Hi, I am a new user and I am trying to get some feedback on my UC essay prompt 1.
I am trying to differentiate from the commonplace style of "I am from this country where conditions are like this, and I have learned this."
I will take care of grammer, I just need some help for I have been told that my essay should answer the prompt more explicitly.
Thanks for help!
Prompt
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Climb
It really hurts. My friend has climbed higher than me. He has conquered more of the mountain and is reaching for the summit while I'm behind eating all the rocks and dust in his wake. What am I then compelled to do? Climb faster! Surpass him and put him in my trail. He will respond and climb higher, I will do the same, each ceaselessly trying to beat the other. Stop! Now look down. Look how far we both have made it from the ground. See how much closer we both are to the summit?
I often find myself in a climb against my peer group. Everyone's trying to beat each other, attain a higher test score or finish an assignment first. Only when we stop and think do we realize that our contests have brought us all to a higher level, a win-win! That was my life at Kung Fu - going to practice every day trying to earn the next belt before my friend Jason did. This battle between us bought us our early belt promotions, and a friendship I'll never forget.
Another friend, Ian, and I both write songs in our band. We occasionally find ourselves in a battle over whose new riff the rest of the band wants to use, or whose song sounds better. But after swallowing my pride, I look at our band as a whole; we now have a whole album of original songs that we're having professionally recorded and put on iTunes.
So what do you do next when you are sitting with your friend high above the base of the mountain, finally understanding the mutual benefit of the race? Climb together! That's what Ian and I ended up doing after such a long competitive climb; we combined our musical riffs and worked on songs as a team while tutoring each other in physics, economics and calculus in our final climb together. Only this time, it is with compassion, not competition.
This is what I learned to value in a world filled with competition: being able to shake my friend's hand and tell him "The race is over. Now lets reach the summit together."
I liked it, but what exactly is your dream or aspiration? Friendship/shared success? also, the hook "It really hurts" isn't very good. I would remove it or come up with something else. maybe "The race began" to connect with your ending
He has conquered more of the mountain and is reaching for the summit while I'm behind eating all the rocks and dust in his wake
See how much closer we both are to the summit?!
... I changed punctuation.
I am trying to differentiate from the commonplace style of "I am from this country where conditions are like this, and I have learned this."
Yes, I see this is a good attempt, yet I feel you should have been more specific about the "world". Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? From this essay what is more prominent is that the "competitive environment" which is too general. Make it more specific, choose one such place and have it as the center of your story. Otherwise this response would not be well aligned with what they want to know about you.
