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"I work harder for me and only me" - Michigan State University


Essays1010 2 / 10  
Apr 20, 2010   #1
Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future

"Try harder!" I just kept hearing those two words to the point of weariness. How much harder could I work? How much harder could I push myself? Those two words were carved into my brain, chiseled there to stay forever. I never felt like I was good enough. Constantly getting told by my parents that I could work harder, I felt that was always constantly pushed to my limits.The only thing I could do was try to live up to their desires and try to make them happy with me.

All through my childhood, I would incessantly hear stories of my father's successes and how he was the only one out of all his siblings to graduate from college and have a well paying job. At a young age, I began to think that if I didn't try hard enough I would be a failure. Every report card that I got I would rush home excited to see my parents' faces. With that one B staring them in the face, I would just get a disapproving stare. I almost always left disappointed in myself because I wasn't "smart" enough.

Many times when I think about my childhood, I become upset and angry towards my parents; why couldn't they comment on my well comings rather then always looks at the negatives of everything? I was continually told that the only way to succeed in life was to get an education and to become a doctor. I would be successful only if I achieved these two things., but I didn't believe any of that was fair. Yes, that path can lead to financial stability in life, but is that all that matters? Isn't it important to think about how I feel about things and about my happiness rather than success?

I entered high school determined to get the highest grades possible, striving to make sure that I didn't fall behind. Every time I took a test, I could hear my parents in the back of my mind telling me to try my very hardest. My heart would beat uncontrollably when I would receive my report card, filled with excitement to see my grades. Yet, they were never good enough

It was about the end of my sophomore year that I understood that I no longer had to work hard in school to make my parents happy. I realized that I had to work in school to make myself happy - to achieve my goals in life, and not theirs.

"Try harder!"
Those two words are imprinted in my mind and will stay there forever. In my heart of hearts, I know the associations I have with those words have been indescribably altered. When I think of those two words, I no longer see my parents' disapproving faces. I see my future and what I will become.

janeypooh 4 / 15  
Apr 21, 2010   #2
All through out my childhood,I would continuously hear stories of my dad's father's successes.

Many times when I think about my child hood
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
Apr 21, 2010   #3
What did you think of it? I was asking for grammar, this is really important and has to be perfect :( please someone help
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 22, 2010   #4
"Try harder!" I was sick of hearing those two words. anymore How much harder could I work? How much harder could I push myself?

Those two words were carved into my brain, engraved there to stay forever. Good sentence!

This is a run on sentence: Constantly getting told by my parents that I could work harder.

Do this:
I never felt like I was good enough. Constantly getting told by my parents that I could work harder, I was always being pushed to my limits.

Many times when I think about my childhood , I become upset and angry towards my parents; why couldn't they comment on my well comings rather then always looks at the negatives of everything?

This is excellent!!

I have an idea for the ending:
I see my future, what I will become. I work harder for me and only me.
I think it is much more powerful without the last sentence.
This is the best sentence in the essay:
I see my future, what I will become.
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
Apr 22, 2010   #5
This is the edited version I didn't change much, the person that edited my paper said that I had too many questions, do you think that they are okay?

Please help thanks so much! everyone that is here!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 23, 2010   #6
No, I guess I think you should include questions in that first paragraph, but not in the middle paragraph.

That first paragraph ends with a sentence that suggests that your parents pushed you to transcend your limits, and it is great, but it is also a little simplistic. I think it would be good to add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph before you move on to paragraph two. Add a sentence (to the end of paragraph one) that will powerfully express the main truth of the whole essay -- the thee you want the reader to remember.

:-)
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
Apr 24, 2010   #7
Thanks so much, I was told to add more description I've been thinking but I don't know where to add this? Can you help me with that?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 25, 2010   #8
Yes, this is good advice. Read each paragraph, and ask yourself what it makes the reader see. In that first paragraph, these could be good imagery words "carved into my brain"... but they are not used in a literal way. Add a sentence to that first paragraph that will enable me to see you being told to try harder.

Add a sentence to that second paragraph that will help me to envision the room you are standing in when you got that "blank stare."

Know what I mean? Some phrases, like "the fading, floral-print wallpaper of their kitchen," can show the reader a picture to go with the story.

:-)
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
Apr 27, 2010   #9
Thanks so much! This is such a nice website :D thanks a lot
kayyao 6 / 20  
May 3, 2010   #10
I think you should consider changing your intro a bit, especially your first sentence. Although your overall point is clear and positive, saying that you're sick to try any harder clearly isn't a very optimistic attitude. Think about how your readers are gonna think about you; those are admission officers who want to know you from your essay.

It's a pretty good essay over all, I really like the part where your wrote how parents react to your report card;D very true, my parents often do the same.

Good luck on your aaplication, I wonder why you're applying so late; are yo applying for the spring semester?
rvaidyan - / 4  
May 11, 2010   #11
I liked your essay a lot. A little wordsmithing can help make your point a little better. Towards the end, you need to bring back the theme that started your essay so it all ties in together.
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
May 18, 2010   #12
Wow Rajiv thanks so much! You practically rewrote the whole thing. Thanks !
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
May 27, 2010   #13
Instead of saying doctor, say physician, and you wwill be even more impressive if you name one or two specializations that interest you... oncology? General practitioner? Dermatology? Alternative/natural medicine?

Just an idea:
In my heart of hearts, I know the associations I have with those words have changed with the enhancement of my perspective.
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
May 29, 2010   #14
Where would I add these specializations that interest me In the essay ? I can't seem to find a place where they fit?
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
May 29, 2010   #15
The opening is misleading because it suggests you will narrate an event, when you are actually just reflecting generally. The two rhetorical questions serve no purpose. The metaphor about carving the words into your brain is not only sketchy (pun intended), but it is also increasingly redundant. "I never felt..." should be revised (perhaps to I never felt as I was good enough). Now you run into some problems with sentence structure. It is poor practice to begin a sentence in such fashion, where the introductory clause serves no special purpose and is not causally related to the point you are trying to make. While we are on that, "always constantly" is a surefire mistake, and the essay is disintegrating rapidly with your repeated use of cliches that are vapid and unvaried .

This paper needs serious work, since there are dozens of errors.
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
May 31, 2010   #16
Ah everyone liked my essay :( I guess it needs serious work. Is there anyway that you could help me Mustafa, please this is my college application. Maybe edit it for me if you have time :/

Or is it so bad you can't even edit it :(
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
May 31, 2010   #17
This paper needs serious work, since there are dozens of errors.

In the time it takes you to say that, you could show her how to correct one of the errors.

Where would I add these specializations that interest me In the essay ?

Well, I am not sure if you even want to enter the field of medicine? you make it sound as though that is your parents' idea, but I am not sure if you have made a decision about what YOU want. You can be a physician, and you can also do other things. You can practice any kind of medicine that appeals to you, working with kids, senior citizens, minority groups, families... mental health or physical health, acupuncture, ayurveda, physical therapy, or dentistry... make a plan, and know that you can change it at any time. But make that plan and follow it along...

Tell the reader about the plan you have come up with, and that will add great MEANING to the essay.
OP Essays1010 2 / 10  
May 31, 2010   #18
I want to talk about that, I just don't know where it fits in the essay because the essay focuses mainly on my parents, but I will try. Thanks.
Cruud 1 / 3  
May 31, 2010   #19
I like this essay, it is well written but could be improved. The second part of the question isn't addressed as much as it should be. I'm still unclear on what your plans for the future are.


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