As I began typing this response, my epileptic brother suffered from four consecutive fits. Watching his body twist and turn in discomfort and not being able to alleviate his pain, struck me like lightning. In that moment, I knew what mattered to me the most; his well-being. I no longer remember the perfectly crafted response I had in mind to impress the admission officers into offering me a place of study. My world revolves around my little brother; feeling his needs for him and satisfying them has been a part of my life for the past fifteen years. I have seen the anguish in his eyes during the fits when he lacerates his tongue so badly that he cannot eat for days. I can see blood dripping from his ear right now due to the intensity of the last fit.
Could anyone please read this opening paragraph and let me know if I should continue with this topic or choose something more global. Any help will be appreciated and reciprocated. Cheers :)
I think this one is great enough~~!! I can feel your strong care for your brother! So, I think the admission officer may also be touched by this article~keep writing!!
Thank you :) I'm reading yours now.
I think this is a very compelling topic. Talking about your epileptic brother and how much you care for him should strike a chord within even the most heartless of people. I think you've begun the essay in a good way- the opening paragraph makes an impression. Only one thing:
- Watching his body twist and turn in discomfort and not being able to alleviate his pain, struck me like lightning.
You might want to elaborate on the emotion that struck you like lightning, add a bit to explain how you felt.
This is a great start to a personal response. I hope you get accepted to Stanford, you're totally Stanford material.
Oh, and this is kind of embarrassing, but... I'm new here, and I would greatly appreciate it if you could look over an AP Lang essay that I recently posted. It would be great to get some feedback from a great writer.
Thank you so much for your opinion, I will certainly try to elaborate on that point.
I'm on your essay now :)
"struck me like lightning"
I felt that that was a bit awkward, maybe if you could elaborate on your emotions at that time? This sounded like you were simply surprised, maybe instead of a simile, use synesthesia to explain your emotions. Other than that, this was a really powerful essay, I look forward to reading the rest!
I have revised the opening. Can you please read the rest and tell me if it is good enough? It is really hard for me to express my feelings in just two paragraphs, please help me make it for forceful.
As I began typing this response, my epileptic brother suffered from four consecutive fits. Watching his body twist and turn in discomfort and not being able to alleviate his pain extracts the color out of my life. In that moment of helplessness I know what matters to me the most: his well-being. I no longer remember the perfectly crafted response I had in mind to impress the admission officers into offering me a place of study. My world revolves around my little brother, feeling his needs for him and satisfying them has been a part of my life for the past fifteen years. I have seen the anguish in his eyes during the fits when he lacerates his tongue so badly that he cannot eat for days. I can see blood dripping from his ear right now due to the intensity of the last fit.
I still remember my eagerness to welcome the newest member of our family. I had hoped that he would captivate me with his laughter and the first steps but irritate me with his demands to eat more candy and watch cartoons when I wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. His laughter illuminates my world but I am still waiting for the day he would destroy my makeup or spill water on an assignment due in the morning. Every day I see his age fellows in their middle school uniforms talking about the latest gadgets they found at the shopping mall, the girls they like and a vast array of other topics of interest. Looking at them, I think about how different my life would have been if my brother were an ordinary child. There would be no reason for my motherly attachment to him. Nobody would dare pity him. Everyone would understand that it hurts us when somebody laughs at him or looks down at him as if he is some peculiar object. His life and his well-being are the most important aspects of my life and I wish to be a part of a community where nobody would stare at him when he accompanies me at my graduation.
This is great! It's a very powerful piece- the language is strong, and I can't see any problems with mechanics/usage/grammar. However, the ending is a bit abrupt, and I feel like there should be more. Perhaps you could add a bit about how you hope to change that in the future, or an allusion to what you hope the future might hold, in regards to your wishes of acceptance for your brother. If you've already reached the word limit, don't worry about it- your essay is pretty awesome as-is. If you haven't reached the limit, try adding a bit more. This was really nice to read, definitely one of the better application letters I've read.
I can hardly add another sentence given the word limit. Would you or anybody else recommend eliminating a phrase or two and adding something else. Is it okay to include Harry Potter in this response?
I still remember my eagerness to welcome the newest member of our family. I had hoped that he would captivate me with his laughter and the first steps but irritate me with his demands to eat more candy and watch cartoons when I wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
This part is a little bit confusing. Why don't you put a comma between steps and but?
"I had hoped that he would captivate me with his laughter and the first steps but irritate me with his demands to eat more candy and watch cartoons when I wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets."
I can see where you are going with this, but there are just a few things I would fix. "I had hoped" sounds like you have hoped for it, but it never happened. "but irritate" so instead of capturing your heart, he irritated you? I don't think this was what you were trying to get across.
Also I recommend splitting the last paragraph into 2 mini, pseudo paragraphs. After every new idea, skip a line? So, "Every morning" should be a new paragraph, since it feels like you moved on to a new idea.
This has great potential to be a very powerful essay, the best advice I could give, is to go over it, again and again, read it out loud multiple times; to yourself, to your parents, to anyone, and ask them for their opinion. Make it sound like you? For example "illuminates my world", for me, it feels kind of force, and I don't know you personally, but unless you use such vocabulary everyday, I don't recommend putting it into your essay. If you write with words you are comfortable words, it will help your essay flow smoother and your voice to shine more, the person reading it will feel comfortable as well!
I think its a great topic; It shows the admission officers how much you care about your brother and his well being and that you are a self less person. Perhaps you could start talking about some of your fun and sweet childhood memories and elaborate by saying what does his well being mean to you and how does his physical sufferance affect and change you. I am sorry about your brother and thank you for reading my essay :)
Thank you so much for your contributions.
Mr.Maro I wrote "I had hoped" because I wanted to convey the message that it did not happen. My brother is bedridden.
Your essay topic is so interesting and original. I feel like you could write a killer conclusion about your brother attending your Stanford graduation. Maybe take out the part on harry potter and this part-->"His laughter illuminates my world but I am still waiting for the day he would destroy my makeup or spill water on an assignment due in the morning"..since both fluffy sentences that don't add too much about your compassion/fear for your brother. Anyways, again, love the topic and I hope you get in.
Thank you so much Larry. I will make sure I incorporate the changes you suggested :)
Woah. After reading what you wrote, I felt touched!
This is a great topic and original topic to write about. Perhaps you could talk about your dedication to taking caring of him or his physical disabilities impacted you. You should write more about how you changed than your brother.
Please read my essay:)
just a small note:
you might want to change tenses a bit... it might look like as your brother is in epileptic fits, you're just typing away on the keyboard looking down at him
