Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
I see in grey. The world appears grey, but not because I am color blind. I view things as having their own shade of grey because I see nothing as black and white or definite. Things are constantly pursuing an alternate form, just like me. My attitudes and perspective towards life change on a nearly daily basis. One day you may find me in the heart of a mosh pit screaming the words to my favorite metal song, but the next I could be hiding away in my bed to avoid human contact and to lose myself in a piece of transcendentalist literature. One day I may appear to be a mysophobic perfectionist, and the next day my room could resemble a lonely island in the pacific after a hurricane.
Nonetheless, I consider my shade to be a subtle one. You could consider me an introvert; though I do spend a large amount of time with my friends and family, I would many a time prefer to be left alone with my thoughts. Try not to be offended if I fail to immediately warm up to you; I could possibly be the furthest thing from outgoing that you have ever met. This is fairly intentional; it permits me to have an outside perspective of innumerable matters in life, allowing me to view things from every possible side. Perhaps this will be useful as our friendship develops - I'll attempt to empathize with any of your problems. I hope you will be patient with my eccentricities, and that we can learn to distinguish each other's unique shade of grey.
Okay. Good idea, seeing things in shades of grey (which is usually g-r-a-y) but after reading the essay, I felt sort of glum. Then you started talking about how you have different personalities, and how you're introspective - and I understand the message you were aiming for. But it came off sounding slightly insane and depressing. Also, the main point of this prompt is to address you roommate, and I felt like you didn't do that until the veeeery end. I'm sorry if that's too harsh! I don't want to offend you.
Here's what I would suggest:
1. Make believe that you see the world in a spectrum of colors. Use the rainbow for this prompt, instead of different greys. The last portion of your conclusion is great, but maybe you could say "and that we can learn to distinguish each other's unique shades of color ." It'll brighten up the essay and give the reader a positive feeling.
2. You talk a lot about yourself, which is good, but the way you describe yourself makes it sound like you're a recluse...which isn't so appealing. Instead, share with the reader (your roomie!) your capacity for deep thought, your slight shyness, but your ability to grow. Growth is a real zinger!
3. Talk about the relationship you and your roommate might have a bit more. Maybe talk about the activities you'd like to do with her, or something of the like.
4. Remember your audience! You don't have to show off with big words, just use them when they make sense. Stanford wants to know you, not a thesaurus.
You're a talented writer, and you have a lot of really good material. I hope I wasn't too harsh! Good luck :)
Thanks, your review was very helpful and encouraging. I'll attempt to revise it a bit. [:
For starters, I see no grammatical errors so nice job there!
I like your idea about the shades of grey, although Hannover96 had a nice suggestion about using the rainbow.
You had really nice sentences at the end of the first paragraph that I think you should keep because they provided stellar imagery and I could really see you doing those things.
I liked the vocabulary you used, as long as you really talk like that in real life because otherwise it wouldn't be as true and personal, you know?
Otherwise, I think your essay was very well-written and told a lot about you, good job! :)
