Hi, everyone
please help me on my college supplementary essay, the deadline is March 1st, and I really need all the help I can get
Thanks everyone for your kindness and taking the time to read and comment on my essay.
During your time at Whitman, how do you envision engaging with a current local, national, or global issue that is important to you?
"If you could wish for one thing, what would it be?" I was asked this question by a friend of mine whose mother recently passed away. At first, I was startled by her question, wondering why she would ask this. She said, "Do you know what I would do, if I had a wish?" I looked at her, wondering if she has finally reached her breaking point, she continues "I would go back in time, and erase my mother's pains, before her death". When I heard her answer, I was surprised, I expected her to say, "Bring my mother back to life", but instead, she only wished for a moment of joy. If I was asked this question, two years ago, I would probably say "wealth" or "power". Not knowing the extent of a wish, or things that could be accomplish by such wish. To know that if this question was asked by many people, they too would probably wish for wealth or something similar. And knowing that many people will choose "I" instead of "we", really made me think of the purpose of my existence, and what I would do if I had a wish.
So what would I do if I had a wish? There are so many things I would wish for, the list is endless. I could wish to end poverty; wars, social injustice, wish for peace or to put an end to the extent of human's ability to commit evil. But if I wish for all those problems to be gone, would humans still repeat their actions? Would they ever learn from their mistakes? or would my wish be nothing but a waste? Growing up in West Africa, I have lived through poverty, wars, social injustice and human's atrocities. So it's only naturally for me to want to eradicate these problems that are polluting Africa, and limiting the ability for the continent to transcend. However, if I had one wish I would wish for the social justice concerning children educational rights.
Females in Africa are view as nothing more than child-bears. Most parents don't education their girls' children, not because they don't have it, but because they believe it's a waste of money, and instead makes profits from their child through arrange marriages. These Practices are seen all over Africa. Children at the age of 6 are given up for marriage to adults, old enough to be their father, without any say in their future. To know that females are being treated in such ways really impact my aspect of life, and I realized the importance of making my contributions to the struggle of social injustice in my region. I hope to underline the causes and side effects of children that were raised in sure homes, and open an education institution for these children. I will promote awareness to mostly low-income families that tend to practice this ritual. I believe that by providing opportunities like these will decrease the amount of children that are being "sold" into arranged marriage as well create a future for these innocent souls. I will strive to be the voice for these children so they would come to appreciate their own worth. They too can grow up and hope to eradicate issues like these that are according all over Africa. In this process, I will transform myself into an individual, who view the world as "we" instead of "I", so that the next time I am asked, "If you could wish for one thing, what would it be?" I would say simple, wish for me "we" instead of "I".
Please note,
1 This sentence is not clear
So it's only naturally for me to want to eradicate these problems that are polluting Africa and limiting the ability for the continent to transcend.
2 However, if I had one wish I would wish for the social justice concerning children'S education.
3 Most parents don't EDUCATE their DAUGHTERS SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY WANT TO makes profits OUT their CHILDREN through EARLY marriages.
4 I hope to underline the causes and side effects of children that were raised in sure homes, and open an institution FOR education OF these children.
5 I will MAKE aware THE low-income families that tend to practice this ritual mostly.
or things that could be accomplished
If I was asked this question, two years ago, I would probably say "wealth" or "power". Not knowing the extent of a wish, or things that could be accomplish by such wish. To know that if this question was asked by many people, they too would probably wish for wealth or something similar. And knowing that many people will choose "I" instead of "we", really made me think of the purpose of my existence, and what I would do if I had a wish.
.... Well... I see you have a good point which is also very effective. However, I find you tend to talk about it a little bit overly. Don't consume more than one sentence for one idea.... The reader always expects to know something new and when you repeat the same thing your writing would be boring to him.
or would my wish be nothing but a waste? (Or)
Females in Africa are view as nothing more than child-bears. (viewed) (child-bearers)
Most parents don't education their girls' children, not because they don't have it, but because they believe it's a waste of money, and instead makes profits from their child through arrange marriages. (their female children?) (could be two sentences) (make a profit) (arranged)
*You write that you have grown up in West Africa, so I'm going to guess that you've seen this. I would try to work some of that personal experience in there.
I like your opening, it made me want to keep reading!
