I have a month left to submit and I want it to be perfect!! I really want to get into FIT, help me out? What could be better??
On the 18th of March 2013, I hugged my family and friends goodbye. I remember the tears in my mothers eyes very well. My flight to New York left at 5.50pm and the moment I stepped across the customs my whole body and mind knew I was doing the right thing.
I was 19 years old at the time I moved to New York for eight months. This would be the first time living outside of the Netherlands for a longer period of time. I didn't feel scared or nervous at all, I've always been adventurous and a risk taker. When I was 16 years old I felt that high school was not the right decision for me so I stopped in my fourth year and started a post secondary study at a fashion tailoring academic, that's when I knew this is the field where I am gonna be in, it was the best decision I've ever made.
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Claudia, I'd be more than happy to help you out with your FIT application essay. There is just one problem. You uploaded the essay but did not tell us what application prompt you are trying to answer. We really can't help you with a review of the content of your essay if we do not know what you are expected to answer. Tell us what the prompt is so that we can provide you with a complete and accurate review of your essay. As of now, I can tell that you have written a general personal statement that talks about where you come from, what your experiences are, and your hopes and dreams for your future. Those are all good information to have in your essay. I am just not sure if this is the information that the FIT admissions officer will be looking upon in a positive light. I will be able to better judge the requirements of the essay once you direct me towards it using the essay prompt :-) We've got a month to whip your essay into shape, let's get started :-)
with a complete and accurate review of your essay. As of now, I can tell that you have written a general personal statement that talks about where you come f
Thank you for your great positive attitude to help me!!
Ofcourse, Im sorry!
So the requirements of the essay are this (copy/paste): What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? We'd like you to tell us in an essay. This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)
Since a lot of applicants use the 'when I was a young girl I already loved fashion story' I wanted to highlight my connection in fashion in a different way.
I also wanted to know if my sentence build is correct since I am foreign.. Is this essay showing that I really want to get accepted to FIT? Do you think they will view it positively or is the essay too cocky?
Once again thank you a lot for your positive attitude!!!
Claudia, don't open with the statement about flying to New York. Go back further back to your first internship. Discuss how you developed your love of fashion from there, working your way through your other internships and lessons learned until you decided to come to New York. That will make the essay adhere to the prompt but present a different sense of how your passion for fashion developed. When you cut to New York, immediately state that you went there for an 8 month internship. Then discuss what you learned and how FIT slowly came to your knowledge through this exposure to the fashion world. Close the essay by explaining how you feel like FIT is the perfect place for you to learn about fashion because of your international experience in the fashion world and the ability of FIT to enhance the talents and skills of foreign fashiion designers or things to that effect.
The admissions officers have no desire to learn about your apartment, how you came to America, or any other personal details this is a qualifications essay so just present the information required. Remember that in any essay that you write, you can never go wrong by presenting only information that is asked for. You can do harm to your application if you present too much non-required information though :-)
I edited my essay, hope this will be better!
My parents and I just finished talking, they looked extremely sad and dissapointed.. I remember those faces extremely well, it's my motivation in times I feel like I want to give up.
That day I told them I want to quit high school and attend the fashion design school in a city an hour away. Of course they didn't agree with that because it was my second last year before graduating. I knew that this was the best decision, and 5 years later it definitely was the best decision that I've made.
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The essay has definitely improved but it still needs a lot of work. There are quite a number of loopholes that need to be plugged before this essay is even ready for final editing. I hope you can stick with me as we clean it up :-)
My parents and I just finished talking, they looked extremely sad and dissapointed.. I remember those faces extremely well, it's my motivation in times I feel like I want to give up.
That day I told them I want to quit high school and attend the fashion design school in a city an hour away. Of course they didn't agree with that because it was my second last year before graduating. I knew that this was the best decision, and 5 years later it definitely was the best decision that I've made.
- This opening paragraph would have been more effective if you had developed a sentence or two referring to your interest in fashion from an early age. Remember, you are supposed to present the foundation of your interest in fashion. That is clearly lacking in your essay.I absolutely learned a lot about the garment industry
- Such as? Be specific. Mix your academic qualifications with your internships and extra curricular. You need to show how you fit into the FIT educational system.It was a four year program with an internship every year. I absolutely learned a lot about the garment industry and did some great internships at dutch designers like Marcha Hüskes. When I interned for Marcha Hüskes we went to Paris for Paris Fashion Week and learned a lot about the international buying business since we were there to sell the collection at a trade show.
- What were your duties in relation to the major you are applying to? Double check your paragraph for capitalization errors (dutch instead of Dutch)In my second year I participated a national fashion design competition called MAFB and with the two collections with each eight outfits I won the second place of this competition which definitely motivated me to push myself to work harder and be better.
The comfort zone is definitely not where I want to be and so I decided to pack my bags and do an eight month internship at Rebecca Minkoff in New York City.
- Clarify the beginning of this paragraph. Who owned the two collections you speak of? Did you photograph it? How did you win the internship in New York? These are all qualifications that can be considered during your screening process.18 March 2013 was the day I hugged my family goodbye and when my New York adventure started. After a week of exploring the city, getting adjusted in my super small 'shoebox' apartment, I was ready to start my internship at Rebecca Minkoff.
- Let me remind you for the second time not to waste your word count on irrelevant information such as when you arrived in New York and the size of your apartment. The admissions officer has no interest in this. Rephrase the paragraph to include the date you arrived in New York and then go directly to a description of the internship.I told Christy how I felt about working for Rebecca Minkoff and immediately she called the studio manager to set up the paperwork for me.
Working for Christy was great, I assisted a lot of photoshoots and she teached me a lot about the fashion industry. I worked on photoshoots for Elle Magazine, Lane Bryant, Condé Nast and many more.. The highlight of the Internship was assisting a photoshoot for Vogue with Lena Dunham on the cover and Annie Leibovitz as the photographer.
- What impressed Christy about you so much that she stole you away from your then current internship? This is too vague and only name drops celebrities, which does not impress anybody in this case. You are trying to sell your talents, skills, and leadership abilities, I have yet to see any references to that throughout the essay.Also I do have strong leadership skill, I am good in communicating and have a great positive mindset which helped me to achieve a lot at a young age. I feel that FIT represents all of that and that's why the FIT will be perfect for me.
- There is no evidence of this leadership skill in relation to your chosen major in this essay. When you make a claim, back it up with evidence. Show a leadership side to you in one of the many paragraphs and activities that you have presented.Ok, I'm going to try and set up a new essay again, the word limit is 750 and the last essay is 535 words so I felt I should make to more of a story kind of essay and also some of the requirements are: 'This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments.' so I feel namedropping the magazines Ive worked with would work in a benefit for me, right?
Name dropping will work only if you think these people will actually remember who you are in case FIT decides to call these people to verify the claims in your essay. If you are confident that these people will back your application up, then go ahead. You also need to inform these people beforehand that you used them as a reference in your essay just in case they are contacted. In such cases, I strongly advise that you double check the information you placed regarding your work relationship with these people and magazines and ensure that you are telling only the 100% absolute truth because any false claims (and I am not saying you are making any) in your paper will not only be detrimental, but anathema to your application. False information in a college application will be an outright denial and blacklisting of your name as a future re-applicant. I am not privy as to whether FIT double checks the information you present to them when name dropping specific people and magazines but I really believe you should be cautious about using these names and magazines in case your work with them was not as memorable as you believed it to be. Also, be more respectful of these professional designers and photographers, address them as Ms. (last name) and not so casually by their first name.
Activities and accomplishments as required in this essay include only academic and hands-on or internship experience. That does not include sightseeing in New York and how you set up your apartment. That is not relevant to your application unless you are an interior design school applicant which you are not. So skip any reference to such topics in your essay.
Writing it as a story is okay provided you provide all the required answers to their questions. I am trying to help you do just that :-) You still have room in your word count to only add relevant information and expand upon it, but also to delete unnecessary information for the betterment of your essay.
I asked my old boss at the christy rilling studio to help me also write my essay and I made up this new essay, I hope this improved!
I could see the disappointment in their eyes.
I told my parents I wanted to quit high school and attend the fashion design school in a city an hour away. They instantly said, "No", as I was only two years away from graduating. In my heart, I felt that this was the best decision for me.
I enrolled in a four-year program with a new internship opportunity every year, learning a great deal about the garment industry. At Marcha Hüskes, I had the opportunity to go to Paris Fashion Week where I received a first-hand experience on the international merchandising industry as we were in Paris to sell the collection at a trade show. I was also fortunate enough to participate in a national fashion design competition, MAFB, showing two collections (eight looks each) and was thrilled to learn I won the second prize. The same year I was named "Pearl of the school" at my school -a yearly reward to the most outstanding student. Each year I find myself pushing myself harder-to be better. For this reason I wanted to get out of my comfort zone and move to New York City.
18 March 2013, I hugged my family goodbye and said hello to my New York City adventure. After exploring the city and getting adjusted, I was ready to start my internship at Rebecca Minkoff. In the three months there, I observed what it takes to be a fashion designer at a large company and after a few experiences in the office, I realised this environment was not where I wanted to be.
During the 2013 Met Gala, I worked with a friend assisting Christy Rilling. I expressed my feelings about my internship at Rebecca Minkoff and Christy immediately opened her studio doors inviting me to finish my internship at her company. Working with Christy Rilling Studio was a dream experience. I assisted tailors on photo shoots (Elle, Lane Bryant, Condé Nast, and more) and learned about the ins and outs of the fashion industry on a very hands-on level. Sourcing fabrics for clients, pattern making, draping and organising invoicing receipts. The most rewarding experience was working alongside Christy on Lena Dunham's first Vogue cover, shot by Annie Leibovitz.
Working for a few different design companies made me realize that fashion, at its core, a business. I am confident in my fashion design background but know that the business aspect of this industry is where I need to focus and were my interest lies. I would love to be part of the Merchandising Management program at FIT as the website describes it as "a challenging and rewarding career that combines creative skills and analytical thinking." I would love to flex my analytical muscles and discover all aspects of this side of the fashion industry. I believe my strong leadership and communication skills will be a positive addition to FIT's program.
..Five years later, with their initial reluctant support, transitioning into fashion is the best decision my family and I have made.
Now this is the essay that perfectly sums up the requirements of the prompt. You have done a complete turn around with this essay. It comes across as more honest and heartfelt. We get to know what really went on in your world as you developed your interest and skills in fashion and marketing. You now longer sound like you are trying to brag and get into the school by name dropping people as possible work and character references. As far as I am concerned, you can now use this essay for your FIT application. Good luck with your application :-)
Thanks a lot for your time and energy! Very Appreciated!
-Claudia
