TOPIC: Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?
Well, I was born in a small city, named Karditsa, somewhere in the center of Greece. Most people earn their income from the agricultural sector as they own hectares of land outside the main city. (However, there are also many people that work in the service sector.). The annoying thing about Karditsa is that people there do not believe that much to themselves. Many of my classmates, the only dream they had, was to finish school, enter a technical school (IEK) or even the university and come back to Karditsa. And what's wrong with that, you would ask me. The problem is that, when you speak with people from this city, they seem isolated from the rest of the world, they only care about their own problems: if the weather is going to be rainy or not, if Maria married John and so on. It is a closed community where you know almost everyone, and almost everyone knows you and this ends up tiring. Most of the people there (even the young ones) do not interested about men being able to go to Mars. Some of them do not even care about global warming. I am saying neither that all people in Karditsa are indifferent nor that all people in large cities care about that stuff. What I am saying is that in a small city this phenomenon is more intense. It is the situation in Karditsa that motivated me to be the best at school, wanting always to learn more and more, giving always the best of me and persuading my parents to move to Athens, from where I could earn a better education and study abroad. I always wanted to go to America, where most of the progress in science and technology takes place, in order to get away from this isolation and indifference for the amazing things that happen around us, because they are not indifferent to me.
I would love somebody to help me!!! Be honest!! I know it needs revision!!
Hi, here's a few ideas. Delete: "named" in first sentence. That's implied. You could replace "People" with Karditsans. I wasn't sure what "hectares" was and had to look it up. You could define that for the reader if you want. I don't think you need parenthesis at "However". The word however takes care of the transition well.
In the sentence "The annoying things..." Do you mean " The annoying thing about K. people is that they do not believe in themselves enough."
The only dream that many of my classmates had was to finish school, enter a technical school or university and come back to K. Delete "And" from next sentence. Next sentence, delete comma after that, delete comma after city and change to period. Next sentence: It is a closed community where you know almost everyone and almost everyone know you and this ends up being tiresome. (Deleted comma and added being.)
Next sentence, remove parenthesis and use commas around even the young ones, change "do not" to "are not interested in men traveling to Mars.
It is this situation in K that motivated me to be the best in school, learn more and more, give the best of myself and persuade my parents to move to Athens so that I could get a better education and study abroad.
In the last sentence you could break it into 2 sentences. If this is an admission essay you could include and expand on the relation between your background, getting into the school and program and the difference it will make in your future since they also mention dreams and aspirations in the topic. It's a very cool story and I enjoyed reading it. I think by making grammatical changes you will allow the reader to really enjoy your story. I hope that helps. Good luck.
thank you so much, your comments and corrections were a great help! Good luck to you too!
Just my own advice.
You should answer the question directly in the passage, then show us why. If you do this it well be much better.
To say honestly, your idea is a bit generic. The case you mentioned, to me, does not define your passion nor does it define your trajectory. I think you have to give it some thinking and come up with creative ideas to stitch all those facts.
And lastly, would you please help with mine?