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The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT


melramadhani 16 / 46 6  
Nov 22, 2014   #1
Prompt :Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250)

This is for MIT. I have two ideas, would you tell me which one is better? Or, do you have better ideas?
Thank you!

--
Idea 1 :
My parents wanted me to be a doctor very much. Here, being a doctor is a dream profession, honorable yet prosperous, but extremely hard to finance for government-paid teachers like my parents. They always encouraged me that I would reach the top 2% of students in Indonesia, so I can get scholarship to medicine schools. Whenever my father returned from taking his students to university visits, my father always gave me medicine school memorabilia : keychains, posters, brochures, etc.

Being a doctor had been my dream and life orientation for years, as it was the only objective I knew. When I was in TV interview for my highest national examination score, I didn't have any other answer when I was asked about my dream.

However, the limit of dream is the world you see. As my world expanded through internet, my dream also expanded. I discovered that researching something new and cool is more interesting than simply prescribing patients with medicines I already know. I found my interest in computer and tons of resources to satisfy it (tutorials, online courses, etc.). I found that many things I previously thought impossible is possible. Even my applying to MIT now wouldn't be possible if I hadn't found the blog of a MIT student from Indonesia, as MIT seemed to be out of my reach. Internet also shaped my view the most through online resources and discussions.

So, that's the world I come from : the online world.

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Idea 2 :
I live in Madiun, a city consisted of about 300,000 people, which I surprisingly felt small in high school. I couldn't find a coach for my debate team, while none of my english teachers had capability in debate. My school couldn't find a trainer for informatics olympiad. These conditions taught me to be a good fighter and manager, but I still wish that I lived in bigger city with bigger opportunities.

The feeling struck me most when I'm applying to American colleges, pursuing my dream; I have absolutely no resource and reference except the internet. I have to fill "I can't find my school" in ACT and SAT registration forms because nobody from my city have taken them before. I have to train my teachers about the online application system, as none of them have done it before. So far, being under small resources indeed reduces my chance.

But being under small resources drives me to be the best in my field, so I can bring resources to my community. I don't want my sisters, my future children, and my future member of my community feel the same dilemma in the pursuit of their dreams.

Modewap 16 / 70 13  
Nov 22, 2014   #2
Let me give you my personal view about your first idea. It is more of ''personal statement'' to description of the world you're from.

Idea two is the perfect answer to your prompt.

And finally you need to brush all your ideas about the second answer to the prompt together as Massachusetts Institution of technology is a top school and competitive.

I hope I help, regarding you choosing the right answer to the prompt. ;)
Modewap 16 / 70 13  
Nov 22, 2014   #3
Melramadhani, you can use my modification or use it as a template to review your essay.

I live in Madiun a city in the western part of the
province of East Java in Indonesia, an agricultural centre. With an estimated population of 300,000 people and low statistic number of people attending high
school as majority of populace focus on agriculture. I remember Having a coach for my debate team wasn't easy, as none of my english teachers have in-dept capability in debate. Even the teachers in my school couldn't trainer students for informatics olympiad and the school had limited resources to hire a professional outside the community for the training. My community members and myself, have limited resources and

reference except the internet. Filling the SAT and ACT registration forms, I couldn't find the name of any school in my city
because nobody from my city has
taken them before. I have to train
my teachers about the online
application system, as none of
them have done that before.

The taught of my community has been my driving force to apply to America college to purse my dream and gather the competency in my field of study, but I

still wish that I lived in bigger city
with bigger opportunities.
The feeling struck me most when
I'm applying to American colleges to pursuing my dream
. So far, being under small resources
indeed reduces my chance.
But being under small resources
drive me to be the best in my field, giving me the opportunity to bring my desired changes to my underprivileged community. I don't want my sisters,

my future children, and my future
member of my community feel the same dilemma in the pursuit of their dreams.

I hope I help ;)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 22, 2014   #4
Melati, I am offering a different opinion regarding your choice of worlds. As per my analysis of the requirements of the essay, the true world that you come from is best described by the first essay that you wrote. Why did I say that? It is because the first essay relays the message that your parents served to inspire your desire to become a doctor. As the essay prompt states, you need to describe a world where your parents, peers, or school helped to shape your dreams and aspirations. You have made the point that your parents were an integral part of the world you came from with regards to supporting your medical school ambitions. That clearly answers the prompt requirements.

However, you are mistaken when you say that you come from the online world just because the opportunity to apply to MIT would not have existed for you before. The limits of your dream were not hindered by your location or the abilities of your country to send students overseas for school. Long before the internet became the method of choice for applying for studies abroad, there were already students just like you from other countries who attended MIT, Harvard, Brown, Columbia, and other universities. No Melati, your dreams are not limited by the world you see. You are the limitation of your dream. If you say you cannot do something, then it does not matter what the online world, offers, you won't be able to do it.

So here is what I suggest, use the first prompt since it best answers the requirements of the essay prompt. Delete the part about the limitations of your dream and instead, develop the paragraph about your world where your parents support you and your dreams. Discuss how they did that since they are an integral part of this essay. 3 paragraphs should be complete for this essay. The first paragraph introduces the world you come from (your parents supporting your dream), the second describes how that world evolves (your parents doing what they can to help you achieve your dreams), then the conclusion which explains how everything they did to support you and your dreams has shaped your dreams and aspirations for the future.

As for your second essay, I do not feel that it completely provides the information required by the prompt and cannot compare to the possible improvements and enhancements that you can easily provide in the first essay, which already carries the elements in the essay prompt that just need to be polished and expanded in order to make it even better. My opinion is that you have a better shot using the first essay :-)
vetementu 9 / 21  
Nov 22, 2014   #5
I really like idea two!!! It is more of a direct answer to the prompt as it is "the world you come from" You really illustrated perfectly what it is like to live in your town. Good job and good luck!!!
bryantasticc 2 / 5  
Nov 25, 2014   #6
Of the two essays you've written, I believe that the second one does a better job of answering the prompt. You address your city and it's circumstances, and continue to talk about how despite it's conditions you dream of succeeding in order to give back to your community. Good luck on your application!


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