hi again! Well here's my #1 UC Essay...I don't really like it but considering I don't much time I have I guess it'll have to do, so any suggestions are all the more welcome.
PS: It's not really finished so ignore the fact that it's too short...unless you have any suggestions on what I should add as I'm kind out braindead at this point
"We're entering the World Affairs Challenge!" announced my teacher gleefully to a class of 30 blank faces. Undeterred, my teacher continued, "The World Affairs Challenge is a competition in which students research a specific global issue and present its solution in a creative form to a team of judges. This years issue is global energy."
And so it began. Split into groups of six, my sophomore world history class relentlessly prepared for three months. As a team, we read the newspapers, watched the news, and were regulars at the library. We learned about Brazil's depleting Amazon and it's essential "carbon sink," India's rolling blackouts, and the worlds melting ice caps. We discussed the availability and efficiency of solar, wind, geothermal, and hydroelectric power. We conducted fierce debates in which no one's opinion went unchallenged or unappreciated. As the six of us began to write a script, we repeated almost the same process. Again we compiled our information, debated over creative concepts, delegated prop and costume production, and set rehearsal times. Finally, with our costumes on, lines memorized, and knees shaking, we ready. We performed our skit, once, twice, three times. Relieved, we cleaned up our set waited for our scores.
"And it's a tie for the Best Overall Team! Mercy High School and---" the speakers voice was drowned out by our triumphant screams of glee. I know, not very modest, but what can I say? We were excited. And amidst pattings on the back, appreciative feet stomping, cameras flashing, (I'm not joking) and the continuing screams of our fellow Mercy girls, the six of us stumbled onto stage and were handed the first place prize--- a Nuevo Latino CD. Weird right? But, we were ecstatic nonetheless.
This project is probably the most comprehensive, in-depth, and difficult academic endeavor I have encountered. Needless to say, it has had a tremendous impact on the way I have conducted my studies and my life afterwards. My grades, no matter how good, do not adequately illustrate the way I learned to painstakingly peruse information and steadily discern what to copy down onto my notes. My academic achievements do not reveal that when I now come across an unknown word, whether it be in Othello or in a Newsweek article, I look it up. My honor role status cannot communicate how I never hesitate to ask a question, whether I am in Biology class requesting a recap on the tertiary structure of proteins or in a debate with one my friends on the conflicting messages in the Biblical tale of Sodom and Gomorrah. Every week I still judiciously read Newsweek, the SF Chronicle, and Rolling Stone. And with the help of Tivo, I regularly manage to catch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Countdown with Keith Olberman, and Real Time with Bill Maher.
Through this project I discovered the importance of diligence, thoroughness and political awareness. I have acquired the arts of debate and cooperation, of researching and editing, and of confidence. Needless to say, I still have that CD.
You've written an interesting, involving essay that provides insight into your character, achievements and goals. Well done! It seems to be long enough; it makes your point very well as it is, so unless it's short of the word count requirements, I'd leave it alone.
I'll be happy to proof it for you. Some of what I find may just be typos, so bear with me!
"...announced my teacher gleefully to a class of 30 blank faces."
Spell out "thirty."
"This years issue is global energy."
Needs a comma in "years" for the possessive form.
"We learned about Brazil's depleting Amazon and it's essential "carbon sink," India's rolling blackouts, and the worlds melting ice caps."
This could be improved by adding "the" between "depleting" and "Amazon" and specifying whether you're referring to the Amazon rain forest, the Amazon basin, the Amazon river--whichever. "Amazon" by itself is a little general. Also, "worlds" needs an apostrophe.
"Finally, with our costumes on, lines memorized, and knees shaking, we ready."
Oops--left out "were" between "we" and "ready."
"And amidst pattings on the back, appreciative feet stomping, cameras flashing, (I'm not joking) and the continuing screams of our fellow Mercy girls, the six of us stumbled onto stage and were handed the first place prize--- a Nuevo Latino CD. Weird right? But, we were ecstatic nonetheless."
"(I'm not joking)" is probably unnecessary. We know you're serious! Ditto "Weird right?" Nothing weird about it; it would be weird if you weren't excited. Maybe you could change the last sentence to "We were ecstatic."
"My academic achievements do not reveal that when I now come across an unknown word, whether it be in Othello or in a Newsweek article, I look it up."
"Othello" and "Newsweek" should be italicized, since they are titles of complete literary works. I realize you may have done this in the original and it just doesn't show in this format. Ditto all the subsequent referrals to magazines and TV shows.
That's it! An excellent essay--you should be proud! It sounds like any university would be lucky to have you.
Thanks for your help! I revised it and would love for you to look over again...so here it is:
// The final version deleted by Moderator //
That was quick work! And you're getting closer to perfection. Here's what I see this time:
"And it's a tie for the Best Overall Team! Mercy High School and---" the speakers voice was drowned out by our triumphant screams of glee.
I think you need a new sentence after the quote. Also, "speaker's" needs an apostrophe.
"Academically, I have since strived to achieve the same level of preparedness, organization, and diligence I achieved in the World Affair Challenge."
Is "Affair" supposed to be plural? You might want to check that throughout the essay.
"No, I am not that abrasively annoying kid that always makes sure the teacher remembers to collect the homework, but I do, as cliché as it is, try my best."
The phrase is actually "clichéd as it is." A typo, no doubt!
"Personally, the World Affair Challenged has instilled within me an undeniable sense of personal responsibility and an unquenchable desire to remain politically involved."
I don't think you really need the "Personally," especially since you use the word "personal" later in the sentence, but that's up to you. I think you probably didn't mean to put the "d" in "Chanllenged." And "instilled in me" might be better than "instilled within me."
I like the additions you made. Good job!
And now for the other essay:
"But as the year went on, I became utterly miserable as my awful time management skills finally caught with me; I no longer ate dinner with my family or read for fun, my weekends became devoted to sleeping, my lunches to extra studying, and the only times I would see friends was during practice or school."
"Time-management" needs a hyphen. A colon rather than a semi-colon is needed after "caught up with me" (BTW, you forgot the "up"), since the rest is really a complete sentence that describes the first part of the thought.
"Unfortunately it did not, and I received my first C."
The referral to the dropping of AP English as a helpful measure is a little muddy. Maybe something like: "Unfortunately, it didn't help, and . . . " You may have a better idea.
"But as much as that C is a blemish on my academic record, it is moreover a reminder of a lesson I will never forget: time management is key for a balanced life."
I don't think you need "moreover." Maybe ". . . it stands as a reminder of a lesson . . . " Again, hypenate "time-management." BTW, I totally agree: we all need to realize the importance of balance!
"But, I have also joined the clubs Amnesty International and Green Team and began volunteering every week for an hour at a soup kitchen."
You don't need a comma after "But." "Began" needs to be "begun" to match the tense of the first part of the sentence.
"I sincerely hope that I may apply this new resolve to not only be a good student but one with good time management skills at a University of California."
You know--the hypen thing.
I admire the way you came to grips with your problem of over-extending yourself. Many adults never realize they need to do that, and are mega-stressed as a result.
Another great essay!