UC Essay #1:My world, an Asian American

Please comment on my essay. Thanks in advance

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The world that I come from is one merged with others and yet is one that is isolated and my own. On the outside looking in, I am an Asian American that is one of the first generation to grow up in the United States. My parents are Chinese and they moved here for a better life. I am the oldest of three siblings and carry the heaviest burden now that I am applying to colleges. I attend Skyline High School and am part of the International Baccalaureate program. Looking deeper, things get more complicated.

The parents that I have push me to new heights. They brought me up with a good work ethic and one motto that may sound silly: Work now, play later. This constant pushing and shoving by my parents has sometimes been hard to deal with, especially when they put too much work on my plate. They have recently disagreed with me on my undergraduate major. It was very hard for me to change and make a compromise, but I know that the only thing they want is a better life for me. It is times like this that I am grateful for their contribution to my life.

One of the groups of people I know I could not live without are my friends. Everyday they give me that boost of happiness that makes life dynamic. They provide that crucial outlet in addition to my parents. My friends have shaped my world as well. Many of my friends that graduated last year give me an idea of where I want to be. They set an example for me that I can strive to reach. Also, my friends in my grade are very competitive. I know that in every class they bring their best. This motivates me to work harder and harder.

The world that I come from is one that is filled with family and friends, and sadness and happiness. The world around me has transformed me into who I am and has contributed to the qualities that I carry. They have greatly influenced my dreams and changed how I want to live my life.

Your essay is short, which is good~~
But I think you should focus more on one of the points, family or friends, then elaborate more on that.. I think my essay has the same problem as yours.. I can't seem to go in one direction..

Ok, so it is not too short?
I wrote about both family and friends because it said those two groups are part of my world

I suggest you take out the stuff I crossed out and use the space to answer the following questions related to the bolded stuff:

1. Give an example of "work now, play later." => I thought it was interesting.
2. What are your dreams and aspirations? What did you aspire to be? What did your parents want you to be? How did you compromise?
3. How has having academically challenging friends pushed you to work harder. Give examples.

I think you are on a good track. Just clean up, and you'll have a nice essay =).