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Working with me - Common App - Someone who had a significant influence on you


mothaeffa 1 / 1  
Oct 11, 2009   #1
Any suggestions to make the essay flow more are appreciated!
I think the essay is too jumpy..

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Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
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"It's just not happening." Just like that, after all the hours of rehearsal, all the sweat, the pain, the frustration, even after all the push-ups! He had the nerve to tell me that "it just wasn't happening." I knew it was true-- and it was the fact that it "wasn't happening" that drove me to make it happen. He was the drum line instructor, Mike, and he instilled within me all the values that allowed me to "make it happen".

Early, on just the third day of summer, drum line camp was already heading downhill. Mike never started the "Oh, don't worry, you'll get it next time"; the patronizing; the lying. He always gave it to us straight; no matter how we were playing, he made sure we knew it. He treated us as life would; he delivered the truth, no matter how harsh or pleasing, to us as it was. His "tell it like it is" manner of communicating braced me for all the upcoming challenges and future adversity I would face. I've grown to realize that not everything is picture perfect and that, in fact, what you see is what you get. However, if you work hard enough towards a goal, it can be reached.

Mike's policy was simple: control what you can and you will get to where you want to be. Through the six years that he has been my teacher, his philosophy has become mine. Due to the strong family-like traits of a drum line (reword-- stylistics), each of the members heavily depends on one another; a drum line is only as strong as its weakest player. Thus, every single individual must fulfill every one of his or her responsibilities in order for the group to succeed. From this, I have learned that being responsible not only benefits me, but also everyone else that depends on me. Over the years, I've come to realize my own policy- anything that needs to be done should be done with no questions and no complaints.

The high standards that he has always held me to have become my own expectations for myself. When Mike first began working with me, I hadn't fully grasped my own potential, thus I didn't set the bar very high for myself. But as I spent more time with Mike, I began to recognize my own potential, raised the bar, and worked even harder to meet those standards. During my senior year, the drum line made great leaps and bounds in progress that hadn't even been attempted at before. We easily surpassed the previous year's drum line, development wise, in half the time. I knew that this was a result of our hard work and dedication, but I didn't know what I was to do next. What would we do after we reached our goal? Be satisfied? Quit? Mike showed me that the answer was to keep moving forward, to set a new goal- a goal that would take us further and further towards perfection. I have applied this, the idea of striving for perfection, to all aspects of my life.

Mike has taught me not only how to be a better drummer, but infused me with the skills and ability to make it happen.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 11, 2009   #2
Very nicely done. it is clear, and to the point, and wastes no words that are unnecessary.

I have a very nice clear picture of you.
Vulpix - / 71  
Oct 11, 2009   #3
I agree. Your essay is smoothly written and engaging- it's about your drum instructor, but it's really about you and your dedication as well.

The only thing I would change is the very last line, which seems redundant and unnecessary to me. I understand the need to wrap things up, so to speak, but this isn't an essay for English class- you don't need to restate your thesis. I think "I have applied this, the idea of striving for perfection, to all aspects of my life" is a strong enough ending as it is.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 11, 2009   #4
Not bad. A couple of minor things:

and it was the fact that it "wasn't happening" that drove me to make it happen

Make what happen? It sounds like you were rehearsing for a specific spot or event, but you never identify what.

"he delivered the truth, no matter how harsh or pleasing, to us as it was ."

I've grown to realize that not everything is picture perfect and that, in fact, what you see is what you get. However, if you work hard enough towards a goal, it can be reached.

That's quite a heap of cliches you've got going there.
OP mothaeffa 1 / 1  
Oct 12, 2009   #5
I intended for "Making it happen." to be a general statement similar to "having things going well for you," but I can see how it's confusing. I'll try to clear that up.

Sean,
I'm assuming a heap of cliches is bad? :( lol

Thanks for all the help,
David
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 12, 2009   #6
I'm assuming a heap of cliches is bad?

You assume correctly. Try expressing the same sentiments in a more original way. Or just cut it.
trung2012 1 / 3  
Oct 12, 2009   #7
"The high standards that he has always held me to have become my own expectations for myself. "
Is this a sentence structure error ? It 's not a full sentence I think =)
You should omit "to" . :D


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