As a child, I was always the little girl who would play by herself in the sandbox, wanting someone to play with, yet never knowing quite how to express it. This silence followed me throughout my latter years, deeming me as the quiet girl in class. Although I was much more, that was all people ever acknowledged about me. I saw everyone around me easily making friends, and I often wondered why I couldn't do the same, why wouldn't I let myself open up and show them the true me, what was I so scared of? Usually once people realized that I was shy they didn't really bother to make friends with me, I faded into the background of the class, almost becoming nonexistent, at times my teachers would think I wasn't there when I was.
This all changed one day, a cal works job workshop letter came in the mail, knowing that I would have nothing to do for the summer I signed up, I thought I would just be earning money, I never realized I would be personally changed forever. I received a position to be a teacher's assistant at Hawkins Thompson child development center, the day before as I was thinking about it I realized I didn't even really want the money, I was hoping that by being forced to be around a lot of people I would come out of my shyness, if only a little bit. Working with the kids was like a healing, being around them made me realize that me could be the confident person I always wanted, the girl who would walk outside and be ready to take on the world instead of hiding from it. One of the things I think really helped me was that nearly every day when I'd walk in they'd come up screaming teacher and hugging, it made me feel that they were actually glad to see me and ive never really had that before. They actually took an interest in me, made me feel like I was worth something. They made me feel that I was actually a part of their life, and they were actually a part of, they accepted me no questions asked
I always thought that if I showed people who I really was that I wouldn't be accepted by them, years of being picked on by family had taught me to isolate myself but I realized something as I was working with them while not letting people can save you from pain, you'll never let anyone make you happy smile, never let anyone show you the joys of being alive, being a person. I realized that people are going to judge you, so you might as well show them who you really are, for the first time in my life I was actually able to do that
The following school year I went to school and for the first time in a long time I felt like me, not the person that I was struggling to become. For once I wasn't the quiet girl in class, I actually let people get to see who I actually was and some of the things I was capable of. It might have token a bunch of little kids to bring me to my senses but I'm glad they did.
its kinda long i know, but im always longwinded anyways, its not really organized and that was one of the things i was having trouble with.
any feedback, suggestions, or ideas would be greatly appreciated. :)