Okay I realize the last paragraph isn't really coherent so I need help on revising it!
UC Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am a woman of science. I praise Descartes, revere Newtown, and idolize Einstein. If an idea or concept cannot be plugged into an equation, scrutinized under a microscope, or observed in an experiment, I simply struggle to believe the validity of it. So it comes as no surprise that I wrestle with abstract concepts like love, hate, fear, happiness, and so forth; one cannot solve for love by performing a differential or by measuring it in a test tube. That is not to say I have not tried to comprehend it! I have researched and read, transcendentalists like Thoreau and Emerson, existentialists like Nietzsche; however, I fail to understand how they can be so sure of their beliefs without hard evidence. Nevertheless I convinced myself that I was capable only to understand the hands-on and experimental, the concrete.
At the start of high school, I began a hands-on experiment of my own. I started to tutor a student who was struggling in math and science. I did it for no compensation or volunteer hours, but as a personal experiment: to see if I was capable of helping others. With every problem asked, every chapter questioned, I tried my best to explain to her; why do the quadratic formula or how DNA helicase works. Teaching is certainly not my specialty; my brain probably looks like the chicken scratch of a scientist's journal so it is a struggle to properly execute my thoughts. I might not be the best teacher, and she might not be the best student, but what holds our relationship together is faith. She has faith that I give her correct information and my faith is reassured every time I hear an, "Oh, now I get it," or notice an expression of understanding.
Faith is a broad, abstract term that can generally be defined as a confidence or trust in a person or thing. Therefore, I have renamed myself as a woman of faith. I put faith into my teachers because they have taught me the basis of my imperative knowledge; I put faith into science because it represents what I believe; I put faith in the future because I desire use all my learned knowledge to go beyond the realms of what is already known; and I put faith in myself because I know I have potential. The only proof that can confirm faith is personal belief. I realized the faith I have in myself is concrete, just as the Thoreaus, Emersons, Nietzches, and all innovative thinkers alike have proved to the modern world. Thus, I proudly put myself among the revolutionaries.
Your essay looks great, you seem to answer the prompt. You also put your own personal thoughts into it, and "show" more than "tell" us what's going on. I'll keep reading and see if there's anythign I would change.
In the beginning, when you mention Newton, Einstein, and Descartes, you should mention their work along with the name so that it is not just name dropping. Like this:
I praise Descartes's skepticism, revere Newtown Newton's profound observations about natural law, and idolize Einstein for ushering in an era of quantum physics with his Relativity Theories.
Oh, that goes for the other's too: Don't just say, transcendentalists such as Thoreau and Emerson... you have to use that opportunity to show real familiarity, or it will seem like you just quickley googled around for important pioneers of science and literature. You'll have to mention something about each person whose name you drop -- something that proves that you have actually read what they have written -- Einstein, Nietzche, Thoreau, Emerson, Newton, Descartes... if you mention the name, I think you have to give half a sentence to demonstrate how knowledgeable you are about them.
That will make this even better... but it is already well-written!
