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My work experience application essay - I feel my conclusion is weak.


Bella329 2 / 4  
Jan 10, 2010   #1
This is a prompt and my response for a college application. I feel my conclusion is weak. Any thoughts/ideas? Also, if you see anything else that is worth changing let me know. Thank you!

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer)

I've worked for many companies. My favorite company, one that I hope to work for again in the future, is Lubrizol. Initially I worked in the shipping department; cleaning, labeling, and organizing barrels of product and conveying samples of product to the laboratory. Since my focus in school is chemistry and biology I would frequent the laboratory to pick the brains of the chemists and learn about the latest laboratory technology.

I worked in the shipping department for a couple months until a job as a Laboratory Assistant opened. I jumped at the opportunity and was soon working in the laboratory! Being employed at Lubrizol helped me to further formulate my future school and career goals. It also gave me the knowledge and experience I will need to accomplish those goals.
Lydia 6 / 13  
Jan 10, 2010   #2
I'm sorry but the part you said " I would frequent the laboratory to pick the brains of the chemists and learn about the latest laboratory technology did not make sense to me but in all you have a pretty good essay. keep it up.
OP Bella329 2 / 4  
Jan 10, 2010   #3
okay I will rephrase that. thank you!
hern255 13 / 48  
Jan 10, 2010   #4
I worked in the shipping department

This is repeated, it is not good.

Overall I think it is a good answer.


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