Essay Topic: Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
The experience of working for my family's company inspired me to study architecture. After years of successful operations, my family's General Contracting company faced an overpowering obstacle during the early part of 2008. The effects of the financial crisis trickled down to the construction industry and therefore our business was severely impacted. Business slowed down and soon funds were to scarce to even afford clerical employees. I had been very involved with the business during summers and other vacation periods and therefore I offered my time and dedication to help it survive through the tough times. After all, my family had worked very hard to get it off the ground and it was now my turn to show my dad that he was not alone. I became responsible for managing the entire office; the fate of the company was in my hands.
To see the troubled look on my dad and uncle's faces everyday was overwhelming. Yet, it gave me that push to work even harder. My dad would always tell me I could never understand how much he appreciated my help. In reality maybe I do not understand, but I was not helping him for the recognition. I just had a feeling inside of me and I knew that helping in the business was something I had to do. Although there were times when it was difficult to handle all the challenges, the skills that I acquired through leadership activities such as Student Government, came to my rescue. Time management and execution of school projects were experiences that I could relate to in order to plan and implement strategies necessary for the business' operations. I had to learn the full bookkeeping system, including reconciling accounts, paying bills and collecting account receivables. The bank balance was low and there were folders full of bills to pay. Was I really cut out for this? As time passed I learned to overcome my fears and insecurities. I now have a feeling of satisfaction to know that I was instrumental in helping my family. I realized that family is really all you have in life. Even when you hit rock bottom they will always be there to get you back on your feet.
The time I spent working at the office surprisingly turned out to have a positive outcome both for my family and for myself. Unaware at the time, I was surrounding my self with the things I most enjoy. I was fascinated by the construction plans and from time to time I was able to visit the job sites to observe how the plans became standing structures full of design and function. I was amazed to see the process of building from scratch and to understand the intricacy of the structures. For example, it was mesmerizing to see how in building a screen enclosure, each screw and bolt played its part in the formation. I understood this would be the best resource to apply my love for art in a more technical way. Not only will I be studying something I enjoy but in addition I know it will contribute to the future of my family's company. It will all pay off when I once again can assist my family's business to flourish. I would want noting more than the opportunity to be a part of the University of Florida's architecture program.
Dear moderator,
Could you please help me revise my essay. Any advice will be helpfull. Did I stay on topic? What do you think about it?
Good morning :)
Mechanically, I do have a few suggestions. First, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words in sentences. If the word does not fall into either one of those categories, it should not be capitalized. For instance, "General Contracting" shouldn't be capitalized.
Second, make sure that you stay in the same tense throughout the piece. For instance, you are mainly writing in past tense, so try to stay that way. "Do" should be "did," for instance.
Lastly, avoid the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing as it is inappropriate. Try using "one" or "I" instead.
In regards to content, you have a good experience explained in great detail, but you need to make sure that you link the experience how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. Make sure you address each part of their prompt in your response.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
