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Woman for Humanity - the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University


obluebeanso 2 / 4  
Oct 18, 2019   #1
Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this? (Maximum: 250 words)

Please review my short paragraph. It's a rough draft but I have no idea where to take it!

I strive to be the humanitarian



I dream of becoming the woman who puts human back into humanity. But first, here's a little backstory. The hardest part of my college journey had been choosing a major. I've always been decisive, so my uncertainty was a struggle for both me and my family. A family friend of mine suggested speech therapy. I will not forget the expressions on her face, tears in her eyes, and gratefulness in her voice as she was telling me about her daughter's therapist. It was so heartfelt that at that moment I decided my dream is to be someone who could solicit that reaction out of people. I know I wanted to choose a path where I could benefit others. But I also realized that I didn't have to limit myself by only helping people through my career. There are other ways such as volunteer work, donations, and raising awareness. I believe Syracuse University can help me achieve my dream not only by providing extraordinary academics but also by giving me the skills and abilities necessary for leadership and management through which I can be the humanitarian I strive to be.

Maria [Contributor] - / 1,062 374  
Oct 19, 2019   #2
@obluebeanso
Hello. Thanks for coming to the forum. I'm going to give feedback on this essay of yours. Hopefully, this will help you in your writing endeavors.

Generally, I think that there's nothing significantly wrong with your writing. You had all of the basics covered. Moreover, you had used quite a clear tone in your writing, making it easier to comprehend what the core topic is. What I do suggest, however, to improve your writing would be to utilize more efficient methods of relaying your story. For example, if we take a look at the flow of the essay, the third to the last sentence appears to be quite baffling given the content of your writing. From the beginning, you were trying to make the readers realize that the university would help you - and yet, the small idea of being able to help others aside from a career-oriented perspective appeared to be quite off-putting and far from this. I suggest rephrasing certain parts such as this to make the writing a lot more conducive.


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