my application. The topic was as follows:

Please provide a statement explaining why you are interested in attending a UWC college.

Reflecting on UWC's mission and values, what you might contribute to the college and what you would hope to gain from the experience.

I'm interested in attending a UWC college because I'm eager to gain new experiences that will enable me to grow into a mature and responsible person, as well as to collaborate with peers from different parts of the world. I believe studying in a much more diverse community than my current schools will help me open my eyes and mind which will eventually lead me to achieve my dreams and make a contribution to the world.

I think UWC's values are among the most important ones for an individual to grow into an energetic game-changer who advocates world peace and justice, and a sustainable future. In my opinion, UWC's mission and values are well connected. Without possessing these values, it will be impossible to accomplish the mission.

In terms of sustainable development, I'm particularly concerned about the deteriorating environmental issues around us. I joined the school's bird watching club when I was in grade three. Since then, nature has become a great fascination to me. I started to realize that with intelligence, sapiens have evolved and developed tremendously. However, if we keep on exploiting the natural resources and do not put a brake on carbon emission, this planet will inevitably encounter another mass extinction that has already taken place on many species nowadays.

If I get accepted by UWC, I would like to further develop my skills and interest by starting a project that aims at preserving nature and wildlife. With UWC's diversity, we can make the project more global and it will hopefully create a wide impact on human beings. Furthermore, I hope through the project to pursue my goal in further education and a career that will make the world a sustainable place to live in.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,267 3977  
Jan 10, 2022   #2
I think UWC's values are ... accomplish the mission.

Remove this paragraph as it is devoid of an actual response to the prompt. You need not provide a general opinion statement on the usefulness of the mission and values of UWC since there is no reason to do so. Respond to the prompt only, avoid paragraph fillers that will not help in the assessment of your relationship with the UWC core objectives.

The UWC mission is related to being an anti-racist, diverse, equitable and inclusive institution. I do not get a sense of this in your essay. It appears that you did not do factual research on UWC. You did not go beyond the opening page of their website, hence the irrelevant discussion response that you presented. The objective of the university? To help the youth and future leaders in training understand that "You are needed" to help create an equal world. How do you aim to help spread the information that the youth are needed to change the way our world is today while a student at UWC? Factor in these considerations then revise your response to reflect these UWC goals.

By properly discussing your ideas regarding the UWC values and objectives, you should be able to revise your contribution statement as well to help reflect how sustainability fits into the mission and values statement.

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