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World you came from, personality - UC Prompt #1 & #2


kloud 1 / 2  
Sep 20, 2009   #1
Rough Drafts for my UC Prompts. Please, be as brutal as you can be. I'm not exactly sure if I answered the first prompt correctly. Thank you!

Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.


The world from which I come from revolves around the teaching of my parents. Like the typical household, my family consists of four members, myself, my sister, and my parents. Unlike most families, we do not eat together during the week due to our conflicting schedules. Weekends are the only time that we can truly eat and spend time together as a family. Both of my parents are firm believers in education and success. During the weekend, we often visit the bookstore or go to the library to study. Both of my parents have achieved great success through their schooling. My mother is involved with the travel industry being the head of her department in accounting and my father is involved with Major League Soccer being the Chief Executive Officer of the Chivas USA soccer team. In addition to being involved with the MLS, my father is also an entrepreneur who owns a Subway restaurant.

Education and grades are heavily stressed by my parents. School is placed first before extra curricular activities, friends, and leisure. I often find myself going to bed very late studying and doing school work. I know that the education I receive will help me in countless ways because it will always remain with me wherever I go. During the summers, my parents want me to spend my time productively. Last summer, I attended a leadership camp at Columbia University and during the summer of my incoming sophomore year, I attended an academic camp at Stanford University. These camps have taught me things that I would never learn in the classroom.

Seeing what my parents have accomplished with their education has inspired me to become a successful individual. Later on in life, I plan to enter the food industry as an entrepreneur and to eventually own a franchised restaurant. My parents have taught me that for someone to get something, one must work hard for it. My dream of eventually owning a franchised restaurant can not happen without first obtaining a proper education. Like my parents, I am success driven. I like the feeling of accomplishing a task myself because it gives me a rewarding feeling.

Prompt #2 (all applicants)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?


Ever since I was a kid, I have always been fascinated with martial arts. Watching martial arts stars such as Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and Jet Li on the television screen always left me with the thought of how awesome it would be to obtain a black belt. My father came home from work one day and asked me if I wanted to enroll in martial arts. I said, "Yes, I would like to!" In the fall of 2002 I enrolled in my first Tae Kwon Do class. I remember the first time I walked onto the studio mat being timid and transfixed at the sight of several black belts. I wanted to be just like them, I wanted to be a black belt.

As I moved up through the ranks, my motions became more second nature, more fluid, less choppy, and more graceful. When I reached my second red belt, I broke my left clavicle learning how to flip other students. I was unable to train for several months and in addition to that, I missed an opportunity to test for my black belt. This was setback and true test of my spirit. During this time I had a chance to reflect on my journey. I realized how far I had come in three years and how much I had grown as a person in terms of confidence and discipline.

In August of 2006 I had the opportunity to test for my first Dan (black belt). That day in August represented everything I had been through, the blood, the sweat, the tears, and the countless hours of training I endured. At the end of the grueling four hour test, Grand Master Kim untied my red belt and presented me with my first Dan. It took me four years of dedication and perseverance to achieve my black belt and it was an amazing feeling staring into the mirror and seeing myself wearing a black belt. To me, being a black belt is more than just another rank in the martial arts, it's a milestone that every martial artist strives for but only a small percentage actually achieve. It represents proficiency of an art and a new beginning. I am proud to say that I currently hold a second Dan in Tae Kwon Do, but I am even prouder of the new person I have become. Being a black belt is a way of life, to uphold the standards of honesty, integrity, and loyalty; to act in all areas of life with the honor, courtesy, respect, humility, and dignity leading by example in everything that I do.

-Kloud
pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Sep 20, 2009   #2
I like your second one. Shows qualities about you.

Feel free to disagree but I feel like your first essay's topic is very.. common. But then again, I know that in a life of simplicity, it's hard to find a really unique topic to write about. The essay itself is good though. If you're going to keep the topic, I think you should write more about how they inspired you. It seems like the point of your essay is to build credentials that you're a good student rather than portraying the influence that your parents had on you. So far, I can only point out that they influenced you because (1) they have good jobs and accomplished lots and (2) they made you study hard. Be more personal.

Please read mine (:
markattack 1 / 5  
Sep 20, 2009   #3
I must say, both your prompts are amazing. For the second prompt, I could almost feel that I was with you during your martial arts training.

Great job! Two thumbs up
OP kloud 1 / 2  
Sep 20, 2009   #4
pcvrz34g:I agree with you, my life is very simple. Thank you for the input, I'm currently working on the influence of my parents.

Markattack: Thank you very much.

Keep the criticism coming!

-Kloud
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 20, 2009   #6
^Useless comments are not welcome on the website.
OP kloud 1 / 2  
Sep 21, 2009   #7
Redid the first prompt: I'm not sure how I should end it though. I decided to write about a well balanced life.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I believe a well balanced life is necessary for personal growth, happiness, and satisfaction. To me, one can not fully experience what life has to offer without taking in the best from everything. For me, a balanced lifestyle is a combination of several things, my relationship with God and my family, my education, and my health.

My relationship with God is a very important aspect of my life. He serves to provide me with inner peace and happiness while guiding me in the right direction. I go to church every Sunday to have my faith strengthened within him. In addition to church, I act as a peer minister for high school students to further deepen my faith. Another key relationship within my life is the relationship I share with my family. I am very thankful that I have a close bond with my parents and sister. I know that I can count on them to be there for me as I would be for them.

Both of my parents are firm believers in education and success. I know that the education I receive will help me in countless ways because it will always remain with me wherever I go. Seeing what my parents have accomplished with their education has inspired me to become a successful individual. Later on in life, I plan to become an entrepreneur owning several franchise restaurants. My dream of eventually owning a chain of restaurants can not happen without first obtaining a proper and solid education. I thank my parents for shaping me into a success driven individual with high ambitions.

As the saying goes, "Health is wealth." As a part of a balanced life, I feel it t is important that I keep healthy. Being healthy includes mental, physical, and intellectual well being. School servers to challenge my way of thinking and exercises my mind. I find school to be very enjoyable because I like the feeling of accomplishing tasks. Physically, I am not the best athlete, but I strive to be active with martial arts. Tae Kwon Do allows me to stay physically fit while allowing me to grow as a martial artist at the same time. I enjoy reading during my free time because books stimulate my mind while providing me with a source of entertainment and pleasure.

A one dimensional life is not for me. I prefer to be well balanced.


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