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Who am I? (200 words)


gracetm 6 / 13  
Dec 9, 2008   #1
Self -identification and self expression may take many forms. Use the richness of your life to give us insight--Who are you? (word limit:200)

Who am I?
I have always believed that only after everything external has been taken away is the left person the real me. Then what are left are simply my heart and my mind. I can't paint not given a brush, yet I have developed the talent to recognize true beauty. I could no longer play the piano without a keyboard, but I am still moved to tears when hearing a piece of melting work. I will not be considered pretty anymore when standing in front of a stone-age tribe, but I know I will receive their smiles because in my eyes that shine of kindness would never fade.

Looking inward, I observe love and cares, grief and joy, queries and awakenings, interests and passion, dreams and wills. The love is given not just to family but also to mankind; the cares are both for the beloved and those in need. I regard pain the exact way I cherish mirth. I think and learn to discover truths as wide as the universe, as deep as people's souls. All that I am striving for is an eventual harmony in the internal me as well as the external world. (197 words)

Is it too general or abstract? Please revise it and give some suggestions. Any criticism would be appreciated as well.

janaylloyd09 4 / 9  
Dec 9, 2008   #2
i like it!!!!!:-) you should give a little more details but its not required. Its short and to the point. NIce.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 9, 2008   #3
I cannot paint if not given a brush, yet I have developed the talent to recognize true beauty.

Well, you need to wrap it up with a nice conclusion. You need to boldly say what you mean, after all the eloquent abstraction.

I like what you wrote about "you" being what is lef over after all external things are taken away. It is interesting to note that even the thoughts that come into your mind are the results of knowledge that has come to you from OUTSIDE yourself. If your thoughts are reflections of external things, what is you?? It is a conundrum.
Sofia 4 / 12  
Dec 10, 2008   #4
I like it!!!!!! just try to write more specificly and detailed :) good job
OP gracetm 6 / 13  
Dec 11, 2008   #5
Can anyone help me with this, please? Stanford gave a prompt and I'm not sure what it is talking about...

"Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging."

What would be an example?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 11, 2008   #6
"Intellectual" refers to something that involves the application of knowledge, like a deep study of a topic. Perhaps you have gone very deep in your study of something, something that has to do with your intended major. Maybe you have learned the principles behind hypnotherapy, or martial arts, or meditation, or dance, or something else that is complex and meaningful.

"Vitality" is live energy, so they are asking about something about which you feel passionate. I wonder if you have studied Christianity in depth, or Zen Buddhism, or some other kind of philosophy.

What intellectual subject is so fascinating to you that it gives you energy, vitality? :)

Maybe you know a lot about the part of philosophy called "ethics." Maybe for example, you are vitally passionate about some moral issue... like compassion. Whatever you write about, explain it as something that stimulates you intellectually, and it has to be something that you have deep insight into -- insight that you can capture in words for this essay.
shahindian2009 8 / 12  
Dec 12, 2008   #8
I think you should include a little more about yourself. But the whole idea of your essay is excellent.
OP gracetm 6 / 13  
Dec 16, 2008   #9
I am still working on the self-identification essay, and here is the Stanford one.

"Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging." (250 words-1800 characters)

I wrote everyday, but hardly realized how amazing a world there was behind what I was writing until one day I saw a piece of work created by a local calligraphist. It was a birthday present for his student who was born in the year of horse. It says HORSE, one single character on a blank sheet of paper, yet I sensed an inspiring spirit beyond the simple word. One stroke raised as head, four strokes stretched as legs, and an invigorative young horse should run out of the paper! He turned his head and gave back a look of distain to the obstacles he had just overcome. His eyes shined with pride and his pose revealed a determination to conquer. All those simply came out of several brush strokes. I was amazed by my own realization.

That vivid picture evoked a profound understanding of this traditional art. I then saw that each character contains its own spirit, emotion, or quality, and perhaps that is why "character" was given its name. Together with the way a chirographer conveys those meanings, which is also a reflection of his or her feelings and thoughts, "characters" codetermine the excellence of a piece of calligraphy work. Hence, I always give a more insightful look into what I write, and try to infuse it with my own disposition, or with the temperament I intend to develop. This art is not only a visual palace, but also an expression of personality. The study of calligraphy cultured my life-long love for the beauty of Chinese characters.

Please revise it and give some suggestions. It's 259 words right now. Is that a bit short? What could I possibly talk about if I want to make it longer? Thank you:)
miawrites - / 1  
Dec 28, 2008   #10
(I wrote everyday, but hardly realized how amazing a world there was behind what I was writing until one day I saw a piece of work created by a local calligraphist.)

So, this feels like a run-on sentence. I would suggest finding a different way to say this, with an opening sentence that just makes people go "...WHAT?" We've got this one chance to impress them, so be memorable!

(On this journey, I hope to befriend with people with the same aspiration)

Revise this to 'On this journey, I hope to befriend people with the same aspiration.'

Make 'ethnic background' plural.

And with the first sentence, if you're going to keep it, revise it to 'is the person left the real me'. That just sounds awkward. And maybe you could spice it up. This is a great opportunity to show schools who we are aside from the stats and the numbers.

So, I have a question too. Do you think writing my essay about writing fiction, or the idea of publishing a book could be considered intellectual? Is this prompt maybe supposed to be interpreted more strictly?
OP gracetm 6 / 13  
Dec 28, 2008   #11
Thank you for your suggestions, miawrites:)

I think you have a good idea, but it also depends on how you actually write it. The promt is basically asking you to talk about one of your interests, so I don't think it's too strict.
abcdefg 3 / 7  
Dec 28, 2008   #12
Yeah I like your first essay. But you were right about making it more detailed. It seems vague and abstract. Lots of people may share the same feelings as you do but putting in personal anecdotes or traits would help set you apart
OP gracetm 6 / 13  
Jan 3, 2009   #13
Thank you, abcdefg! Your comments are right to the point! yea, that's what I am actaully worrying about.
vk123 2 / 7  
Jan 4, 2009   #14
I think the essay is ok, but I don't think you are being clear on what you talking about. so you should be more specific.
charliesun 9 / 28  
Jan 4, 2009   #15
It make sense to lots of people. But it is a little abstract. Add one or two examples and make it better to be understood.
EF_Constance - / 143  
Jan 5, 2009   #16
I have always believed that only after everything external has been taken away is the left person the real me. Then, what is left is simply my heart and my mind.

The love is given not just to family, but also to mankind.

Good job!


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