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Bu essay. 3 words that describe you! comments are welcome!

mjellma 6 / 26  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Bu supplement essay. In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

Lying awake in bed, a 10-year-old girl hears a whimper. With her curiosity coaxed, she sneaks out of the room, trying not to wake her sleeping parents next door. Outside where snow had whitened the horizon, a single creature lay curling on itself for warmth, trying in vain to find shelter. The girl knew she should return to her bedroom and forget about the dog. She had been warned not to touch stray animals because of risks she could no longer recall when facing a quivering puppy.

Later that night, the shouts of a woman could be heard across the neighborhood. It was the young girl's mother who had found her child nestling a stray dog in her bedroom, cuddling it as she did her favorite teddy.

Another winter has arrived. The girl is sitting in front of a piano, eager to let go of reality and turn to her inner world. Sounds flow gracefully while fingers dance blissfully on black and white piano keys. Stunning melodies are created as she lets her inspiration take charge. She is in heaven; her creativity had opened the golden gates. A final delicate note closes the symphony. Applauds erupt from behind her; her family had gathered at the door, allured by the beautiful melody.

The magic is broken when she looks at the clock, she has ten minutes until her Italian course begins. The girl runs down the street, hurrying, refusing to miss even a second of her precious lesson, even though Italian is her fifth foreign language.

Midnight. The girl's mother is looking at her child who had fallen asleep on a chair, with her faces cushioned in a thick book yet another time. She sees her schedule on the desk; Monday: school, math club, charity project, piano lesson, Italian course. She bends and places a kiss on her cheek, "My ambitious, little girl" she says.

The little girl is me.
I have matured during those years, but I have never strayed from my compassion, creativity and ambition. As someone who is compassionate and cares deeply for the well being of others, I have always tried to help those in need; be it sheltering an animal, a planning charity program, or simply being there for moral support. I would bring this quality to BU as a sociable person who is excited to meet everybody, students and professors alike, and eager to use my skills to help in any way I can.

My creativity has broadened; it is a safe blanket I now carry with me, a divine opportunity to brighten the world, as well as the BU community if I were given the chance. I always seek new ways to broaden my horizon and would surely do so in the numerous opportunities BU has to offer. My ambition gives me the drive to improve and develop everything I get involved in, to succeed in any challenge I face; my creativity provides me with ways to do so. These two forces of nature that have led many people to greatness are my way to impact Boston University positively.

Guys this had to be edited bec. I think it is too long, plz help.

twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
Ilike your approach. But you should go into an example of how you are ambitious as well. That just seems tacked on now.

I would take out the first sentence, but that's purely a personal prefrence.
For this paragraph you're awfully general. A better strategy would be to do some research and be specific about how your compassion, ambition, and creativity will contribute to BU (specific activities/organizations).
alphacat92 3 / 8  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
The girl knew she should return to her bedroom and continue sleeping ; she had been warned not to touch stray animals because of risks which she could not recall when she was facing a quivering puppy. She couldn't bring herself to close that door,to turn her back on a suffering being.

I really like the opening, it is interesting and draws the reader in. But I think it is a bit slow, try to get to the main points quicker. But I also like your approach and the essay was interesting to read. Good work!
poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
Yes, it is a bit long... Shorten the descriptions of the events you talk about, maybe you could do that by picking strong adjectives and removing some whole sentences (you have to cut, there's no other way).

Also, the conclusion is a bit unnecessarily long too. Try something short and more specific about the university you're applying to.
Generally, this essay is well-structured, has a nice flow, and its pleasant to read. Good job Mjellma :)
PS: I dont want to sound bothering, but I'd always appreciate your help in my posts :)

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