I started writing this essay some few minutes ago and this is what I've got so far. Proof reading, reviews and feed backs on it would be appreciated. Thanks in advance xD.
During the summer 2011, I worked as full-time assistant at my father's real estate office. Waking up at 6:00 am and thinking about all the paper-works I will have to sort through during my day at the office was more fulfilling than spending the day at the beach with some friends. Not only was I able to get more acquainted and build some friendships with the workers, but I also learned lots from my various visits to the Court house and sitting through some tenancy court hearings.
However I tried a different approach towards spending my summer 2012. During my first summer week, I devoted on focusing more on getting my body into good shape, building up and organizing my work out routine, not that I have not always done that, but this time I had so much fun doing that. During the consequent weeks, my siblings and I met up with our cousins. Due to the fact that it was our first time seeing them since they relocated to Nigeria, we stayed for some weeks and had some memorable time catching up on the various events happening in our respective lives. I also had some alone time to catch up on reading some British historical novels, which by the way was the highlight of my summer 2012.
I read your parapraph. I think it is good... However, i did not understand one sentence " we stayed for some weeks "... if you can search on the google, i do not find this sentences... I think you can write... ex: we stay in Seattle for 2 weeks...
thats good but you should be focused more on one thing which you did rather than wandering about .... i mean focus on one and elobrate it in detail. That would be more impressive otherwise it's okay... hope it helps ( forgive if question is different to what i am considering as you have not yet mentioned it)
Hey Yavuz thanks for pointing that out. I think I need to reword that ----> Due to the fact that it was our first time seeing them since they relocated to Nigeria, we spent some weeks at their house...
Bhimesh thanks for suggestion but focusing on one thing wouldn't be appropriate. The prompt is as follows:
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.
I believe you have to focus a little bit on the introduction of your essay. For example, a highly selective university, like Princeton, would love to see an introductory sentence that would impress them, immerse them within the substance of your essay. So impress them, it is clear from your writing that you CAN and WILL impress the admission officers.
Hope I helped :)
Hey Lilly. I'll work on the introductory sentence. Are there any other areas I need to work on?
Thanks and yes you sure did help xD.