Hello, someone should please helped me review this essay. The word limit is 300-400. Any suggestion or grammar error?
Prompt; describe a figure or movement that create an inspiration within my life.
''Ise L'ogun Ise'' as my mother usually say, a yoruba language meaning ''work is an anti node for poverty''. Remembering the boundless suffering that surrounded my childhood after my father lost his job, all those countless rigors ranging from when we were sent to park out of our rented one room apartment, that we seek shelter with my father's brother in his rented apartment, until my family was able to got money to rent another cheap one room apartment, to life of countless hunger. My mother, despite she was unemployed, she still stood strong with a benevolent soul of perseverance that forms the backbone of my family.
In a bid to fend for the family she usually wakes around 4am every day, to pluck mangoes from the mango tree in front of our new rented apartment so that she could Hawk on the street of X. After the daily sells, she comes home, took her bath, dress up and head to rich people in the community home to help them with their domestic works after which she gets pay. She did that for many years until she was able to secure a place in a school where she works as a sales woman to a school food vendor. Her strength in working to support the family has always makes me to see her as a figure of hope to my family.
Growing up with such a dedicated person, I'm always Inspired every day to overcome any obstacle, the perseverance she possessed taught me the true meaning of perseverance. Apart from her daily life inspiration, her early waking has always taught me effective meaning and use of time, her strength in tackling my family's challenges have always hone my skills about challenges. All these characteristic she possessed has inspired me to succeed and shaped the me, I am today.
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Your essay has a very strong subject; your mother's perseverance and strength of will. I think this makes for a great essay, but at times, the grammar takes away from it. In the first line "say" should be "says." Try to rephrase the rest of the first paragraph. Your list of rigors is a little jumbled up in terms of wording. If you have an English teacher, it would be a good idea to go to them for help with the grammar. Otherwise you have a very good essay.
Adeyemi, use the following as the template for your revision or use it in totality if you want to :-) :
My father lost his job. That is a fact that most families deal with in today's financially strapped world. For most families, this would mean the end of the marriage of the parents and the ruin of the family unit that a child badly needs in his life. When my father lost his job, my family stayed strong and united. All because of the one figure in the family who served as our guiding light and source of strength, my father's wife, our mother.
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Vangiespen, Thanks for your helping hands. I really appreciation your help, may God bless you. Your template explain my ideas better with simplicity. Indeed it takes simplicity to learn simplicity.
Dhizzy, thanks too. I appreciate your comment and general view about my essay.
The first sentence is a run on and takes away from the beginning impact that you could potentially have. Find a way to break it up. I agree with Dhizzy about the grammar. The topic of your essay is strong, but the grammar really takes away from it. It is very hard for me to understand what you are trying to say, so the big words you're using become lost
I can understand the overall message and tone of your essay, but as other posters have said: there are a lot of grammatical errors that detract from that emotion that you're trying to convey. Maybe have a teacher proofread your essay to get all the grammatical kinks out.
Another thing I would suggest is to use a thesaurus as a way to find more vivid descriptive words to convey your message.
For example: rather than using rich, use wealthy... and so on with all the other basic examples
Best of luck!
Hello vangiespen, I just found out that this essay is over 400 words, 435words to be precise. I remodify one part and I intend deleting some parts. What are your suggestions? The modify part is in Blue font. The parts I intend deleting is in Red font. Thanks
If a father lost his job in financial strapped world, it always results to end of the marriage and ruin a family's unit that a child needs. ---> My father lost his job, that is a fact that most families deal with in today's financially strapped world. For most families, this would mean the end of the marriage of the parents and ruin of the family unit that a child badly needs in his life. When my father lost his job, my family stayed strong and united. All because of the one figure in the family who served as our guiding light and source of strength, my father's wife, our mother.
She was not a strong built woman. Most people would say that she barely had the strength to swat a fly away, sure most members of our community saw her as weak, but she proved them all wrong, when her family needed her the most, she found her inner strength to charge head long into the world of blue collar employment. Waking as early as 4 AM in order to pluck mangoes from the tree in front of our rented apartment. She would sell those on the street until she had nothing left to sell. Then she returns to the house to rest her wary body before cleaning up and venturing out again. This time to work as a help in the homes of the well to do families of the community. They paid her daily for work in their home. Everything that she earned, she set aside for the family. She kept nothing for herself because she wanted her children to continue in school, have food on the table and a place to sleep safely at night. Her perseverance paid off eventually, she got a position working as a sales person for a person who has a concession stand at a local school.
Her self sacrifice was not lost on me. I understand that she was doing everything for our family and the least I could do was make sure that she could be proud of me as a child. So, I returned the same support to her as she has given me and I fully intend to keeping doing that for as long as I can. She has inspired me to keep hoping when all seems lost. She has taught me that when my barrel turns out empty in life, I need to find another barrel to dig into until I get what I need or deserve to have in life. She has taught me how hard it is to live this life, but also shown me how much one should desire to live. regardless of the hardship one faces. She is my mother, she is my inspiration.
The revisions that you are suggesting definitely works. Don't be afraid to use the revisions that you developed for your essay. It blends well with the original and does not reduce the impact of the essay at all. Although it changes the slant a bit from personal to somewhat general in nature, the essay still works as a statement of admiration for your mother and her accomplishments in life. Review the paragraphs that you marked for revision and try to find out if there are any other parts you want to revise in those and other sections of your paper as well. Good luck with your revision :-)
Thanks vangiespen :) . You're always amazing. More strength to the hands you use in typing. ;)
