UC 1: My world is a fishbowl

Here is a tentative draft of my essay in response to the prompt:
Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I'm afraid my points may be unclear and the ending could be somewhat stronger. Any edits and tips are appreciated. Thank you!

My world is a fishbowl. The glass is bounded with what my parents have taught me. "Always be humble, and move forward with your head held high," they said. Aside from this, I knew very little. As a child, I had always looked through the glass, at a bigger world. When I grew older, the bowl grew with me. Ever since its slow and steady change I began to realize that there was an ocean out there, waiting for me.

In my youth, I felt as simple as a fish. Mindlessly going with the flow of events, my presence neither added nor subtracted to my surroundings. I merely enjoyed the sceneries. I remember observing that mostly everyone lived in adherence to a status quo, indistinguishable from the rest. Ironically, I was the same. I lived behind a set of glass walls like everyone else, only aware of what was present before me, unable to see or act further than what I know.

Mine was an oriental themed bowl, decorated with cultural tales of adventures, morals, and love. Consequently, I grew up to be extremely idealistic and grimaced at the thought of conformity; I wanted an adventure of my own. Yet, I was so small and there was nowhere to go; aside taking up piano and ballet, my life was in a habitual pattern.

When my parents divorced, the scenery changed. There was no longer a familiar home to return to or a familiar language to speak in. I wasn't scared, but I couldn't deny that I was a little sad. Everything was different. The people, the food, and the culture took some time getting used to, and I had a new family. It was my first taste of change, but the love we had for one another always remained a constant. It took some self sacrifice to keep both families functional as I often traveled back and forth from the States to Japan. I did not mind in the least, I was diadromous fish that enjoyed the migration between the varied waters.

Time went on, and with it came knowledge. My small confinement suddenly turned into a spacious aquarium that was high school. The world of speech and debate, model United Nations, chess, karate, books, and photography suddenly became a permanent aspect of my character. There were moments when the water turned cloudy with uncertainty and self-doubt as I drifted through new crowds and faces. Luckily, the support I received from my family was kept me going through disheartening failures and awkward faux pas. With their help, I happily learned that teamwork and friendship were just as invaluable as knowledge.

Then, the summer of my sophomore year came. I saw the beauty of Europe: the strong personalities in France, the temperamental weather of England, the lush mountains of Switzerland, and the piquant meals of Italy were all something that I never encountered before. The world kept on changing. Like a new born babe taking its breath for the very first time, I needed more. I was no longer content in my little bowl; I wanted to know what was beyond the glass, and resolved to stretch the boundaries until I couldn't see where it began or ended. Though I know that my surroundings will expand naturally in time as it had before, I wanted to use my own power to expand my own horizons since anticipation often found me restless. I desired for a world that was as vast and deep as the ocean, all encompassing with life's various aspects.

My ever-changing world led me to dream of its infinite possibilities. I wanted to travel and truly appreciate all that is offered in life. Witnessing the wonders of nature, meeting new people, seeing our history as mankind, and their architectural accomplishments would be the magical adventure I always sought for. Thus, I aspire to work in the field of international relations, so that I may freely swim without limit, while making a change of my own.

very nice ending, i feel that it is strong and leaves an impression. i like your whole extended metaphor to the fish. but i would like to see more about YOU.

Ever since, its slow and steady change I began to realize that there was an ocean out there, waiting for me.

The people, the food, and the culture took some time getting used to, and I had a new family.

the "and i had a new family" part seems like it was just attached. so find a way to integrate it more to flow?

Luckily, the support I received from my family was kept me going through disheartening failures and awkward faux pas.

Your essay was very well written, I couldn't find any mistakes other than the one I posted above. I think your conclusion doesn't to be stronger, it's right to the point.

Good luck.

Uwwaaaa, arigatou gozaimasu! X3


Hmm, if i talk about my step family, with all my half siblings, I would need to cut out a lot of what I already have because the word count for this is in the 660s. Should I get rid of the descriptions of Europe? I'll try to make it more personal then. Thank you!


Thank you! I re-edited to kind of place in the fish-temperature metaphor. Should I retract that edit?

Luckily, the support I received from my family was the perfect temperature for me to thrive in ; they kept me going through disheartening failures and awkward faux pas.

aha no i didnt mean you had to add more description. but reword that sentence just a tinsy bit.

"my new family, the people, the food, the culture all took some time getting used to."

that way, my new family is like integrated into the sentence and not left handing on the outside ^^

hmm no i like your description of europe , it gives way to your true personality.

and doo itashimashite (:

I really like the metaphor of the fishbowl! Its really creative and it gives you a good way to segue on to your other paragraphs. Here are some things I think you could change:

"Always be humble, and move forward with your head held high," they said. <-- You use present tense in the beginning and suddenly shift to past tense in the next sentence. I think you should use past tense to describe that your life WAS a fishbowl to show that it isn't, now. Aside from this, I knew very little. As a child, I had always looked through the glass, <- dont think you need the comma here at a bigger world.

I merely enjoyed the sceneriesscenery . I remember observing that mostly everyone lived in adherence to a status quo, indistinguishable from the rest. Ironically, I was the same.how is this ironic? I lived behind a set of glass walls like everyone else, only aware of what was present before me, unable to see or act further than what I know<-knew .

Mine was an oriental themed bowl, decorated with cultural tales of adventures, morals, and love. i dont see how idealism relates to nonconformity Consequently, I grew up to be extremely idealistic and grimaced at the thought of conformity; I wanted an adventure of my own.

I did not mind in the least,semicolon? I was diadromous fish that enjoyed the migration between the varied waters.

Luckily, the support I received from my family waserase 'was' kept me going through disheartening failures and awkward faux pas.

Like a new born babebaby taking its breath for the very first time, I needed morekind of an awkward simile .

Thus, I aspire to work in the field of international relations, so that I may freely swim without limit, while making a change of my own.I don't think the ending is abrupt, since the whole essay is building up to your conclusion.

Good luck! :)
Oh yeah, please take a look at my essay!

Thanks everyone! this really helps. I ended up writing three essays for prompt 2: my piano in relation to lifestyle, why i fall in love with fictional men, and how i accept everyone for who they are (even if they're psychotic jerks). i like the second one personally but i think i might come off insane and ruin whatever good work i did on this one haha. sigh. decisions, decisions.

I'm thinking of integrating my personality more on 2 since im not sure how to weasel it in here.

Ok all grammatical is fixed

I liked your essay! you have a similar idea with mine:) Come and leave a comment for my personal statement please-and feel free to criticize !! :D

Ok, new 2nd paragraph. Hopefully it reveals a little more about myself.

Mine was an oriental themed bowl, adorned with cultural tales of adventures, morals, and love. Consequently, I grew up to be extremely idealistic and was fascinated with the concept of magic. The stories painted dreams of journeys filled with instant transformations appearing without rhyme or reason, powered by sheer will alone. I spent hours fantasizing on the "what ifs", years wanting an adventure of my own. Yet, I was so small and there was nowhere to go; aside taking up piano and ballet, my life followed in a habitual pattern.

Time passed, and with it came knowledge. My small confinement suddenly turned into a spacious aquarium that was high school. The world of speech and debate, model United Nations, chess, karate, books, and photography suddenly colored a permanent (i want to say something about how colorful everyone else is, like the first time i saw different types of personalities, or fish) aspect of my character. There were moments when the water turned cloudy with uncertainty and self-doubt as I drifted through new crowds and faces. Luckily, the support I received from my family was kept me going through disheartening failures and awkward faux pas. With their help, I happily learned that teamwork and friendship were just as invaluable as knowledge.

Does that make grammatical sense?

@happyhour: thanks! i'll get on it, almost done with my second prompt lol