There is two important things you need to know before I elaborate my answer, one I have a brother whose 1 year older than me, two he studies Economics in the best school in Mexico.
When asked to describe myself I tend to tell people I am really honest, probably not as the definition demands of saying the truth and only the truth but more as in who am I, so following that statement I will tell you the truth about myself.
For many people I am fearless girl whose not afraid to say what she's thinking, which is partially true except I am not fearless, I don't wish to sound weak because that's something I have never considered myself but I do feel insecure from time to time, like many others with bigger intelligent brothers I have to accept constant comparisons and live with them, well I really wished for that to stop, I want to create my own path, I know we are different but people don't seem to notice that therefore I wish to have the opportunity to go abroad and start from scratch, get to know a completely different culture, meet new people, have my own academic journey where the shadow of my brother remains hidden; don't get me wrong, I love him and he would probably be the person I will miss the most if admitted but I believe is time for us to go our separate ways.
I tried to explain my parents all this, as expected they thought I was jealous of him which I'm not, I'm very happy for him, he's having the time of his life at his university but watching him there and picturing myself there is not something that appeals to me, I really want to start over, experience life from a complete different perspective, loose the comfort my family provides by being close.
This is the first time I have written down how I feel about being in my brother's shadow for so long, since we are pretty close in age and one year apart while in school, teachers and classmates even friends couldn't value us as individuals only I got the worst out of it since I am the little one, for once in my life I wish people would take me seriously and value me without knowing beforehand my brother achievements.
I read your essay a few times and I will get to my critiques in a second. Content-wise, I like the message you are trying to convey. However, you have many grammatical mistakes and literary errors that need to be fixed because they are detracting from your content.
My advice to you is to rewrite the piece, paying exceptionally close attention to grammar and structure. Your piece would be considered a no-no for multiple reasons. The general idea when writing is to show, not tell. You are rambling in this piece and there is a lack of coherent organization. Outline this piece when you re write it. You must have an introduction that grabs the reader's attention. Select one story in your life that you feel encompasses the main idea of always being compared to your brother and introduce it in a way that will make readers want to read. After the introduction, you need to smoothly transition into your body, where you will continue to tell your story in a way that is interesting. Afterwards, smoothly transition into the conclusion where you address the prompt and articulate your response. The readers need to see fluent transition and structure. You are all over the place with the current piece.
As for grammar, do not use contractions in formal writing. So no "I'm, we're, he's, she's, etc... None of that, except when using the possessive form. Also, be careful with verb and subject agreement. For example, in your beginning, The correct sentence would read: "There are two things..." as opposed to "There is two things...". Also, watch for comma splices. "There is two important things you need to know before I elaborate my answer,. one I have a brother whose 1 year older than me, two he studies Economics in the best school in Mexico." Be careful with words that sound alike but are spelled different. In the beginning, you probably meant to say you have a brother Who isone year older than you, as opposed to whose. Remember, follow your conventions of writing, and utilize spell check as well!
To start your new piece, I would relate the anecdote of how your brother went off. Start of with the image of him departing and how you felt about that moment. Then expound on how that moment relates to your other feelings. I know this is a lot, but you can do it. This piece has a lot of potential to turn into something amazing. Best of luck! If you want more help from me, you can find my email address on my profile. I will be more than happy to assist you in the future.
Thank you very much for your help, I've considered everything you said, and rewrote my essay, I hope it is better now, and I would be very grateful if you revise it.
Not bad. Definitely better than the first one. However, more still needs to be done.
I have always been very fond of my brother, since he is only a year and seven months older than me it could only have gone only in two ways, we could have been great friends or complete strangers, thankfully we managed the former rather than the latter;(this whole sentence is one long run-on sentence. You have multiple comma splices.) six months ago he moved out, so he could be near his university; he is now studying Economics in one of the best schools in Mexico. When he left, it hit me, he was leaving after seventeen years of living together, we were no longer going to share our daily talks, or any personal jokes we had developed through the years, only I also felt relief.Comma splices again.
If you ask the people who know me(Try saying "The people who know me" in order to eliminate the second person word "you) , they will tell you(say) I am a fearless girl who will always express her opinions, even when they are opposite to whatever everyone else think,(Try replacing the struck out content with "contradict popular opinions".they are partially right, something I am really proud of, is the fact that I stand by my opinions which are not solely what I think but have arguments to back them; nevertheless they are mistaken in one thing, I am not fearless, on the opposite I am pretty insecure, although I am very good at hiding it, if I may add, still it has been one of the biggest problems in my life often due to comparisons with my brother.(This part has potential. Try to articulate what you are saying a little better. Start of like: "Though I do stand by my opinions...., I am not fearless..." Try to use language that better depicts the dichotomy your are attempting to show the reader.)
People, not even my parents, do not understand the weight I have been carrying since I entered school,(comma splice here) teachers, classmates, friends, acquaintances; they all manage to make a comments on how great my brother is, what a great student he is, how funny or social he is and afterwards comes the moment when they ask if I am as good as he is, as if they were asking me if I am worth as much as he, somehow, without even noticing, they belittle me.
The problem is, I am tired of these comparisons, I really wish desire to be able to go somewhere where people did not know my brother, a place where I could be valued for who I am, this will not be possible if I stay in Mexico since I would have to apply to the same school my brother goes to, because after all it is the best but if I could have the opportunity to leave the country I will go without thinking it twice.
I do not wish to carry these feelings around any more, just as I do not wish to develop recent(I think you mean to say "resentment" rather than "recent") towards my brother since he does not deserve it.
This piece is much better than the first. As I said before, watch for those comma splices! you had quite a few in this revision. I want to get all of the grammatical errors out and then start working with content. Go through the piece again with a fine tooth comb. Find all of your comma splices and fix them by making them different sentences. Just for reference, a comma splice is basically when you insert a comma where you need a period or another form of punctuation. The content is much better. Clean it up grammatically and then we can do some content work! Nice job once again!
