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"Women are still not equal to men" - Why Wellesley short


alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Jan 15, 2011   #1
The Prompt
'When choosing a college, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. To this end, the Board of Admission is interested in knowing your reasons for applying to Wellesley College and how Wellesley will help you to realize your personal and academic goals.'

My response
Tethered to the world by the chains of history, women are still engaged in a struggle to obtain equality that is effortlessly given to men. We are immersed in a culture where women are no longer required to tread ten steps behind a man, nonetheless, I want more. I want to sing myself hoarse during Step-Singing, I want to browse the shelves of the campus library, and I want bask in the sun on the Severance Green.

Tethered to the world by the chains of history, women are still engaged in a struggle to obtain societal positions that are effortlessly given to men. We may live in a culture where women are no longer required to tread ten steps behind a man, but progress still needs to be made. Clair Babrowski, retired Executive Vice President of Toys 'R' Us, once said, "We picture men in leadership roles. As a woman you already have this hurdle to overcome." As a woman interested in pursuing a career field dominated by men, I believe Wellesley College can help me overcome these hurdles and provide me with the foundation necessary for success. Wellesley cultivates leaders, and I intend to be one.

Wellesley College has an unparalleled academic and social community that transforms students into professionals and individual passions into a career. With the flexibility of a liberal arts curriculum, at Wellesley I can flourish, be innovative, and fulfill my educational desires. At Wellesley, I want to sing myself hoarse during Step-Singing, I want to browse the shelves of the campus library, and I want bask in the sun on the Severance Green. Wellesley gives students a voice and with the small class sizes, my voice will be heard. The college's dedication to service and leadership will prepare me for post graduate life, by providing me with a holistic education, while also allowing me to focus on my academic disciplines of International Relations and Political Science. Additionally, Wellesley will provide me with a place to be unique, to grow, to educate my inquiring mind, and to interact with a diverse body of people. As a Wellesley student, I can picture myself achieving academic success, studying abroad, engaging in revolutionary research, living in Tower Court, and participating in the Wellesley in Washington Internship Program. Furthermore, with the exchange program and the city of Boston located only miles away, there are no limits to a Wellesley education.

College is a medium through which students can turn themselves into what they want to be. I aspire to be a member of the Wellesley community; I want to be a Wellesley Woman. Moreover, I want to live by the Wellesley motto "Non Ministrari sed Ministrare-Not to be ministered unto, but to minister"

Any feedback would be great as this is due today and I will read your essay in return. Do you think I should add more because I feel like I should. Be mean please
lynsiecheri 5 / 12 4  
Jan 15, 2011   #2
I like the second paragraph, but the first I would suggest getting rid of. The second paragraph answers the question dead on. I was a little distraced by the women walking behind men...that part lead me to believe your essay was about the struggle of women throughout history....but that's not what it's about So I would say remove it. The last sentence of paragraph 3, what does it mean? Tie it in.
lolaeve45 2 / 4  
Jan 15, 2011   #3
I want more. I want to sing myself hoarse during Step-Singing, I want to browse the shelves of the campus library, and I want bask in the sun on the Severance Green. can't you? I think you should maybe list some things men really do have an advantage over..such as get higher paying jobs, be taken seriously in class/workforce, etc.

Is this an all girls school? If so, then the first paragraph does tie in because you are saying that through this school you and other women can "live, learn, and flourish" without any female discrimination. It personally like this paragraph and ties into the reason you want to go to this school.

I don't really know if the quote at the end is a good idea?
aakash988 4 / 6  
Jan 15, 2011   #4
Wellesley is a great academic and social community that turnstransforms students into professionals and individual passions into a career.

As a Wellesley undergraduate, I imaginecan picture myself achieving academic success, engaging in revolutionary research, living in Tower Court, and participating in the Wellesley in Washington Internship Program. I feel like saying "I can picture myself" sounds a bit stronger

I like how the essay comes full circle but I feel like you can add another short paragraph before the second paragraph or after the second paragraph and before the conclusion.


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