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Women of Color and Strong Business Fields - Yale Significant Issue Question

Newmoo 1 / -  
Jan 2, 2019   #1

Discuss an issue that is significant to you

and how your college experience might help you address it

Colorism, the bastard child of racism, clouds my sense and my self-worth, continuously robs me of confidence. From Nigeria to India, people of darker hues bear the labels of "lazy, unattractive, stupid", the prejudice taking the form of apprehensive side eyes, shorter-than-appropriate tempers, and dismissive hand waves.

These prejudices don't manifest from the ashes left by hate, but from lack of representation. How can you cultivate your own sense of beauty and success when the people the surround you cultivate it for you? That's what happens every time a child of color turns on their television or scrolls through social media such as Instagram and Twitter.

Characters with darker complexions frequently become the workers and house-help on children's TV shows, allowing little to no positive representation for children with cursed skin. As a result, young children, mainly young girls, succumb to the many products' and advertisements' promises of a more fulfilling life if they simply became shades lighter than a brown paper bag. And I hate it; I hate the powerlessness of it all.

These children need role models, people they can aspire to be and Yale trains those future leaders. Joining clubs like Yale's Africa Business and Society and Yale Entrepreneurial Society would train and motivate me to achieve higher positions. Learning and working with the people I could meet at Yale will give me the confidence to break the mold around women of color entering business fields, to become the leader I needed growing up.

That's the essay.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,311 3348  
Jan 4, 2019   #2
Ngozi, try to control your own temper when writing this essay as nobody is arguing with you. Instead try to keep an even and academic tone in your presentation. phrases such as "bastard child" do not have a place in an academically written interview. You are portraying too much anger at Colorism to the point where it comes across as you being combative with everyone around you. That is not the image nor meaning you wish this essay to portray. Remember, this is a written interview, so present yourself in the best light possible by omitting any combative tones or phrases.

There is also an unclear sentence in this essay: ...success when the people the surround you cultivate ... I believe you were trying to say "... when the people THAT surround you..." Was I right? If so, then change the reference word to make the meaning of the sentence clearer.

Rather than saying that you hate a situation, indicate that you "dislike" it and you would like to change that concept in your own way. Hate is such a strong and combative word. Like I said, you must keep an even tone and temper in the presentation by presenting logical discussions rather than challenging the reader to a debate with every paragraph you complete. Nobody is fighting with you. The reviewer is looking forward to hearing your thoughts, just not in such a fiery manner of presentation.

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