Hi everyone! If you don't mind, would you please critique and proofread the second draft of my UC Personal Statement? I'm not sure if there is anything to change or not; I want to get as many opinion as I can on it. Thanks in advance! =)
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Essay # 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
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The great author Alex Haley once said "In every conceivable manner, the family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future". I have found this statement to hold true in the case of my family. They are the ones who I share my most cherished memories with, and the ones who inspired me the most to follow my dreams.
I grew up in a loving, close-knit household. My first home was shared with both my parents and my father's parents, making my first years of life some of my most precious. One of my earliest memories is of sitting with my grandmother and discussing the wonders of the Earth and its inhabitants. My grandmother was and still is a deeply religious person, and from her is where I gained much of my curiosity about both the natural and preternatural worlds. On the other hand, I inherited a strong interest in the sciences from my grandfather, who is a scientist himself. He still inspires me to this day to pursue research science as a career.
My parents, who are some of the most caring, understanding, and responsible people in the world, have also made a great impact on my life. They have been my greatest heroes ever since I was a small child. Everything they have ever done for me has been for my own benefit, which is why they always pushed me to do my best in school. I know my parents hold high expectations of me, and I am thankful for this because it always gives me the motivation to do my best and live up to their dreams as well as mine.
Also, because of the nature of my father's career as a financial consultant, I had the chance to live in three different countries on three different continents throughout my life: Pakistan, where I was born; USA, where I spent the majority of my life; and South Africa, where I lived for four years during the latter half of my elementary-school years. Each place I have lived in has enriched me on both a cultural and intellectual level; the multicultural childhood I had has made me even more of a unique person. Because of my wonderful experiences in the countries I have lived in, I now have the dream to one day travel the world simply for the sake of knowledge and experience.
Two other family members that have profoundly affected me as a person are my younger brothers. Without even realizing it they have pushed me to become a better person. Being a good role-model for my impressionable siblings has always been important to me. For this reason, I always strive hard in everything I do so that I can set a good example.
My family as a whole has been the primary influence on who I am as an individual today. I would not have been able to live up to my full potential had it not been for their love and guidance. I feel more thankful every day that they were the people I got stuck with on this world!
(520 words)
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Essay # 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
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A personal quality I possess that I am extremely proud of is open-mindedness. I try never to judge anything based on first impressions, I am never afraid to investigate new ideas, and I can easily tolerate other people despite their flaws and idiosyncrasies. The music and art that I enjoy the most is that which is avant-garde, imaginative, and unusual. These traits I possess relate both to the way I see the world and the way the world sees me.
As an individual, I always make it a point to stay true to myself and be unique. My idealistic nature leads me constantly improve myself as I open up to new ideas. For example, early in 2009, I became a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. I take pride in this particular aspect of myself because I feel like I am making a positive impact on the world. However, I never impose my views onto anyone since I respect their opinions. I believe that everyone has the right to choose who they are for themselves.
To be a successful scientist, open-mindedness is essential. Usually the greatest discoveries are those that seem strange at first! The idea of the Sun revolving around the Earth used to be normal, but we all know it is not thanks to Polish scientist Nicolaus Copernicus. Back in the 16th century, his hypotheses were unusual, and even considered heretical by some. Even so, they were proven true later on, and are now common knowledge. This alone is proof that only through open-mindedness can science progress and advance. I know that since I have the right personality I will be successful in this field.
(276 words)
-- (Total: 796 Words) -
Essay #1: I think rather than writing about all the things that happened in your life,
you should focus on one thing that really impacted you.
Essay #2: Again, focus on one quality of yourself. Give examples.
Hey Hylacy, first of all thanks for the advice. I'm a little confused though. On the first essay prompt, it says describe your world, not just one thing or one event. That's what I did, right? I don't think there's one singular event that describes my family, community, and school experience at the same time. On Essay 2, I did exactly what you said. I told how I was proud that I was open-minded, then I gave examples on how I was open-minded, and how it relates to me as a person. Could you please expand on your advice? Thanks again!!
=)
Essay#1: The essay prompt says"for example, your family, community or school", but you don't have to include all of them into your essay. Your essay needs to tell the readers who YOU ARE, not a summary of your life. Write a specific event/person that shaped you You need to elaborate one thing as opposed to merely stating everything happened in your life.
Essay#2:
I think, as a future scientist, my open-mindedness and a liberal worldview will be a great help
Give examples of why you think open-mindedness and liberal world-view would help you.
I think you should elaborate more on
I try never to judge anything based on first impressions, I am never afraid to investigate new ideas
Since science is all about proofing hypotheses and researching more knowledges.
Thanks for the advice hylacy, I'm working on my next draft now. I'll post it up when I'm finished.
Alright, here's my new essay. I consider it my second first draft because, essentially, it's an entirely different piece of writing.
I heard from some people it's best to keep it under the word limit if you can.. that's why I didn't worry too much about getting so close to 1000 total. Will that matter in the end?
You write in a very engaging and expressive way, I like it! You can do great things as a writer, so I think the next step for you might be to start writing with the intention to create a particular experience for the reader. You write about feelings, and that is great, so try to make your sentences have the same feel you want to convey.
This below is awkward:
I think, as a future scientist, my open-mindedness and a liberal worldview will be a great help, since I will always be receptive of new ideas.
I think, As a future scientist, my open-mindedness and a liberal world view ...
So, you already write well, and the next step is to refine the art -- condense what you say into fewer words, and let this be about an experience for the reader.
In the second essay, I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to tell "how this interest relates to the person you are." And then use the rest of the essay to explain what you mean.
i agree you are a solid writer, thing i would say is come to better conclusions, you make tehse essays personal and reflect, but your conclusions leave a little to be desired, try to get a message a little deeper and more significant across in this conclusion, leave the reader with a strong impression. Other than that, I agree with the moderator, just refine your stuff and you should be good.
Alright I tweaked it around a bit, once again thank you everyone for the advice. If there's anything I still need to change I'd be happy to hear the critique.
I know that since I have the right personality I will be for achieving success in this field.
