Hey, guys. This is the topic of the Kenyon supplement essay:
Describe an experience when you worked in partnership with others to achieve something you could not have done alone.
And below is my essay. Please feel free to say anything about it. I'd really appreciate your help.
The air was freezing. After glancing at the whole auditorium, which was filled with more than 200 teachers and students, my hands sweated worse.
Here came the most exciting round of the debate-the free debate. In this round, leading roles are the second and the third debater whose job was to lauch intense bombardment on our opponents. At first, things went pretty well. But a few minutes later, my teammate sitting next to me was attacked by our opponents for she had an obvious loophole in her previous statement. She got a little agitated and wanted to fight back. Being the captain of the school debate team, I was supposed to control the situation when my teammates got unstable. So I gently patted her on shoulder, telling her not to panic but calm down. She was appeased. Then I stood up to help defend her point and counteract my opponent. In fact, that was what I and the fouth debater did in this round--to complement our arguments and make them water-tight with the statistics, examples that we had been collecting for weeks. Since our speed and tone of speaking varied, our speeches sounded perfectly cadent.
20 minutes slipped away fast. Luckily, our opponents used up their time before us, and we got one more minute to keep delivering our speeches. Each of my teammates made the final statement in order, then it was my turn. Only six seconds left. I grabbed the microphone and uttered a few resounding words "So internet addiction is an individual issue rather than a social issue."to restate our position and perfect our performance. The alarm of the countdown rhymed with the end of my voice. I sat down and lost breath. As astounding as it was, the audience bursted into applause.
We finally won the competition. Although I was not the "main force" of the team, our division of labor and cooperation helped me realize my own value. I learned that you don't necessarily need to be the main force in a team. Leading the team and controling the situations can also attribute to your group.
subject is good but i think you should reread it and revise the narration errors that seem to be off to you...
I can give you few examples that caught my eye:
The air was freezing. After glancing at the whole auditorium, which was filled with more than 200 teachers and students, my hands sweated worse.
I think in here, you should mention about the fact that you are in a debating competition because there is a gap between this sentence and second paragraph. You jump so fast to describing debating rounds.
to panic but calm down. She was appeased. Then I
In here, as far as i understand you wanted to keep your sentences short and focused but "She was appeased" is a weird way to say it,
"So internet addiction is an individual issue rather than a social issue."to restate our position and perfect our performance.
I got what you meant here but after few reads - i couldnt decide if you are trying to point out that it was a great argumant or a repetitive weak one-, Maybe you could write it as: Only six seconds left. I grabbed the microphone and uttered a few cliched, repetitve?? -use an adjective to define the value of you sentence clearly- words in order to restate our position and perfect our performance: "So internet addiction is an individual issue rather than a social issue."
these are the few points i could think of reading it for the first time, There can be grammatical errors that i cant fix,check it.
Just like in debate, take out unnecessary, distracting details:
But a few minutes later, my teammate sitting next to me was attacked by our opponents for she had an obvious loophole in her previous statement.
If it starts a sentence, write the word instead of the number:
20 Twenty minutes slipped away fast. Luckily, our opponents used up their time before us, and we got ...
Capitalize: internet Internet addiction is an individual issue rather than a social issue, " to To restate our position and perfect our performance.
I learned that you don't necessarily need to be the main force in a team. Leading the team and controling the situations can also attribute to your group.---I don't think the essay shows this. The essay shows that you were a good leader and that you have great experience with debate. I think you should revise this so that the whole story is used as evidence to support an assertion about why you are ready to be a top performer in your chosen field.
My idea for you:
End the first paragraph with a statement about how you are well-prepared to enter the field of XXXX, because your debate experience gave you insight into leadership.
Then, the essay will show how well you can manage a debate situation, and you can make connections to your chosen career.
Then, in the conclusion, just like in debate, restate your position: I recognize my talents for debate and leadership, and these talents are especially important in my chosen field where I will have to _____________.
