Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5


UC-'The World I came from' (South-Korean) essay


robkim320 2 / 2  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Since when I was very young, my parents have taken me to a lot of places, including historically valuable places, museums and even to the opera house and orchestra concert, because they believed that the true education was the education that was taught, or felt, through many experiences. And I also enjoyed going to such places. However, I did not like going to the opera house, until I saw "The Magic Flute." My parents once took me to watch "Aida," but it was too abstruse for a 9 year old boy to completely understand the whole opera. Since then, I did not like watching operas. I always refused to go to the opera house whenever my parents told me to. However, one day, my parents told me about the opera "The Magic Flute" by Mozart. The title fascinated me at first. And it seemed like a fun opera made for kids. It sure was fun - even though it was not for kids, the opera was directed in a way that kids could also enjoy watching it. It was the first opera that I watched without dozing off while watching it.

When I was 9 years old, I wanted to have a trip out of the country, especially to the United States of America, since I had never ridden on an airplane before. I always bothered my mom asking her to go to the States. However, I did not realized then that I have already experienced a lot that not everybody could experience easily. One day, my mom asked me: "Where do you want to travel most?" I replied, "America." "OK. Let's go. Go change clothes and get ready to leave to the airport." And that was the only conversation at home before we left to go to L.A., and the first international trip I had ever had. My father could not come because of his work. Since then, my mom and I often went to many foreign countries. Visiting United States, Japan, Singapore, Australia, Greece, Turkey, Egypt, Mexico, Sri Lanka, France, Germany, Belgium, England, and Saipan during last 9 years, I have learned a lot including many foreign cultures, environment, and their(or foreigners') unique life styles.

While I am a pure South Korean genetically, my characteristic is shaped through a lot of extraordinary experiences. Such experiences made me wanted to study abroad, and that is why I came to the States to learn more among international students. I am from the world, the literal WORLD.

It's about 440 words.
I know it is not professional or well-organized,(I have struggled for a week and this is what came out of it.) I REALLY NEED AN ADVICE on the structure, and how to SHOW it. Even when I read it, it is no where special or interesting. (my essay even somewhat sounds bragging) Please help me to make a better essay. Thank you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 13, 2009   #2
You wrote a beautiful first sentence.

And Also, I enjoyed going to such places. However, I did not like going to the opera house u ntil I saw "The Magic Flute" My parents once took me to watch "Aida," but it was too abstruse for a 9 year old boy to completely understand the whole opera. Since then, I did not like watching operas. I always refused to go to the opera house whenever my parents told me to. However, one day, my parents told me about the opera "The Magic Flute" by Mozart. The title fascinated me at first.

Above, I got rid of some info that really does not fit with the essay.

What a great conversation with your mother! How cool.

While I am a pure South Korean, ethnically, my characteristics are shaped by a lot of extraordinary experiences. Such experiences made me wanted to study abroad, and that is why I came to the States, where I will lear n more among international students. I am from the world, the literal WORLD.

You have an excellent way with words. I hope these suggestions help you!!!
pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Nov 13, 2009   #3
It doesn't sound like you're bragging at all. Don't worry about that.
I do feel like your first paragraph is a bit whiny. i also
feel like you emphasize too much on the operas themselves than the idea that different cultures and experiences have diversified you.

I am from the world, the literal WORLD.

i know that you're trying to find a good ending sentence and i understand what you're trying to say, but i dont think this sentence is as effective as it could be. think further for something more direct. i mean, aren't we all from the literal world? end it with how you're composed of diversity and that diversity is what you seek.

read my essay for me!

Hey, by the way, I'm Korean too! I moved to U.S. in the middle of my first grade. :D
john7777 2 / 4  
Nov 14, 2009   #4
Very well-written essay on an excellent topic. Colleges will love your topic!

Just one suggestion. You may not need to list all the places you have visited as it kind of breaks the tone of the essay. Maybe list your favorite places or regions of your travels.

Anyways, it is just a suggestion.

I think colleges really like the diversity you will bring to their school. :)
Haderdaraide 2 / 3  
Nov 14, 2009   #5
I really like it! I love the fact that you had such a great experience in each of those different countries.

In my opinion I feel like you should make a connection between the countries show the similaritys that can really benefit you as a student who is willing to study abroad. Use your experiences and find out what your passion is through out your life!

Check out mine if you can also!


Home / Undergraduate / UC-'The World I came from' (South-Korean) essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳